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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSis AIBU

55 replies

Jammydodger6 · 14/05/2020 13:06

I guess I know I’m BU to some extent. My DSis moved to oz a year ago. She and he DP have permanent visa but they are over there alone. She has since got pregnant, due in Nov.

I’ve heard from my DM that DSis is really piling on the persuasion to move DM over there too. I assume now there’s a baby on the way, she thinks it would be nice to have family nearby.

I rely on my DM emotionally and I think I would struggle if she wasn’t around.

My DP doesn’t want to move to oz and I’m not strongly for it either, although I would.

To add to it my DP and I are having problems, not sure if we’re going to be together. Makes me need my DM around more.

We have a toddler DA. If we split, there’s no way I could ever go to oz. I think DP would have legal rights and I wouldn’t want to split them anyway.

I guess I’m just annoyed at my DSis for persuading all the family to move over and whilst I feel stuck here.

I feel like she moved over there, knowing she’d be alone, have no family etc. But always had the plan to persuade others to follow. But I feel like that is at my disadvantage now :(

I guess I know I’m BU. My DM can do whatever she wants. Just want to moan.

OP posts:
SharonasCorona · 14/05/2020 14:08

Why are people assuming OP’s mum has no agency in this situation?

She could be a strong woman who knows what she wants?

Why assume she is a downtrodden older woman at the mercy of her daughters’ whims?

its very obvious your preference would be to have her at your beck and call.

Care to point out the specific bits in OP’s posts that have you that impression? Because I didn’t get that impression at all. OP is allowed to discuss her feelings on an anonymous forum.

Tatty101 · 14/05/2020 14:08

YABU - it's not about you or your sister. What a horrible position to put your Mum in -even if you say it's up to her, you say she knows it's a sensitive subject for you. Are you emotionally blackmailing your own DM because you're having a tough time with your DH right now?

Many, many people don't live near family.

Original poster
Jammydodger6 · 14/05/2020 14:11

I don’t really know what my DM wants to do. She has told me she’s thinking about it but actually only mentioned my DS in holding her back. If she doesn’t want to miss out on my DS, that’s her decision, not one I have forced on her or made her feel bad about.

OP posts:
smokescreen · 14/05/2020 14:12

I would say let her know you don't want her to move but don't pile on the pressure. If you stay neutral she may think you're not that bothered. Let her know how you feel but that it's her decision

Original poster
Jammydodger6 · 14/05/2020 14:17

My DSis is the one doing the persuading, not me.

To be honest, we have barely talked about it. If anything, I have probably given the impression that she should go. Any reason why she would stay, is at her own reasoning and not mine.

My DM can and will make her own decisions and she is definitely not at our beck and call...she enjoys seeing family and loves her grandchildren. Does that mean she panders to her daughters wills. No.

OP posts:
MouthBreathingRage · 14/05/2020 14:18

Care to point out the specific bits in OP’s posts that have you that impression?

A couple of examples from the OP

I rely on my DM emotionally and I think I would struggle if she wasn’t around.

To add to it my DP and I are having problems, not sure if we’re going to be together. Makes me need my DM around more.

Along with the general tone of 'I need my mum around to help me out' in the thread, rather than 'I have a really close relationship with her, see her all the time, help her with her problems as well, have a relationship beyond just wanting mum to help me when I'm down'. It seems very one sided from both the OP and her sister.

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/05/2020 14:19

How would she fare if she needed care when she’s older over there though? One of my patients got sent back to Blighty wh3n she needed care.

SeaToSki · 14/05/2020 14:22

I would start talking about all the nasty bugs and snakes etc that can kill you in Australia! Tell her she is ever so brave for contemplating sharing her toilet with spiders big enough to jump on you and crocodiles and sharks at every beach 😂😂. You might find she decides to not move away from nice safe England!

Biscuit0110 · 14/05/2020 14:27

I feel sorry for your mum, what a horrible position to be in!

Having lived overseas, and being older she needs to consider:

The intense heat
The lack of pension/money/assets
No network or friends at all
Leaving loved ones and lifelong friendships here
UK safety nets will not be there - such as silverline or old age concern. Would she feel she can use the services there?
Is she likely to get a visa even?
What if your sister moves back to the UK, does your mother just stay there or have to follow her back?
No history, or same level of culture. I missed this a lot!

I would encourage her to take extended holidays in Australia, relocating in old age is really not straight forward!!

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 14/05/2020 14:34

Feel really sorry for the DM here, you are fighting over her like she's a possession. It's really sad to read. You both need to grow up

walkingchuckydoll · 14/05/2020 14:36

My DSis knows the ropes. DM was made redundant last year and got a nice redundancy package. It is very expensive from what I’ve heard to pay for a visa. If she’s ever going to do it, it’ll have to be now before her redundancy runs out from cost of living. She doesn’t have wanted skills. So, sounds like she has to pay a large sum of money or maybe get sponsored by my DSis.

The cost of the visa itself isn't as big as a problem as getting it in the first place. At her age she won't be admitted for a permanent one unless she brings a few million. Your sis can't sponsor her as family because sis can only do that if she has no remaining family in the UK. But she does.

What your mum could do is ask for extended holiday visa's every year so she can spend six months there.

HildaSnibbs · 14/05/2020 14:43

Why don't you try and have an honest conversation with your mum about it - if she's seriously considering this she must be thinking it over a lot and be in need of someone to discuss it with.

You could say to her "look Mum obviously I'd miss you more than I can say, but it's such a huge decision I want to be here for you, and for you not to feel you have to protect me - let's put my feelings aside and have a proper conversation about the pros and cons, and what you really want for your life in the next 20 years (or whatever) as if I was a friend of yours not your daughter and try and sort out what you really want"

JudyCoolibar · 14/05/2020 14:51

DM was made redundant last year and got a nice redundancy package. It is very expensive from what I’ve heard to pay for a visa. If she’s ever going to do it, it’ll have to be now before her redundancy runs out from cost of living

Red flags there. What would she live on if she spends all her redundancy money? Has she looked into jobs, pensions, benefits? What about access to health services and higher levels of care as she gets older?

JudyCoolibar · 14/05/2020 14:52

It sounds to me as if the first thing she needs to do is to investigate whether she'd get a visa. If, as seems very likely from the information given in this thread, she won't, it's pointless spending any more time thinking about it.

Onone · 14/05/2020 15:02

It won’t be happening anytime soon anyway

Bluesheep8 · 14/05/2020 15:11

If, as a grown adult someone makes a choice to move to the other side of the world, then part of that choice is accepting that they are leaving their family. It's that simple. This is one of the things she should have considered before going. For me, it is that simple.

darklady64 · 14/05/2020 15:33

I was just going to type pretty much what Bluesheep8 said. Surely one of the decisions you have to weigh up is leaving behind relatives who may soon be too elderly to travel all that way. You can't move there and then decide everyone has to follow you for your convenience. Is it all a non problem anyway, though? It's not that simple just to up and go, especially if you are over 40.

kateandme · 14/05/2020 15:34

You could say to her "look Mum obviously I'd miss you more than I can say, but it's such a huge decision I want to be here for you, and for you not to feel you have to protect me - let's put my feelings aside and have a proper conversation about the pros and cons, and what you really want for your life in the next 20 years (or whatever) as if I was a friend of yours not your daughter and try and sort out what you really want"

this.
because also op it never hurts to feel wanted.you wouldnt want her to think your not bothered either by your distress causing you to emotioanlly turn off from her.dont push her away.there are way adult children can let their parents feel needed withoput as pp have nastily put it you emotianlly blackmailing her.your not.you love her and want her to stay as a mum it can never hurt to hear that.
yuo just have to do it in a way of love and not pressure.and let her talk through her own worries too.as above.

SharonasCorona · 14/05/2020 16:42

@MouthBreathingRage

A couple of examples from the OP

I rely on my DM emotionally and I think I would struggle if she wasn’t around.

To add to it my DP and I are having problems, not sure if we’re going to be together. Makes me need my DM around more.

We all need our mum at times. The examples above do not mean OP wants her mum at her beck and call.

MouthBreathingRage · 14/05/2020 17:02

We all need our mum at times.

Of course. I sure her sister feels the same, but obviously it's not possible physically (through choice), and the OP has to accept that it may be the same situation for her (by whatever choices her mum makes). My issue, as I've pointed out is that both sisters seem to want their mum close by, permanently, for only their own needs, and that is unfair on her for many reasons.

Elsiebear90 · 14/05/2020 17:11

I do have to say that if my mum was moving half away across the world, my main thoughts would not be “I rely on her and need her around” it would be “I’m going to really really miss her”. So I do agree with what mouthbreather is saying in that by OP describing the reasons she doesn’t want her mother to move to Oz primarily as she “relies on her”, it makes it sound like her and her sister only really want her nearby to help them and suit their needs.

Elsiebear90 · 14/05/2020 17:12

*mouthbreathingrage

TreeTopTim · 14/05/2020 17:12

Are you sure that your mum would even be allowed? Covid19 may make emigrating harder. Has your sister or mum even looked into it to see if it is even possible.

Sparklingplasters · 14/05/2020 17:58

Has your DM visited your dsis in Oz? If not then she would be a fool to consider relocating

MorganKitten · 14/05/2020 18:03

Surely it’s up to your mum, not you. I’m