To prefer my DS to stay with my DP (and not go to my mum) if I die?

[vulvic]

*touch wood I won't, of course

I am constantly troubled by not knowing what would happen to my little boy if I died (especially because I have bad health anxiety).

I have two children.
DS (oldest) isn't involved with his dad. He's a preschooler.

I have a new baby with DP now too.
He's amazing, he's always had an amazing relationship with my DS and stepped up massively despite nothing being expected of him at the time, and he's now an amazing dad to DD.

Anyway, I plan to make a will (just incase).
I haven't known whether to opt for my mum or my DP as legal guardian, but now considering we have our family home and DP and I have a little girl (who my DS adores), I'd be leaning towards designating my DP as guardian if I died.

Anyway, I told my mum I was making a will and not being sure what to do.
She said I'd 'clearly be signing the babies over to her'.
I explained that I really wouldn't given my DP is an amazing dad to my little girl so she'd clearly be staying with him anyway, and explained that I'd probably rather my two babies not get separated and my DS not be ripped from the stability of his home.

She said I'd be stupid to put my 'boyfriend' down and not her and then went really off with me and ended the conversation.

I've always considered DM an option but the reality is, she openly says about how she 'can't deal' with more than 24 hours of having my DS.

Anyway, this all seems really petty given that it's hypothetical but is also a really real problem so I'm just seeking other opinions for such a massive decision!

What is it regarding marriage and adoption that you are sceptical about?

You should be married before kids anyway for your own protection and then if he's as amazing as you say then having him adopt your eldest makes sense.

We did our wills for the second time a few years ago and my PIL will take the children. They said they would move into our house so the children could stay at their own schools and if they were to die then my BIL would have to step up. There is no one else so I'm trying desperately to hang in until my youngest is at least 18.

I just spread your post about liking having full control over your boy and I think that is so unfair to your partner. He's brilliant but you are the boss. He's either equal or he isn't and for the child's sake he should be treated exactly the same as your daughter. It sounds like you're using your partner for what suits you but he doesn't get the reward or credit of being equal parent.

Bit of a wacky reading that Sunshine! She’s obviously had to go it alone at some point and that sense of pride and self-reliance is a lot to let go of.

I would never have someone adopt my child. I'd want full parental responsibility for them if their dad wasn't around. Why your mum thinks your partner's child would go to her, I don't know!

I don't think it is wacky. We are all different and all get different feelings from posts. It's no big deal.

Reading that your mum assumed she would get your children over their own father made me feel very uncomfortable. Why on earth did she think this? Why does she think she's a better care giver than your partner? I don't understand.
Don't discuss your will with her again. I would definitely think about getting married and given that your son's bio dad isn't involved, if it can be done think about putting your partner's name on his birth certificate.

Definitely get your wishes for your children down on paper now. And make sure that if you work, not only are the choices you make regarding pension recorded, that what you want to happen to any Death in Service benefit or funds are as well.

My mother ordered my DB to put her down as beneficiary for the pension scheme.

Turns out he didn't. Which as he had told her about it, means to me that he didn't want her to have it. Or he'd have filled in the form immediately as she had instructed him to do, right?

Without a will or any idea of his wishes ('nothing was found' when they stripped his room and binned everything on the day he died), she's got the lot.

I've made a point of specifying DP is to be the sole beneficiary of mine since then. She (and the other vultures offspring who know they'll get it from her soon enough) won't be getting a penny from me.

Get married (publish bans, registry office in 4 weeks time), both take out life insurance naming the other as benificiary. Make a will if you have anything to leave, but you don't leave children to people in a will, they aren't pets.

I cannot get my head around your mother thinking one parent can "sign over" their children to the children's grandparent when the children have another capable resident and fully involved parent/ step parent. Close in age siblings who are brought up together are always kept together following removal from or death of one parent unless it's completely impossible. Your DS isn't a consolation prize for your mother.

I just read the Mexican house Thief. Oh my good god it was amazing. 😂😂

Omg sorry I've posted that last comment on the wrong thread! Sorry op ignore me I'm an idiot 😂

We made a will on the assumption that our deaths would either be a long way off, or would involve an accident we both died in. We are married so the question of who gets the kids if one us dies is legally settled anyway. I would marry to start with, it will make everything so much easier in your situation. However, we did have to designate guardians that were not each other and I wouldn't dream of designating parents. Unless you're really sound and your parents are really young it seems crazy to have people who may in turn die within a decade be their guardians. How upsetting would that be for the kids! Guardians are our respective siblings - we left it rather vague how they handle the split of time or kids but I sure they would figure something out.

As I understand it both children would go to the fathers. If your DS’s father refused or was deemed unsuitable, then social workers would get involved. Your mum and your DP would need to prove themselves to be the best carer, and over an adoptive/foster family. Your DP would probably have the edge as your DD would also be living with him - however, that’s not all that is taken into account and it might be felt he wasn’t suitable. If your DP adopts your son (his father will need to agree or else it can go to court to decide), then he would automatically remain your son’s legal guardian in the event of your death.

What you want and what is law seems to be two very different things.
Your options will be taken into account but PR is likely to go to the next biological adult.
They may attempt to contact your ex despite the lack of parenting he has put into DS but next will be your DS' aunts, uncles and grandparents.
Maybe your DP could adopt?

@Savingshoes my ex has no parental responsibility and isn't on the BC so I'm assuming it isn't the case for them to contact him?

He has no aunts, no uncles, only one active grandparent (my DM).

You don’t have to get married for your partner to adopt your child.

Tootletum the OP must be exceptionally young because she said her mother is under 40! In that case age isn't a reason not to name her as prefered guardian as it usually would be.

However being wrong headed enough to think that her daughter could and should "sign over the babies" in the event of her (but not their other parent's) death seems like quite a sound reason not to consider her the ideal foster parent!

Its hard to understand why the OP and her partner don't have a quiet, private registery office wedding in 4 or 5 weeks time to make everything more secure for their children, so maybe OP and her mum are quite alike.

All your ex needs is a dna test to prove his relationship to your son.

If you don’t want your child going to your ex, get a lawyer and follow his/her advice.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to have your dp raise your son alongside his sister, but it is by no means the default. Your ex or your mother could challenge in court whether or not your boyfriend should have custody and they might win. And yes, he may be your partner in your heart, but legally he has no relationship to you or your son.

@AllIMissNowIsTheSea perhaps because no one can married at the moment?!
My friend was meant to be getting married on June 16th but the registry office have cancelled their wedding.

OP, do not put your current DP on your sons birth certificate as a PP has suggested, that’s both illegal and morally wrong. Your son has the right to know that DP is not his biological father (I assume he’s too young to realise this now!)
However, your DP has no “claim” over your son should you die and therefore with the absence of the bio father (if he’s not on the BC who is going to know who to contact?) your son may well go to your mother if she is his next of kin. As others have suggested, adoption is the only way to ensure your son gets to stay with your DP and DD

Yes they will contact your ex, he’s still the child’s father.

You say he has multiple convictions for emotionally abusing you so I’m sure he’s known to the authorities.

Can I ask how old you are OP and the age of your current partner ?

Your dp could apply for parental rights over your ds without going as far as adopting him. He could also adopt him obviously (no need to be married for that). I think re his bio dad, the court would usually look for his consent or be persuaded to dispense with it. You would need to take legal advice tho.

"Yes they will contact your ex, he’s still the child’s father."

I'm probably being stupid, but how would they do that if he's not on the BC?

By the way. being married doesn’t mean you inherit your spouses kids @Tootletum. It makes no difference to the issue other than there is a (rebuttable) presumption that the husband is the father of married when they are born. You don’t get parental rights over kids over marrying the mother after they’re born though.

So many marriage myths on mn!

@diddl - unless op plans to lie to the court they will likely require her ex to be notified. They’re not going t grant an adoption order without this sort of evidence

Fiddlersgreen Ah OK - I'm abroad and the legal wedding is still allowed to take place here (couple only plus registrar and town hall provided witness). No parties obviously, but the legalities are still taking place if people choose not to postpone them. It's basically just the same procedure as registering a birth, which is also still allowed.

@AllIMissNowIsTheSea I know right! All a bit random but hey ho, different strokes...