To drop a note through neighbours door

[WokeUpSmeltTheCoffee]

Or should I call 101?
Or do nothing?

Lived in this terraced house 15years and had same male neighbour all that time. We are on cordial terms eg take in parcels but not friendly. The walls are thin and we can hear crying children and normal household noise from both sides but have got used to it.

In that time he's had at least 3 female partners and IMHO has been borderline abusive to them all.
He shouts, screams, swears, calls them foul names but I have no evidence of anything physical apart from one occasion when I did call 999 after he had kicked his pregnant partner out in the garden at night, barefoot and was shoving her. Police came and she went with them and she left him shortly afterwards thank god.

His current partner he's been with a few years but since lockdown things are really bad. For hours and hours every day I can hear him shouting, swearing and calling her every name under the sun. I find it really disturbing (brings up long past experiences for me) and I have been in tears over it.

On the other hand DH and the kids don't seem to notice as much as I do (although they can hear it and will mention it) so maybe I am oversensitive
I do hear her shouting back at him too although not as much as he shouts
I have no evidence of anything physical going on.
Maybe it's none of my business but I really wish it would stop.

I have thought of putting a note through asking her if she is Ok but shamefully I don't know her name only his.

I have thought of a note to him to let him know we can hear and asking him to tone it down but would that make it worse for her?

Occasionally I wonder about calling police but I guess shouting and swearing is not an offence.

Coronavirus complicated things as I can't really ask her round for tea and he is always there.

So IABU to drop a note and will only make it worse/ none of my business
or IANBU I should try to help in some way

They just started shouting at each other again right now and that follows on from a few hours worth around tea time. 'You f* stupid bitch will you just shut the f up' is the sort of thing. She does shout back 'no you shut up' but it's mostly him.

Just wanted to share this leaflet produced by the major DV organisations on this issue - in case someone else’s comes to this thread and wants to help their neighbour/friend too 1q7dqy2unor827bqjls0c4rn-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/NEW_For-Community_COVID-19-and-Domestic-Abuse-Sexual-Violence-and-GBV_Galop-addition.pdf

If she has the balls to shout back now and then and there are no kids involved, i would leave well alone.

Police have arrived next door
They didn't phone me or knock at ours or anything so not sure if it is to do with my report
It was quiet when they knocked though.
Oh god have I done the right thing.

Pretty quick visit. They've gone away again now. They didn't knock at ours which I am glad of as I am in my PJs with wet hair. Maybe it was nothing to do with my report. Maybe I did overreact.

Now they are arguing again but more of a normal volume not abusive. He's paranoid about who has called. I feel scared for her and a bit scared for me.

You absolutely did NOT overreact. You did the right thing in supporting this woman. Well done and I hope she leaves him because of this, hopefully you will have helped her to get away from him. Don't doubt yourself - you should be proud that you've taken action instead of ignoring abuse.

You didnt overreact. You made sure the people that can make sure she is ok know that she may be vulnerable. That is ALWAYS the right thing to do.

If it goes on, call the police back

Ok I think it's gone quiet again now.
He was talking about 'who has f ing snitched' and saying 'she'll probably be recording this you know' banging up and down the stairs in a way that felt like maybe he wanted us to hear but maybe I am imagining things.
Going to try to go to bed and sleep now. DH oblivious to whole thing snoring away. He is a very deep sleeper.
So far this doing the right thing business is a bit bloody scary.

@WokeUpSmeltTheCoffee
Hey hun soo you'll be happy to know they take that seriously and will check up on them and question her, if it's verbal abuse they'll definitely do everything they can to get her to tell them, u don't need any evidence u just have to tell them everything you've heard and thay you're worried, only issue is they can't do anything unless she admits what he says but please do call the cops

Abuse mentally and physically has gotten alot worse for people since quarantine, putting a note in or talking about it will make it worse for her or put her at risk.

I've been in her shoes. Although I'd be scared to admit it to cops because i "love" the person, I'd feel a little better knowing someone who is close to my house is watching out for me..

Hell even just record a video if they're yelling, tell ur family to quiet down, that'll be enough evidence for the police for verbal abuse

Do not ignore this.
Police will never get you in trouble if you are concerned with someone's safety.
They WILL check in on her.
They will most likely check her for signs of physical abuse too.

At least I am in work all day tomorrow so won't be here if he decides to come round. I think DH will handle it better than me but might not be pleased with me rocking the boat.

You did the right thing. hopefully, things will settle down, but if not, call the police again and double-check they realise they have attended the property previously to this time.

The police did the right thing by not engaging with you at the time too.

Call the police, you and your kids should not have to listen to that either. X

Yes they would definitely be interested. It’s ongoing too, I’d be worried about escalation.

OK if it starts up again 999 domestic in progress.

101 is absolutely overrun rn. DV is an emergency. Imagine if you were her.

Well done OP.

@WokeUpSmeltTheCoffee

Please do not worry!!!! You absolutely did not do the wrong thing! The police won't involve you, or indeed say who called!
If you neighbour is to come to your house, plead ignorance to calling. You do not have to answer to this man.
Recording any incidents are also a good idea.

I read the message you directed to me, and scarily enough it sounds so similar to me! The man I was with had an age gap of almost 20 years.. and a very challenging relationship with his ex partner who he has several children under 5 with, he painted her to be the "crazy physco bitch" and by some of the things I heard of her, I believed it.
He drew me into the relationship with all the love bombing in the world (I wish I had known MN before meeting him as I think all the red flag talk would have registered), we moved in quickly.
He soon had me leave my job, sell my car, broke my relationships with long standing friends, I became financially dependent on him, in debt by the thousands and thousands this is done over a period of time, and not in the way one might think leaving my job for instance - I had been working nights for 3 years, the the company for 10, I was frustrated with lack of support in the job and getting itchy feet, he sold me leaving my longstanding job as "we will work together on my business, a partnership etc"
6 months later, with all my money and savings given to him for "our" business - in my name - I'm totally broke and hes in control of what money comes in. Its slow and methodical.
Turns out " crazy bitch ex" had also had dealings with the police because of his behaviour. At first I couldn't understand how she could have so many kids with this man in a short period of time, but he was very convincing and very loving as long as he was getting his own way.
Day to day nobody would know that I was getting more and more isolated, and the control was getting worse.
Until we would have a few drinks and i would start questioning his behaviour, it would soon turn into him raising his voice to try and intimidate me and I would start screaming back.

This is why when a few posters said "if shes giving just as good back don't get involved"

No, its not always this way. When the arguments started, the only reason I was "giving as good back" was because I was at a breaking point.
There's times I would grab a knife because I wanted to hurt myself so badly. I would hit my head off walls, at the worst, he would take my phone away sometimes - many more incidents but to say could be too outing.

My reaction was because of sustained mental abuse. It wasnt because I was "giving back as good as I was getting"

Once the police had been involved several times (and him taken away) the abuse actually stopped, the arguments stopped as he became fearful of his criminal record.

I was, and always will be so thankful to the police, but I am slightly less thankful to the neighbours who, when I managed to walk out during one of these terrible times, I found sitting in my house on the sofa opposite, staring at me as I came in - covered in tears and bruises- and had sat with my abuser listening to him put a positive spin on himself and not on me.
It was two women too, so I felt extra betrayed.
For a long time they only spoke to him, whilst silently I suffered. Eventually they did start talking to me, but I was never able to forgive them for not seeing through it, or not just quietly phoning for help and letting the authorities help me.

Op, you have absolutely done the right and correct thing. Please please please don't think otherwise.

• don't know where the crossed out sentence of my post came from, wasn't supposed to be there

You have done the right thing in reporting it.

Yes call the police. They will attend a verbal domestic, it doesn’t just have to be physical.

Don’t put a note through the door- what if he gets it and thinks she’s been asking for help? It could make things worse for her.

Next time you hear him shouting and screaming at her, ring the Police

Oops sorry just realized you’ve already called them. Good on you OP, you did the right thing.

If he comes to your door do not answer and called the Police straight away.

Your did the right thing.

Keep ringing them. Maybe he will think she is more bother than she is worth and throw her out. A refuge or hostel will be better than there...
Report online every night if necessary.

you did the right thing op, there are too many men like your dh who don't / won't see the problem or don't want to get involved.
good for you taking a stand.

I would do nothing. Dont get involved. You could end up in big trouble.

Just adding - you did the right thing. Shocked that so many women are suggesting you shouldn't get involved - have you seen the stats?