Ex wants me to tell our kids they are going to be big brothers? I have said no

[Toomanyapplesinabarrelofgrapes]

Cut a long story short I have 2 children with my ex. Tonight he has emailed me to ask me to tell my sons that they are going to be big brothers come september. Aibu to say no to his request.
My children havent spent the night at his house for over a year( he lives 10 min up the road)
He visits the children for a couple of hours at his parents house (when they go once every 8 weeks or so)
He failed to attended mediation, hasnt set up an agreement and said if he doesnt get what he wants then he will carry on visiting them at his parents. My eldest needs structure, is unable to positively handle emotion and can act violently. Uncertainty is a big trigger so I have been keen to develop some structure. Ex said workers one in every 3 weeks yet wanted the kids end of every month. I asked what would happen when that matched working schedule and asked to discuss further he said if he didnt get it his way then he would carry on visiting his parents. I advised him to try mediation or to send a 6 month calendar so we can plan . Nothing came of it.
Now this.
My first instinct is to not tell the children surly it's not my place?

I actually agree with Heartlake, if you tell them then you can control the narrative. Don't refer to this baby as their little brother as it implies a relationship they're unlikely to have.

Agree with the wording she put, just say Dad's girlfriend is having another baby in passing, so they know but you haven't positioned it as something to get excited about and they'll take their cue from you. If their dad tells them he'll try and sell it in as great news for them when the reality is that he'll be even less bothered about them than he is now.

I’m a little of a control freak so I’d want to tell them to be able to control the message and make sure I made them comfortable and happy for their sake.

You have to do what’s right for you, but for me it would be either I tell them or we tell them together as it would be vital for me they understood and were happy about it, and that they saw me as involved and caring for them.

I think you need to try to distance yourself from the hurt you feel over his behaviour and in this instance put your children first. It’s shit you have to because their father is a shite dad, but you need to work with the situation you have.

If you’re comfortable he can do it and leave them happy with the message, and that they won’t question if you knew or why you didn’t say anything then let him do it. If you think there is a risk, put them first and either you do it or do it together.

Don't refer to this baby as their little brother as it implies a relationship they're unlikely to have.

I’d not do this, as it is their half brother and their father will refer to the child as such. In addition don’t just mention it in passing, this is big for children, it deserves attention for their sake. Mentioning it in passing will do no more than confuse them.

My first instinct would be to take nothing ti do with it and let him tell your dc but on rethinking you need to ask yourself would your wording of it be gentler to your children than your ex's. How you hear something for the first time can have a lasting impact, you could perhaps play the situation down were it sounds like your ex would be doing the opposite..good luck

Ultimately it’s his responsibility. But they might feel happier with it coming from you as you are the reassuring and comforting influence in their lives.
You don’t have to go in to any great detail. But at least they will know.

You can't let them find out nearer the time. If he won't, you'll have to.

Crap situation for you! It should be his job to tell them but if you tell them you will be able to control how they hear the news and you can be sensitive in how you do it.

I agree it's his responsíbility, but is he likely to say nothing & just let them notice that his gf is pregnant?

If it would be better coming from you then I would just say that he has asked you to tell them that....

I have read all of your posts and thank you for them. I have considered your opinions and I still feel that telling them will rock their boat. My sons are 7 and 5 soon to be 8 and 6, of course they will find out one day that they have a brother, I'm not sure burdening them with the news now will achieve anything positive. It has taken me since early February to get my eldest settled. I still feel it is not my place to tell them, they dont even know he has a girlfriend and she lives with him. I know I could potentially answer the questions posed but that is not my conversation to have with them . I am well aware that farming is a 24/7 job having lived on the farm with him for a number years but having also had that experience I am also well aware there was ample opportunity to involve the kids during that time.

I think it's his news to give them in person.

Not because he's an ex, not because he's a twat or because it should be kept secret to avoid upsetting them, but because it's his good news (which it is for him), not yours.

He sounds like an idiot and you have my sympathy. His children (including the unborn one) also have my sympathy.

Still, your boys are going to have a half sibling. There's a chance they could develop a bond with this child that's better than the one with their father.

How do you think they'll feel if you keep it a secret and let them find out accidentally?

You are their safe, secure person. That means that you are the best person to explain this to them.

I wouldn't tell them yet. It's up to ex to tell them. Tell him that he needs to tell them the next time he sees them.
You'll still have to deal with the emotional fallout but he is their Dad and it's his baby and he should be sharing this news with them.
He sounds like a useless piece of shit though so I doubt he will tell them.

If he hasn't told them by the middle or end of August I would tell them as they should know that they are going to have a baby brother.

I still feel it is not my place to tell them, they dont even know he has a girlfriend and she lives with him

I agree op.
This is exactly why I wouldn't tell them.
It's too much information for you to pass on,.. they may wonder why you know all of this and they don't.

It's a lot to take in for young children.
He has to do this.

Obviously if it comes to the time and baby is born and he still hasn't said anything, it may be time to tell them yourself but this is not somthing you need to bring up now.
The children are still quite young.

There is never going to be a good time to tell them op. And I get that you want to protect your kids... But would you rather let your ex tell your kids the news or you? It should be coming from you. Imagine if they will ask 'mum did you know this already? How long have you know' etc.

There will never be a good time to tell. So do it like ripping a bandaid off. Keep the 'upperhand' and tell them. Protect them by telling them. Maybe start by telling them that their 'dad' is seeing someone else first

But once again, if you don't say anything, imagine your kids at their grandparents house with their 'dad' and They spring it on them
Out of the blue with no warning. And you might not be there. Then what

Protect them. By being honest!
Or it might backfire.

He sounds a twat- but you’re being difficult just tell them. It’s better it comes from you in a gentle way than being the last to know.

My ex was pretty useless as a dad and slowly absented himself from dds life. I think that's one thing we did handle really well and she is very well adjusted in terms of not being interested in him but also not upset or sad.

I always started with some people are just not very good at being parents. He really wanted to try but then it was just too hard. So it's good I'm amazing, right? 😂

In your shoes I would have said ' so your dad has asked me to tell you his girlfriend is having a baby. I've asked him to tell you more when you see him next, but I don't really know anything else.'

Then I would deal with questions as they came up.