To drop a note through neighbours door

[WokeUpSmeltTheCoffee]

Or should I call 101?
Or do nothing?

Lived in this terraced house 15years and had same male neighbour all that time. We are on cordial terms eg take in parcels but not friendly. The walls are thin and we can hear crying children and normal household noise from both sides but have got used to it.

In that time he's had at least 3 female partners and IMHO has been borderline abusive to them all.
He shouts, screams, swears, calls them foul names but I have no evidence of anything physical apart from one occasion when I did call 999 after he had kicked his pregnant partner out in the garden at night, barefoot and was shoving her. Police came and she went with them and she left him shortly afterwards thank god.

His current partner he's been with a few years but since lockdown things are really bad. For hours and hours every day I can hear him shouting, swearing and calling her every name under the sun. I find it really disturbing (brings up long past experiences for me) and I have been in tears over it.

On the other hand DH and the kids don't seem to notice as much as I do (although they can hear it and will mention it) so maybe I am oversensitive
I do hear her shouting back at him too although not as much as he shouts
I have no evidence of anything physical going on.
Maybe it's none of my business but I really wish it would stop.

I have thought of putting a note through asking her if she is Ok but shamefully I don't know her name only his.

I have thought of a note to him to let him know we can hear and asking him to tone it down but would that make it worse for her?

Occasionally I wonder about calling police but I guess shouting and swearing is not an offence.

Coronavirus complicated things as I can't really ask her round for tea and he is always there.

So IABU to drop a note and will only make it worse/ none of my business
or IANBU I should try to help in some way

They just started shouting at each other again right now and that follows on from a few hours worth around tea time. 'You f* stupid bitch will you just shut the f up' is the sort of thing. She does shout back 'no you shut up' but it's mostly him.

I think the note might just make things worse. The incident that made you call the police before suggests that you are reasonable in suspecting that it might be more than just the verbal abuse that you can hear through the walls. I'd suggest ringing the police as a non-emergency call and at least giving them voicing your concerns to that if they receive any requests for assistance, or anything else, such as a silent call from that address they will be alert for it. They may give you advice; they may not be able to do so, but it's worth a try.

Call the police - 999 every single time.

We used to live up the road from a couple who had a terrible relationship with alcohol. Every weekend, without fail, we would be woken to drunken screaming as she tried to kick him out.

It was utterly, utterly debilitating to live next to so I completely empathise, OP. You are kind.

Each time the police arrive at that front door, she might think - someone hears and someone cares. He is a bully and bullies need standing up to. You have nothing to be afraid of; men like that wouldn't dare say a word to your face.

It's true I definitely can hear her shouting back too but I guess it's that I know he has been like this with 3 different women at least now and I did definitely see him being physically abusive to his previous partner.
Perhaps that was the one and only occasion but I've often felt a bit sick since then thinking perhaps it wasn't.
When he introduced us to this new partner I actually wanted to warn her off but felt I had no real way of doing it.

I am going to call 101
I just needed a bit of a sounding board from other women
DH can hear it and agrees it sounds awful but he wouldn't call himself and he thinks I am over reacting a bit.
He wouldn't stop me calling but he's not entirely backing me up either and it's made me doubt myself but I don't want to go on doing nothing
Maybe it sounds silly but I can't bear to hear another woman being treated like that.

Yes to calling the Police but never ever stick a note through the door it could put her in real and immediate danger,an abuser generally doesn't stop because someone can hear them but they can implode and take it out on the person they're already abusing.

I know from experience of being in an abusive marriage and of helping other women to escape they're abusers after I'd escaped mine.

Call the police - I did when there were a couple of screamy rows that went on forever in the flat next door, and mostly the guy shouting - they were Korean, so I had no idea what was being said. They've since moved.
I did see the woman in the lobby on her own a few days after one of the rows, and stopped to ask if she was OK.
Police were fine - thanked me for calling, no indication they thought I was wasting their time.

I agree, you put a note through the door and he will go insane and it will all be her fault, if he hasnt hit her yet, he would batter her for "showing him up".

You're absolutely doing the right thing. I know my neighbours could hear when my ex was physically abusing me, and I so wish they had called.

Call. No note. Thank you for being so caring.

Am calling 101

They don't make it very easy to call though. Lots of interminable menus and now on hold for ages

Next door have gone quiet again now so not gone on as long as it usually does. It genuinely has been at least an hour sometimes, every day definitely and a number of times a day usually.

@WokeUpSmeltTheCoffee I wish someone had called 101 for me when I was in that situation. Shouting back or sticking up for yourself is not ‘giving as good as you get’...believe me.

I grew up with a father who verbally and physically abused my mother.
She has coped much better with it than my sister and I have.
Please call the Police.
Even if the woman chooses to put up with this, her kids shouldnt have to.

You are doing the right thing, that’s part of what the police are there for.

Yes, please please please call the police. ASAP.

my friend (before I knew her) was subjected to this kind of abuse then he started raping her. he murdered her dog .held her prisoner and almost killed her The neighbours heard it all over months and didn't call the PoliceCALL THE POLICE EVERY TIME

It's verbal abuse so you are right to call the police. And calling them every time it happens (as you should if you heard someone being beaten through the wall).

Couldn't get through on 101 in the end it just kept me on hold for ages then cut me off but I have submitted an online crime report so hopefully I'll get a call back or they will send someone round. It says it should be within 24 hrs.

It’s definitely ok to call 101.

If nothing else, you need to send a clear message to your kids that this type of behavior is unacceptable. I grew up in a house like that. It really leaves a mark. I don’t imagine Overhearing it would destroy a child growing up in a loving, healthy home, but I would still want to send the message to them that it isn’t an example of an acceptable relationship.

Well done op. It’s tough to do, but necessary. Your call may be “just” one piece of a whole jigsaw that the authorities put together from several concerns, it maybe the call that makes the difference, it may “just” alert them to a potential danger.
I’m sure it will be valuable.

@WokeUpSmeltTheCoffee
Ugh, how ghastly for you....It must be unendurable to listen to that...Our walls {Victorian Terrace}are paper thin too...It is like people are in the same house as you sometimes...
But to have to listen to this awful brute must be so bad.
I just don't understand how such men get partners, but they do seem to!
Don't write a note...It could make it worse for you and her..
Glad you are calling police.

I tried to support two friends that were living with abusive partners, one of them actually attacked me physically {I was 18 at the time} he broke his hand punching me.......What REALLY hurt was that my friend went to hospital with him......and she said that he'd told the doctor he'd punched a bloke......

So sorry you are having to hear this abuse.

It is absolutely a police matter. I would keep trying 101.

I would worry a note could put her more at risk, after all in the eyes of the abuser it would be her fault.

Thank you for calling the police.

Never a note always the police. I say this as a victim of similar to your neighbour. The truth of what was going on was daily quieter abuse, then we would prehaps have a drink, i would get brave, things would escalate. Loose lips after a few drinks meant that I would anger him, when day to day living was me keeping quiet and him not getting mad. Didn't mean there wasn't abuse every day. Neighbours rang police once. They got involved.
Once the neighbours turned up after I had walked out, he span some terrible lies about it being me and i felt stupid and belittled everytime I saw them, they also didn't talk to me for a while and would only speak to him, that was probably the worse thing. I was a victim of the abuse, but he was clever enough to switch things around.
Simular to what could happen if you sent a note.

When I police became involved in a few incidents, it gave me the strength to stand up for myself. I was put on a vulnerable register and if there was any sort of domestic then the police would come to make sure I was safe. Any calls to the police were treated as priority.
They took him away from me, made me safe.

In the end the police presence was enough for him to stop being abusive.
(Please no questions on why I continued a relationship with him, it was incredibly complex, and alot to do with financial abuse)
Youre doing the right thing for your neighbour, but please never let on its come from you-

except if you can ever talk to the woman 1 to 1 and simply say "are you OK, if you ever need anything you can get in touch"

Thanks for caring op

As someone who is involved in safeguarding in school/church, it's not your job to investigate or intervene. Move it up the line. Call the police.

Thanks for backing me up everyone
I would not have called if I hadn't posted. I was wanting to do something but not sure what. It's helped me to see more clearly and not ignore my gut instinct.

Thanks especially to those who shared their experiences. I have not experienced domestic abuse but I am a survivor of a rape many years ago (not in a relationship - just saying that for clarity. I do believe all rape is rape). I do therefore regularly get very upset about violence against women and have to turn off news reports etc. I worried that might make me over sensitive and that I was over reacting but the thread helped me see my perspective is valid.

Magpie- when we first moved in he had just finished with his 1st partner and the police turned up and asked us if we witnessed anything as he said she had vandalised his car. We didn't see anything and accepted his explanation that 'she was a crazy psycho bitch'. When I saw him abusing his next partner I realised he was either lying about her or drove her crazy. This time I had a sinking feeling but just hoped it wouldn't happen again. His partners are always much younger and the last two were immigrants so he appears to pick on vulnerable women.
I hope she leaves him and honestly if I see him with another woman I will find a way to warn her. Thought about it this time then thought I was over-reacting/ would look crazy and here we are again.