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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Doing Neighbours Shopping??

27 replies

Tothemoonandbackx · 14/05/2020 09:59

At the beginning of the lockdown, me and my OH were talking to our elderly neighbours about the effects it's going to have on us all. My OH works for a supermarket and said if they needed anything don't hesitate to ask, we exchanged phone numbers and left it at that. Maybe a week or so after, they messaged asking for a few bits, no problem, my OH was doing a shop after his shift anyway... a few days later, they message asking for a few more bits, OH wasnt doing another shop for us, but went back in to get these bits. At this point their adult son who lives with them I might add, is at work, so we understand he cant get out as easily and seeing as my OH is there anyway, he can pick bits up. Their son was furloughed around 3 weeks ago, and since then, we assumed he would be the one going out to do their shop, he can drive, he's young, fit and healthy. But in the past three weeks, my OH has been messaged every other day. This means after getting up at 3 in the a.m, doing between 8-10 hours work, he's then having to go back into the store to wait in queues to then get home nearly an hour later than what he normally finishes. AIBU in thinking that either their son should now be going down for them or at least give us one big shopping list rather than needing little bits every other day,??? For example, today's request is, a punnet of strawberries, a jar of beetroot and some lettuce 😐 that's all.It's starting to get to my OH as he just wants to come home after work and see our daughter x

OP posts:

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 14/05/2020 10:00

Time for a quiet and tactful conversation , re now your son is at home

Crocky · 14/05/2020 10:03

It probably hasn’t even occurred to them the inconvenience it’s causing. Rather than store up the resentment just be clear that it won’t continue and why.

britnay · 14/05/2020 10:04

They need to either get their son to do it or give you a list no more than once a week at a prescribed time.

LudaMusser · 14/05/2020 10:04

This is an example of where you try to be kind and do the right thing but then it starts being abused and you wish you hadn't offered

I've done it myself and wished I hadn't but I'll think twice next time

I think you should mention about the fact the offer only stands if your husband is going shopping anyway regardless of if he works in a supermarket

Failing that, be to the point and ask why their son can't help or, fob them off

Fluffybutter · 14/05/2020 10:06

You just need to tell them .
Nothing else will solve it .
They probably wrongly assume as he works there that it will be easy for him to grab a few things before he comes home

AdaColeman · 14/05/2020 10:07

Just text them that you are no longer able to do any shopping for them.

Jojobar · 14/05/2020 10:08

He just needs to say no.

Their son probably (quite rightly) refuses to go to the shop for 3 items; they obviously see your husband as a soft touch.

How elderly are they if you say their son is young? Quite possibly they are under 70 in which case there's no reason unless they have other health conditions not to go themselves.

Phifedean123 · 14/05/2020 10:09

Yeah they are probably assuming he is picking the stuff up after his shift and it's no bother. You need to explain what you've said in your OP to them or they won't know

PuppyMonkey · 14/05/2020 10:11

Just tell them you are able to do their shopping on xx day, if they get a text to you by xxx time you can get their stuff.

Likethebattle · 14/05/2020 10:12

People tend to think staff just go onto the shop floor and get shopping. They don’t realise you usually have to come out the staff entrance and then go back in as a customer.

Flowerbomber92 · 14/05/2020 10:13

I think you could have a polite conversation, and just say that's only going on a certain day now and he will take a list from them that day, if for any reason he needs to go any other day he will chap and see if there is anything they need.

Streamingbannersofdawn · 14/05/2020 10:13

I was getting this with my in-laws. In the end I told them I could get their shopping on a Thursday when I got ours and they needed to give me a list. They did it a couple of times but then got a delivery arranged with a local store.

It's fine to help people but also make it work for you.

Herpesfreesince03 · 14/05/2020 10:16

Well you did offer, and they took you up on it. Your oh is being a bit silly going out of his way so much, they probably don’t even realise. You’re just going to have to tell them. I’d have a word with the son if I were you and say it’s getting to much having to do their shopping every other day so he’ll have to take over

Flowerbomber92 · 14/05/2020 10:16

Also, which supermarket is this as I work in Morrisons, we are allowed to clock out and get some shopping whilst still in the store, we also dont need to queue to get in if we are going in as a customer on our days off.

Sh05 · 14/05/2020 10:18

A quick word when he's dropping the next shopping off will fix this.
They're probably assuming the that he is picking it up during his shift and it's no bother.

makingmiracles · 14/05/2020 10:20

They are being cf. I’m shopping for a neighbour and her daughter but she knows it’s one big shop a week and i tell her which day I’m going so she can provide a list the night before. Occasionally I need to go again to top up but I make it clear I’m only getting a few bits if there’s something she desperately needs.

Poppyismyfavourite · 14/05/2020 10:21

Hmm I think you may have made this problem for yourselves and they may have no idea how you feel!
We've been doing a neighbour's shopping since lockdown started and we shop about every 8/9 days. So we text saying "we're shopping on Thursday..." (with a few days notice), and they text a list. Easy! We've said a few times "could go sooner if you need" but they haven't.

PumpkinP · 14/05/2020 10:22

Well you did offer, and they’ve taken you up on the offer

pawsies · 14/05/2020 10:32

I'd probably just say oh I'll add it to the list and get it on his preferred day.
If they keep asking for things every day just keep saying ok I'll add it to the list and then get everything at once.
If you get a message the next day just say oh right sure, won't be able to get it until (next preferred day) but will add it to the list etc etc.
It's not inconveniencing him or them that way and if they are desperate for the item the son can go and get it.

Jayaywhynot · 14/05/2020 10:33

Say could you give some thought to what you need from the supermarket so my DH can do one big shop when he does ours as he is having to finish work and then go outside and join the queue to go back in and it sometimes takes an hour, maybe your DS could do your top up shops inbetween.

MereDintofPandiculation · 14/05/2020 10:55

You need to reel it back now to something manageable rather than let the irritation escalate to the point where you refuse to give any help.

Just explain that you can only shop when a) you're doing your own or b) if there happens to be no queue, so while you're quite happy to have requests, it won't be same day delivery, it may be a week or more before you can actually get it.

If they're confined to home, they won't have a clue what it's like out there. I know, only because I've seen facebook posts and what I've read on here.

On the other hand, food becomes very important as a way of putting little spots of brightness into the monotony. I made a batch of almond macaroons last week - I can still remember how lovely they were, it was pretty well the highlight of the week. But it's a good job I can get supermarket delivery slots, because there's no way I could ask a neighbour or volunteer to go out and get me a packet of ground almonds and some rice paper!

Original poster

Tothemoonandbackx · 14/05/2020 10:56

Thanks guys. Funnily enough, I've just seen him out in the garden, he popped his head over to say good morning and mentioned asking if it was ok that he txt OH amd had he got it, opportunity arose itself there. I said "yes he has, he won't mind picking them up today, but I think its prbably going to be better next time if we could do it just once a week as one big shop if that's ok, as it just makes it a bit easier for OH after his shift"he just said "yeah that's fine" "I usually get the grandson to do the big shop of he can come", he even mentioned his son without me prompting and said "I'd send DS, but because he's living with us, we don't want him to bring anything back" x

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 14/05/2020 10:59

Yes in their defence, they’re probably NOT suggesting you make a special trip just for their strawberries - it’s probably more “when you can.”

Unless the tone of the text is more: “we need strawberries by 7pm, you lazy arse.”

SoloMummy · 14/05/2020 11:00

If they're shielding, I presume the son is too to avoid passing the virus on.
So I'd say yabu.

BlingLoving · 14/05/2020 11:04

I'm glad you've talked to them because I was about to come on and tell you to just discuss it. I'm sure they think he can pick stuff up while he's working and have no idea he has to make a special trip. Not least because they're not asking for urgent/essential stuff.

To be honest, I don't understand why these situations develop. You said DH could do it because he works there anyway. Then suddenly, it's a hassle because he has to queue. So it makes no sense to me - why offer if it IS a hassle. or, if you ARE going to offer, offer on basis that when DH is doing your shopping, he will get theirs in too.

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