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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSis AIBU

55 replies

Jammydodger6 · 14/05/2020 13:06

I guess I know I’m BU to some extent. My DSis moved to oz a year ago. She and he DP have permanent visa but they are over there alone. She has since got pregnant, due in Nov.

I’ve heard from my DM that DSis is really piling on the persuasion to move DM over there too. I assume now there’s a baby on the way, she thinks it would be nice to have family nearby.

I rely on my DM emotionally and I think I would struggle if she wasn’t around.

My DP doesn’t want to move to oz and I’m not strongly for it either, although I would.

To add to it my DP and I are having problems, not sure if we’re going to be together. Makes me need my DM around more.

We have a toddler DA. If we split, there’s no way I could ever go to oz. I think DP would have legal rights and I wouldn’t want to split them anyway.

I guess I’m just annoyed at my DSis for persuading all the family to move over and whilst I feel stuck here.

I feel like she moved over there, knowing she’d be alone, have no family etc. But always had the plan to persuade others to follow. But I feel like that is at my disadvantage now :(

I guess I know I’m BU. My DM can do whatever she wants. Just want to moan.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 14/05/2020 13:09

I don’t think YABU, but neither is your sister. You both want your Mum around, which is natural.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 14/05/2020 13:09

What does your mum really want?

Bluebird3456 · 14/05/2020 13:12

I'm sorry you're having problems Flowers I really feel for you but yes, you're right, it's your DM's decision. You could try putting other support systems in place now just in case she does decide to go - is there a friend you could talk to, or speak to your GP about having relationship counselling?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 14/05/2020 13:13

I think you would both BU to try and persuade your DM to do anything. If she wants to move, then let her. If she wants to stay, then let her. Your DM is her own person as well and, while I’m sure her DD’s emotional well-being is a huge concern of hers, her role in life is not to be permanently available to you both.

RubyDreamsOfRainbows · 14/05/2020 13:15

What an awful position your sister has put your DM in. She's making her choose between her daughters not to mention the upheaval of moving continents. I imagine your mum needs you as much as you need her right now.

Original poster
Jammydodger6 · 14/05/2020 13:27

To be clear, I have not persuaded my DMto stay here. I have said she needs to do what makes her happy. She has just got out of a long term relationship herself in the last couple of years. Inside I’m thinking please don’t move, but I realise it’s her decision.

I guess I’m just annoyed at my DSis trying to persuade her. My DM knows it’ll be a sensitive subject so hasn’t probably been straight with me. I really don’t know what my DM wants to do deep down.

Is she’s not sure, I think it’s unfair of my DSis to apparently piling on the persuasion. If my DM has told her she wants to move fair enough, but it’s complicated. I had a toddler who my DM is close to. I think my DM will probably feel very torn.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 14/05/2020 13:30

How old is your mum? There is an age limit on emigrating or she’d need sponsoring.

AJPTaylor · 14/05/2020 13:31

What rest of family is there?
We have family friends who moved to oz in their 60s. Both their kids were there plus grandkids. They waited until their parents in the UK had died before doing it.
What is your mum's view? Can't think she would consider leaving her grandchild here to go permanently there?
I feel for you though.

LouiseTrees · 14/05/2020 13:32

If your dear sister has piled on the emotion you should to. “Oh I’ll miss you so much, I don’t know what I’ll do without you, especially when it’s just me on my own with no help from DP”

AJPTaylor · 14/05/2020 13:32

And unless it's changed UK pension is frozen from point of leaving so no annual increases

Mustbethewine · 14/05/2020 13:41

I dont think your BU for wanting your mum close to you.

Original poster
Jammydodger6 · 14/05/2020 13:41

AJPTaylor I think that’s what making her feel so torn. As doesn’t want to leave grandchildren here. If she moved to oz, she’d had a new grandchild there but she doesn’t have an emotional bond with them yet. I can understand she wants to help her other daughter with a newborn etc. but my DSis moved over there knowing the risks.

OP posts:
daisypond · 14/05/2020 13:44

Can she even move there at all? What are her finances like?

walkingchuckydoll · 14/05/2020 13:45

It's not that easy to move to oz.....

Anyway, your mother also shouldn't stay just for you. She has her own life and your needs shouldn't control her. You need to find a way to deal with your lack of emotional support. Better now than later since you'll probably survive her (I hope).

walkingchuckydoll · 14/05/2020 13:47

I realise that my post might come across as harsh but it's meant well. I lost my mum to cancer in my 20s so know how sht it can be to have no mum. But it is the reality sooner or later and you need to have a support network for yourself. You deserve that.

RhymesWithOrange · 14/05/2020 13:48

I think it's worrying that you rely on your mum so much that you think you would struggle without her. Regardless of what happens work on your own resilience. I would hate for my adult children to still feel dependent on me.

Sorry that you are having a tough time in your relationship.

Original poster
Jammydodger6 · 14/05/2020 13:50

My DSis knows the ropes. DM was made redundant last year and got a nice redundancy package. It is very expensive from what I’ve heard to pay for a visa. If she’s ever going to do it, it’ll have to be now before her redundancy runs out from cost of living. She doesn’t have wanted skills. So, sounds like she has to pay a large sum of money or maybe get sponsored by my DSis.

OP posts:
MouthBreathingRage · 14/05/2020 13:54

Good lord, your poor mum! Two supposed adult daughters still wanting mummy's attention at a moment's notice.

I'm sorry you struggle, but this post is very 'me me me', and I feel your sister is the same. What does your mum want for herself? How old is she? Is she still working? Does she want to travel, do her own thing? With at least two adult children, this surely must be the time for her to do as she pleases, not feel torn between two grownups who evidently need to learn a bit more self reliance.

SharonasCorona · 14/05/2020 13:56

I would absolutely tell your mum that you don’t want her to go. Also tell her about your relationship problems and that you need her support.

Your sister is not playing fair so you don’t need to play fair either.

Of course you would add that you understand it’s your mum’s choice and that you won’t try and stop her, but if you don’t tell your mum that you want her to stay she may think you don’t mind either way.

If someone tried to move my mum away to another country I would be livid (and that’s not from a self-serving angle, we support our mum and don’t get any tangible support from her, as she’s 70).

Antipodeancousin · 14/05/2020 13:59

Unless your mum is really young to be a grandma and she has qualifications that are in demand she probably won’t get a visa to live here. People are often unaware of the realities of migration to Australia.
I would be very upset if my mum moved overseas in your circumstances. If it had always been her dream to live in Australia I could accept it but if it is just your sister pulling here there I would feel rejected.

Original poster
Jammydodger6 · 14/05/2020 14:00

I think that’s a bit unfair mouthbreather. I have stated that if course it’s her decision, I want her to be happy and she should do what makes her happy.

Does that mean I’m not entitled to be said about it, whatever her decision is?

OP posts:
RedskyAtnight · 14/05/2020 14:00

I think it's a shame that you both see your mother as someone who's primarily there to help you out. Maybe she might want to enjoy her life without having to be her daughters' main support?

MouthBreathingRage · 14/05/2020 14:04

@Jammydodger6, yes you've stated its her decision, but its very obvious your preference would be to have her at your beck and call. You may not think she's picked up on it, but the very fact she's basically being made to choose between her adult children says it all. I don't think you're really feel entitled to feel sad about whatever decision she makes, reading this just makes me feel sad for her being put in such a position. She should be able to choose her own life, not one that benefits you or your sister.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 14/05/2020 14:04

Of course you can be sad about it. Be what you want, privately unless she specifically asks.

But I agree with @MouthBreathingRage - you and your sister sound very 'me me'. Which is why I asked what your mum wants to do, as you hadnt even said in you OP!

FilthyforFirth · 14/05/2020 14:05

I sort of know how you feel, albeit on a much small scale. SIL is desperate to move down to Devon and just expects her mother to follow her. She just wants company and childcare.

We have recently moved to be nearer MIL so would not be impressed at all. If it becomes more serious we wouldn't try to persuade her but would simply tell her we feel it odd she is prioritising one grandchild over another and why move when her whole life is here.

Ultimately you cant stop her but I would be hurt in your shoes.