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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you tell your partner if they buy you something you don’t like?

67 replies

Avelosa · 12/05/2020 11:04

It’s my birthday coming up soon. While we aren’t rolling in money, we do get by okay and have enough to buy some things we want if we want them. For birthday we both send each other links to various different things that we know we want/would use. The other one picks things so we don’t actually know what we’re getting until the day. A bit boring but it works for us as I would much rather buy/be bought something that I know will be loved and get a lot of use. I sent about 12 different options of things I specifically wanted from a site I always use, including a few pairs of shoes

DP didn’t realise he had ordered logged into my account, so I’ve seen what he’s ordered. I know he has tried to be nice, but what he’s chosen is not something I would ever wear. Think the same colour as a specific pair of shoes I linked to but a totally different style, and they are just not me at all. They’re also quite expensive, so I know it’s a waste of money especially as he has no work and no income currently due to lockdown. I know I should tell him but I feel like such a horrible person and so ungrateful!

Do you tell them or do you just suck it up and try to like what they get you as they’ve tried to surprise you?

OP posts:
NoMorePoliticsPlease · 12/05/2020 11:07

I would never want my OH to buy shoes or clothes. I would never send him a link or wish list

RedskyAtnight · 12/05/2020 11:09

Yes I would say I didn't like it. But DH knows not to buy me anything expensive without running it past me first anyway ... I'm far too hard to please!

TurkeyBasterHopeItWorks · 12/05/2020 11:10

I think it's best to tactfully say thank you for being thoughtful but is it okay if I exchange them for a different type.
I would say nicely to my DH, usually in a jokey way and he doesn't take offence. But then my DH has only surprised me with a gift a handful of times so that's a whole other story!

Original poster
Avelosa · 12/05/2020 11:12

@nomorepoliticsplease wow thank you for such a helpful replyHmm as clearly stated in the post that is what works for us

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Original poster
Avelosa · 12/05/2020 11:14

@RedskyAtnight @TurkeyBasterHopeItWorks yes I think I will have to tactfully say something, but it just feels a bit mean. I’m hard to please too and so is he which is why this usually works, no idea why he decided to go off on his own this time

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zigzagbetty · 12/05/2020 11:17

I would just say they dont fit and swap!
I tell my OH if I dont like pressies but I am notoriously hard to buy for so I think he expects it. He got me a handbag once half price in the sales at debenhams and we returned it after christmas and got a credit note for the full price! I still tell him that was my best present ever!!

onemorepringle · 12/05/2020 11:18

Yes I would in that sort of situation!

I don’t say if it’s a small thing but when it’s a significant gift I would rather have something I’ll actually want to use.

Original poster
Avelosa · 12/05/2020 11:19

@zigzagbetty I was thinking that but then what if he expects me to swap them for the same ones but a different size?Grin

That is definitely a good present!

OP posts:
growinganotherhead · 12/05/2020 11:21

Yes I would and have Grin But maybe you could just tell your partner you have seen what he ordered and say that wasn't the style you wanted so would he mind if you order the ones you do like and just return his?

redwoodmazza · 12/05/2020 11:22

Ask him who he has bought them for from your account?

Wishandwonder · 12/05/2020 11:23

Tell him they don’t fit, Sit with him whilst ordering another pair and click through and show him the ones you like with a very over the top “aaah those are beautiful, I didn’t see them when I was on here before”. Hopefully he will say just order those then and he will think it’s his idea!

Oliphantitus · 12/05/2020 11:23

Yes I tell him. If it's shoes or clothes he will notice when you avoid wearing them!

greythrow · 12/05/2020 11:24

Yep I'd always tell him and vice versa. We are both of the mindset that we'd rather avoid the waste. I can't bear waste, and if I don't like it, then it just won't be used. I know he wouldn't be offended and neither would I.

Ginisatonic · 12/05/2020 11:30

Yes I’d tell him.
You can always tell him the style doesn’t really suit your feet and so they are not comfortable.

Viletta · 12/05/2020 11:32

It's very tricky.. I always suck it up and appreciate the gesture.

penguinsbegin · 12/05/2020 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord · 12/05/2020 11:39

Have you got time to cancel the order and reorder the ones you’d like? Would he notice if a different style arrived to what he’d ordered?

Original poster
Avelosa · 12/05/2020 11:42

@ickyisafuckingstupidword I think he would notice as the ones I like were own brand if that makes sense but the ones he ordered are designer and look very different so I’m sure he would probably be able to tell

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Original poster
Avelosa · 12/05/2020 11:42

@Wishandwonder I like that ideaGrin

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Original poster
Avelosa · 12/05/2020 11:43

@greythrow @penguinsbegin I’m exactly the same, I know they would just be sat there never being worn and just wasted when he could have a refund and re-order something I would use. But it just seems mean! Think I will have to get over it and tell him in a nice way

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TLEmR · 12/05/2020 11:45

I’d always say, in the beginning of our relationship (now, we’ve been married for 10 years) I used pretend I liked something and then never used it. I had to tell him at some point and yes I felt very bad because it happened a couple of times but guess what? Now he pays extra attention to things I say that I like and he actually surprises me every time.

BarbaraofSeville · 12/05/2020 11:49

What's the point of sending each other lists if you don't actually stick to the list?

Sending lists is pointless because the main point of presents is to put some thought and effort into it, and if you don't want to spend significant amounts of money you just agree a very small budget even if it is only £5 or whatever.

But just sending a list of links to choose from just turns the whole exercise into a charade for the sake of it. Fine if it works for you, but not if you don't actually choose something off the list.

Send the horrible shoes back and suggest that he goes and buys you a bottle of wine or other little instead.

Curiosity101 · 12/05/2020 11:50

@Avelosa Could you tell him they're uncomfortable? Not that they're too big/too small. Just that they're "Really lovely but unfortunately just don't fit quite right." Then ask if it'd be ok if you tried exchanging them for a different style because you don't want him to have wasted his money?

To me, a little white lie would be better than wasting money.

Original poster
Avelosa · 12/05/2020 11:52

@BarbaraofSeville as I already clearly explained in the op, that is what works for us and has done in previous years. I would much rather have something that I will want/use than something he bought for the sake of it. Not sure what’s so hard to understand about that. This is the first time that he’s done something else.

OP posts:
Hill1991 · 12/05/2020 11:54

Me and my DP have always been honest mainly because my face says it allGrinnever been any good at hiding my emotions

Even when we got engaged the ring he brought Didn't like they style was not me and didn't suit me at all so told him and we went and brought one together

I would say just tell him that you like the colour but the style is not your style