To prefer my DS to stay with my DP (and not go to my mum) if I die?

[vulvic]

*touch wood I won't, of course

I am constantly troubled by not knowing what would happen to my little boy if I died (especially because I have bad health anxiety).

I have two children.
DS (oldest) isn't involved with his dad. He's a preschooler.

I have a new baby with DP now too.
He's amazing, he's always had an amazing relationship with my DS and stepped up massively despite nothing being expected of him at the time, and he's now an amazing dad to DD.

Anyway, I plan to make a will (just incase).
I haven't known whether to opt for my mum or my DP as legal guardian, but now considering we have our family home and DP and I have a little girl (who my DS adores), I'd be leaning towards designating my DP as guardian if I died.

Anyway, I told my mum I was making a will and not being sure what to do.
She said I'd 'clearly be signing the babies over to her'.
I explained that I really wouldn't given my DP is an amazing dad to my little girl so she'd clearly be staying with him anyway, and explained that I'd probably rather my two babies not get separated and my DS not be ripped from the stability of his home.

She said I'd be stupid to put my 'boyfriend' down and not her and then went really off with me and ended the conversation.

I've always considered DM an option but the reality is, she openly says about how she 'can't deal' with more than 24 hours of having my DS.

Anyway, this all seems really petty given that it's hypothetical but is also a really real problem so I'm just seeking other opinions for such a massive decision!

"unless op plans to lie to the court"

Ah yes, I wasn't thinking of her having to go to court & be asked who the father is!

If a stepfather adopts a child, it removes parental responsibility from the father.
It is much more straightforward to simply give the stepfather parental responsibility, which means that it wouldn't be taken away from anyone else.
So it wouldn't stop the father applying for parental responsibility if he wanted to (which seems unlikely!)
Adoption seems unnecessary for me, just get married and sort out PR.

OP's dp having parental responsibility would NOT prevent the bio father from seeking residency in the event of OP's death. Bio father not being on birth certificate would complicate this but not rule it out.

Only way to be certain would be to officially adopt.

Easiest way to ensure both DC stay with your DP is to either marry him or have him adopt DS.

Right now it would be unimaginable for your DM and DP to ignore your wishes and duke it out in the courts but grief does funny things to people.
Did your DM give you any reason for not wanting her grandchildren to live with DP?

OP I feel this thread could be adding to your health anxiety, it's just pages of people talking about your death like it's a sure thing! You aren't going to die! You don't need to, and can't anyway, "sign your children away" to someone.

Do not waste time talking to your mother about this. Not sure why there is concern upthread that your ds father would come back and try to snatch him? He isn't even interested in part time parenting now. And neither is your mother whatever she might say, as you point out she is exhausted and done after one day with your ds. Just discuss it with your partner then forget about it.

You should get married and then get your partner added as a person with PR. That's more likely to go through than a step parent adoption which is rare. I would seek legal advice first, about the possibility the family courts will insist on dragging the bio father into it. If there was a chance that could happen I'd steer well clear.

Also stop thinking of this as a "massive decision" like it's such a big weight on your shoulders. The reality is, it isn't your decision. You won't be involved as you'd be dead at the time. It would be decided by the people involved and social services/the courts if necessary, based on what is best for the children and who is available and willing.

I'm probably being stupid, but how would they do that if he's not on the BC?

I’m pretty sure that the Op will remember his name. According to her there’s a long history of DV and he has multiple convictions for “emotionally abusing “ her. He will be contacted and visited by a social worker to seek his views.

Any judge granting an adoption order will want to be sure that it’s in the child’s best interest to permanent sever theircontact with their biological parent. It’s a very draconian step and isn’t taken lightly.

Your mum is nuts - but it's exactly the kind of thing my nutty mum would do too. Love her to bits but just bonkers.
As everyone has said, regardless of what is in your will, your eldest's home will be decided by the court. Your youngest will stay with DP because DP is her parent. DS's bio dad can go to court for custody. He'd first get a DNA test, use that to be put on the birth certificate and then fight for custody. He may or may not get custody.
In my experience of courts, it could go either way. Even if you wrote in your will that your mother should have custody of DS then I'd imagine there's about a 70% chance the court would overrule you because it's not beneficial for your child to be moved away from the family they live with just to please the wishes of a dead person.
I'd strongly recommend that you keep your children together. Continuity is so important for grieving children.

As always happens, you get conflicting advice on threads like these.
Honestly, you HAVE to talk to a solicitor about it, to see what is the best course of action.

Of course people make provision for care of their children in their Wills, that's standard - children are far more important than pets and absolutely should be mentioned in Wills, rather than left to chance that some biological relation will step in, however unsuitable.

But get the legal advice you need. The bereavement benefit isn't the only benefit to you being married - there are other protections etc. included - but you still don't HAVE to be married for your DP to adopt your DS, it just makes it easier. He will need to have more than just parental responsibility to sign off on a passport for your DS, for example.

The Op is very young and is just out of a very violent long term relationship from which she has a 3 or 4 year old. She and her child have been involved with the police and I assume social services.

Her ex has “ multiple convictions” for abuse and I assume has spent time in prison.

Now she has a new partner and a new baby . She says she didn’t expect her DP to do well as a father so it’s only been a few weeks/ months that he’s been “ an amazing father “. We’ve been on lockdown for nearly 2 of these months , so not normal life.

I’m not sure it’s the best advice to encourage her to rush into marriage.

Nor am I as sure as everyone else that her mother is bonkers.

Just my opinion.

She’s just had a baby and has mental health issues. I’m not sure that W outraging her to rush into marriage is teh best thing.