Ex wants me to tell our kids they are going to be big brothers? I have said no

[Toomanyapplesinabarrelofgrapes]

Cut a long story short I have 2 children with my ex. Tonight he has emailed me to ask me to tell my sons that they are going to be big brothers come september. Aibu to say no to his request.
My children havent spent the night at his house for over a year( he lives 10 min up the road)
He visits the children for a couple of hours at his parents house (when they go once every 8 weeks or so)
He failed to attended mediation, hasnt set up an agreement and said if he doesnt get what he wants then he will carry on visiting them at his parents. My eldest needs structure, is unable to positively handle emotion and can act violently. Uncertainty is a big trigger so I have been keen to develop some structure. Ex said workers one in every 3 weeks yet wanted the kids end of every month. I asked what would happen when that matched working schedule and asked to discuss further he said if he didnt get it his way then he would carry on visiting his parents. I advised him to try mediation or to send a 6 month calendar so we can plan . Nothing came of it.
Now this.
My first instinct is to not tell the children surly it's not my place?

I wouldn't tell them.
They will ask questions that you will be unable to answer.
It doesn't matter if they have to wait to find out, they need to hear it from their sperm donor so that they can ask HIM the questions.

But you do need to be on hand when they have that discussion because they will doubtless feel very upset and betrayed by him. He's such a shit father to them, why would he want to have any more children?

"I've heard your dad and x are having a baby around the end of September. I don't know much more than that. You don't see dad very often anyway so I don't think it will make much difference to our lives. Any questions let me know. Now shall we have a look at your maths homework?"

He's done you a favour.
You're in control.
Just state the facts... Give your DC time to process.
Don't bring emotion or imagined relationships into it.
Carry on as normal.

Sorry that you're going through this

Christ he’s a total loser isn’t he??? I take my hat off to you OP, training to be a nurse and bringing up two kids completely on your own, you are a superstar!!
Cut him out of your lives completely. No dad is better than a disinterested heartless one. I wouldn’t ever mention him again.

“Sorry, I’d tell them”

It’s rubbish and not your place but they’ll find out eventually and at least this way you’d be in control of how it’s broken to them, particularly if your child(ren) have emotional issues.”

I agree with this. I’d tell them, and then you can handle their reactions and questions. Depending on their age, maybe not now, but nearer the event.

From what you've said they aren't going to be "big brothers". Their dad is going to have another child.

"Big brother/sister" implies a relationship, some element of shared parenting experiences. Your children have a fantastic mother. This baby will have its own two parents. There will be some shared DNA, but with no shared life it's almost irrelevant.

I would tell them their dad is having another child (closer to the time) though. It gives you more control over the situation, otherwise I think he might fill them with false hope and promises then abandon them in favour of his new family.

I think i'd tell them - be there to cushion the news but as a PP says I'd quietly prepare them for the fact that their father will never be reliable and it's his problem, not their fault, so that they don't see the fact for themselves and blame themselves.

And stop chasing him. you can't -make- him have a relationship and as for bullshit blaming you, it's something you can laugh about. This is his behaviour not yours.

Could you find some films that have second families in them.
Gently sort of notice that when parents split often new babies come along.
Do not mention the baby, but help your children see it happens.
So when they do find out you can help them through this

Tell him to write a letter to them which you will read. Then say you will send him any questions they have for him to answer.

What @Yeahnahmum and @Heartlake said. Tell them but very matter of fact and not using words like baby brother- but your dad and his girlfriend are going to have a baby in September.
Yes they may well have questions but I think being the one to tell them and NOT make false promises etc and to be able to empathise if they say things like “that’s not fair” is important too. You’re their safe place and you will handle this better than their waste of oxygen “father”. Realistically it won’t impact their lives hugely as they don’t really see their dad as it is...and will likely see him less after a baby arrives. Might be wrong... but I doubt it.

Honestly, I would rather tell them myself in a sympathetic way and manage the emotion that may come from it rather than giving him the opportunity of making a whole mess of it and hurt them even more.

If their father saw them regularly, I’d agree with you that he should tell them. But he hardly ever sees them and is too unreliable to set up a video chat. There is no point getting into a power/control fire fight over this.

So I would just tell the children myself if I were you. They have a right to know about any half-siblings out there. You can probably answer most questions.

September is a long way off. I would do nothing at all. Keeping things calm in your household has to be your priority. Life is tough enough right now

I would take control of this manage their expectations, otherwise he will sell it to them as some kind of exciting 'big brother' thing and it's not that at all. I would say what heartlake and others have said. Their father's girlfriend is expecting a baby in September. Then, if he does decide to go all dramatic on it, they already know. Obviously you don't want them getting pulled into ideas of being brothers because in real life that won't be the case.

Sperm donor donates more sperm 👏🏻

Not news I’d be particularly happy to share with my kids. Sorry their “father” is such a scumbag, all kids deserve so much better than him.

I think you should be the one to tell them. Surely coming from you will cause the least upset. This isn't about scoring points it's about minimising the hurt to your kids. You're best placed to do that. Tell them.

You sound like you’re doing an amazing job of raising your dc. I think you should do whatever you’re s best for your dc with regards to telling them about their dads baby. If you think they can cope hearing from him then leave it to him to tell, but if you think they’ll cope better hearing from you, then do that. It sounds like you always put your dc feeling first.

I’d tell them. That way you are in control of what they’re told- it’s better coming from you
I’d just say ‘X is having a baby in September. Now What’s for tea/ have you done your homework’
Also if the kids ask questions It’s ok to say you don’t know
I’d tell them now That way by the time September comes its old news for them

@Toomanyapplesinabarrelofgrapes Totally understand where you come from and I would feel the same. Is there anyway to potentially set up a video chat or set up a meeting in person where he can share the news himself with you there to support your boys? they will find out at some point but it needs to be before they find out some other way and he should be the one to break the news to them

Email him back and advise him that as the baby isnt due soon he can tell his DC himself when he next sees them

I might tell them myself in a matter of fact way that the person their dad is now with is having a baby. I wouldn't encourage them at the moment to think of it as a brother or sister if they are hardly going to see this child.

They don't have a 'baby brother' on the way.

I wouldn't even see this as him necessarily becoming a father again and 'having another baby' - when a person who's shown themselves to consider parenting their kids to be optional, it's hard to see them sperm-donoring again as particularly significant. Presumably he will be a 'father' to this one up until the point he and his partner split up too - ie not really a father at all. Shrug, then.

If you want to, you could inform him closer to the time that your children know that their father's partner is having a baby. If he starts up again with his stupid, inappropriate mawkish big brothers nonsense you can tell him that when the parent in common doesn't parent, then there isn't a sibling relationship to celebrate, is there?

Easy . Tell them.

And let them know you were the one who felt it important they understand they have a baby sibling coming who they might even have a nice relationship with.

If you won't tell them and he won't tell them, when they eventually do find out, how do you think they will react to knowing you both concealed their siblings existence from them?

Wouldn't you rather be the good parent?

(Or do you and your ex actually prefer to fuel your mutual animosity?)

Depends on their age. If they are siblings I think they have a right to know. Regardless of any issues you have with your ex the children are innocent and can’t help who their father is.

@Heartlake is right I think. It's not your responsibility and he should tell them. BUT... clearly he isn't going to and if he does, he'll make a hash of it. If you tell them, you can control the message and help them to feel less overwhelmed by the whole thing. Breezy, minimal information and suggest they chat to their father when they next see/speak to him.

He's putting it on you which isn't fair. But it would be even more unfair for this to come as a complete shock to your DC when they finally see their Dad again in due course.

@FizzyGreenWater at the end of the day though they are half siblings and it could be a wonderful relationship. Even that aside if one of my parents had a child and I found out from anyone but them I would be beyond hurt and especially at that age be confused to why no one told me etc