To prefer my DS to stay with my DP (and not go to my mum) if I die?

[vulvic]

*touch wood I won't, of course

I am constantly troubled by not knowing what would happen to my little boy if I died (especially because I have bad health anxiety).

I have two children.
DS (oldest) isn't involved with his dad. He's a preschooler.

I have a new baby with DP now too.
He's amazing, he's always had an amazing relationship with my DS and stepped up massively despite nothing being expected of him at the time, and he's now an amazing dad to DD.

Anyway, I plan to make a will (just incase).
I haven't known whether to opt for my mum or my DP as legal guardian, but now considering we have our family home and DP and I have a little girl (who my DS adores), I'd be leaning towards designating my DP as guardian if I died.

Anyway, I told my mum I was making a will and not being sure what to do.
She said I'd 'clearly be signing the babies over to her'.
I explained that I really wouldn't given my DP is an amazing dad to my little girl so she'd clearly be staying with him anyway, and explained that I'd probably rather my two babies not get separated and my DS not be ripped from the stability of his home.

She said I'd be stupid to put my 'boyfriend' down and not her and then went really off with me and ended the conversation.

I've always considered DM an option but the reality is, she openly says about how she 'can't deal' with more than 24 hours of having my DS.

Anyway, this all seems really petty given that it's hypothetical but is also a really real problem so I'm just seeking other opinions for such a massive decision!

I don't know what I've done to make half of this on bold writing

Can you get married and DP adopts him? That way you're legally covered?

My concern would be if you die, and his dad suddenly appears and wants custody - could anything be done to stop him?

@vanillandhoney definitely an option but I'm just skeptical about it. I can't explain why, it's a logical option. We've actually spoke about it this morning.

I think I'm just used to and found major comfort in being the only person with parental responsibility and choices for my little boy.

It's not legally binding who you put in the will but would be taken into consideration.

At the current time I would put your DP, but I suppose if things change in your relationship with your DP (hopefully not) then you could change it to your DM or someone else.

She’s had a really odd reaction there.

Obviously your daughter would stay with her father, and nothing you write in a will would change that.

And obviously your son would be best off staying with his step-dad and half-sister, who he already lives with. Your DP doesn’t have any legal rights to your son as it stands, so you may want to think about adoption at some point. Ultimately if you died a court would decide whether your son should live - they would take into account your expressed wishes, but would not be bound by whatever your will says.

If I were you I’d drop it with your mum to avoid rows. Just write in your will what you want to happen. Remember if anything ever did happen to you, you won’t be around to hear your mum moaning about the kids staying with your partner, so it doesn’t really matter what she thinks!

You can put your wishes in your will for guardianship but it is not legally binding.
Your DP would keep custody of his biological child and even if you were to put your Mother in your will that would be ignored.
If your DS's biological father were to seek custody he might gain it, or your mother might be successful if she were to seek custody.
The best way to ensure your DS stays with your DP upon your early death would be for your DP to adopt him.

A court would decide WHERE your son would live, obviously.

We've just done our wills. Don't forget you need a second guardian incase both you and dp die together. So I'd put your mum down for both dc in that case.

And don't discuss it with your mum! It's your choice!

I think I'm just used to and found major comfort in being the only person with parental responsibility and choices for my little boy.

I think you need to weigh this up against the benefits. If you become unwell or as you say, if you die, isn't it good to have someone who can step in make those decisions for you?

You've had another child with him and say he's a great parent, so why not legalise your relationship and cover all corners just in case?

Your DP would automatically get custody of your daughter as he shares parental responsibility, there is no question of being able to "sign your babies over" to your mum! If you don't want them separated then I would make your DP your son's legal guardian.

Ultimately it wouldn't make much difference what you put in a will. If DP wanted to keep your elder child then your mum would have to go to court to get him in her care and that would probably not be successful, depending on DS's wishes and the status quo. It's a silly conversation to be having anyway. Just discuss it with your DP and leave your mum out of it.

The safest thing, as a PP said, is for your partner to adopt him, if he has no contact at all with his bio father. Your ex would be visited and asked to give consent. If he refuses, the court might consider he’s withholding consent unreasonably and still grant the adoption .

You marrying your Dp doesn't give him parental rights over his step child.

The most important thing is the welfare of your child throughout his life, and not the feelings of any of the adults involved. Is your partner 100% committed to bringing up both children as a single parent, should anything happen to you ?

I would have your partner adopt your son. I think this is also good for their long term relationship as your ds gets older.

I would also say that your mum sounds pretty toxic and that your relationship with her does not sound very healthy.

Just to be clear as well, my DS's bio dad was never put on the birth certificate and has no parental rights.

Just to be clear as well, my DS's bio dad was never put on the birth certificate and has no parental rights.

But neither does your DP. You need to get your DS protected in the event that something happens to you in the future.

Get married and have him adopt your son, seems the most logical thing to do.

Your DP can apply for PR through the courts, OP.
I would marry at some point.

I must say I was confused by your letter.
Your DD would stay with your DP. I am not sure why there seems to be any confusion or you seem to infer that you could make any other alternative arrangement for her.
Your DS is more questionable and taking into account your DM's attitude it would cause problems if you don't lock it down now. I think you should move towards making him the legal Guardian, if you want the kids to stay together/ your DS to be brought up by DP.

Why the fuck does your mum think she'd get either of the kids over their actual fathers?

You need to take steps to have your dp gain parental rights for your ds. This will inevitably involve trying to track down his biological father who will have some say (despite not being on birth cert, they don't just hand over parental rights or adoption).

Your mum is being v unreasonable but you do need to do this right if you want your dcs to stay together - if your mum fights for residency (in the absence of bio dad stepping up) she may have a case over your dp.

Thanks everyone.

Just further clarities:

1. I never thought DM would be able to have DD over her DP, which is what I explained to her as it was a ridiculous suggestion and something I'd never consider if it was a choice anyway.

2. If I even said I would rather DP to have them (with nothing in writing or anything), she'd never fight against my wishes, she'd just be in a bit of a mood if she didn't agree.

And also...

3. WOULD my son's bio dad need permission for adoption? He's not on birth certificate, has zero parental rights, and has been convicted of multiple emotional abuse/harassment stuff towards me.

Your mother wouldn’t have your daughter anyway, that’s not how it works. You can’t just write in your will who your children will go too, they’re not a piece of furniture or a necklace. Your partner could adopt your son, otherwise your partner and mother would battle it out in court if they both wanted him. Regardless of what it states in your will.

@ABucketOfShells completely get that. but I also know neither of them would be battling it out in court. whatever my wishes were would be respected, that's why I'm trying to figure out what to do.

How old is your mum? She can’t cope with the kids now, how will she manage a 16 year old? Anyway you can ignore her, and follow suggestions to have your DP adopt your son.

Just seen your update. Check with your local authority. However, because his father doesn’t have potential responsibility, I’m confident you won’t need his permission. My understanding is when one parent is not involved or has parental responsibility, it’s a relatively uncomplicated issue to adopt a step child.
I would want to keep the siblings together, as long as you trust your partner to take care of him as if he was his own.

And doesn’t have parental responsibility that should be