Ex wants me to tell our kids they are going to be big brothers? I have said no

[Toomanyapplesinabarrelofgrapes]

Cut a long story short I have 2 children with my ex. Tonight he has emailed me to ask me to tell my sons that they are going to be big brothers come september. Aibu to say no to his request.
My children havent spent the night at his house for over a year( he lives 10 min up the road)
He visits the children for a couple of hours at his parents house (when they go once every 8 weeks or so)
He failed to attended mediation, hasnt set up an agreement and said if he doesnt get what he wants then he will carry on visiting them at his parents. My eldest needs structure, is unable to positively handle emotion and can act violently. Uncertainty is a big trigger so I have been keen to develop some structure. Ex said workers one in every 3 weeks yet wanted the kids end of every month. I asked what would happen when that matched working schedule and asked to discuss further he said if he didnt get it his way then he would carry on visiting his parents. I advised him to try mediation or to send a 6 month calendar so we can plan . Nothing came of it.
Now this.
My first instinct is to not tell the children surly it's not my place?

He's blocked your number? What a man.
Sorry he's so shit op.

He wasnt like this until he met his new gf. He ended our relationship, I was pregnant and content (miscarried).

Sorry for your loss op. You've been through a lot.
You sound like a fantastic mother, hopefully he gets his act together and starts being more involved with the children.

Just do whatever feels right for you here.
If you want to tell them, do.
If you don't, then don't.
It's not all on you.

In blocking you, he has told you who he is. I wouldn’t want my dcs to go to anyone, who was so unconcerned about his dcs that he couldn’t be contacted in an emergency. As for their sibling, I would tell them yourself when the baby has been born. Not because it is your job. But for their emotional well-being. It is ok not be able to answer all of their questions. They will possibly feel betrayed if you keep this from them. Sorry, what an arsehole.

Cross post.

It's better they find out from you first and then have some time and space to process the information and their feelings about it. In your position, I would prefer to know and break it to them myself.

You don't say how recent the split is but whatever, expecting you to tell them they're to be big brothers when you didn't get this with your own baby is wicked cruel. Sod that. Just no.

I think this is a time to potentially initiate some stability in their lives ie, say 'yes okay along as we can formalise a weekly visitation agreement and see how he sticks to that , or realise for your sons he may visit for first few months then distance them, and after like so many people I know and distance him for their mental well-being x

It has been just over 2.5 years since the split I had to move and start from scratch because he got the house with his job. For the first year we would have tea together, he would have kids whenever, they would what's app call, spent kids birthdays on days out etc. I started my nursing and found he met someone else she is 16 years younger than himself, then he started refusing to have the kids, an attempt was made to make it clear when he would have yhem but my eldest would make a fuss and not want to go so he would leave them with me. He didnt know what he was doing on christmas etc so declined to have them on the night. He also started to refuse to have them on weekends. Then it was lambing time and he put his job first. An attempt was made to.make it every other weekend he came once took them.for the night 1 year ago and that was the last time the slept, when he should have turned up 2 weeks later he didnt , wanting them the week after he was told no due to me making plans with my dad who was visiting from london as it was my weekend. He then was expected the following weekend. I asked for months for a set pattern , offered nights for facetime etc but had been ignored.

Don't tell them they are going to be 'big brothers'. Or that they will have a 'baby brother/sister' on the way.

Tell them that insert name ex is having baby.
Leave it at that.

This man doesn't deserve the title dad. Nor the pleasure of saying those things. He chose us own path. And the way he went about it. Now you stay strong and just tell your kids just that. No cutesy big brother stuff. Just plain right truth

These attempts have been made many times mediation, calender schedules, he actually got angry with me because I suggested him having the children 2 times a week. He works 8-5 and stated because he works that was why he couldnt dnt have the kids and I knew that so I was being awful and preventing them having a relationship with their dad. I just started that the school has before and after school club care and he was able to utilise that just like I have too.

Of course he makes it out that you are preventing his contact with the children, that way he looks good with everyone around him. Been there, bought the T-shirt.

My ex was unreliable with everyone, so I sort of let my dd understand that from an early age, to try to lessen the blows from his empty promises. And it did help.

Maybe if he is such a crap parent it is good that you have a role in how this information is given to them. You can think of how best to tell them and give them space for their questions/feelings. You don't need to have the answers. You are going to know them better than he does and know what might matter most to each of them and be able to help them understand how they feel.
Also helpful I think to have someone to share your own feelings with so that you are more able to give your children what they need.

I’d tell them there father was having another child. Why not? I think it’s important that they know you are always honest with them and that it’s not some big secret or drama,

You don’t have to explain or answer questions, If you don’t know the answer, just say that. Although I might be tempted to point out the age gap as I’m guessing she is likely to be prime child bearing age.

Then it was lambing time and he put his job first. Thats farming. There’s no shifts. You have to be available 24 hours.
I get he’s disinterested for whatever reason. It’s much easier if no one expects anything which I see you are kind of doing.Sorry it’s so difficult for all especially now.

Op September is months away. I probably would tell them but I'd wait until August.

Its not like they see their Dad or partner to actually notice. And kids have enough to put up with just now without adding to it.

Sorry but I’d tell them.

It’s rubbish and not your place but they’ll find out eventually and at least this way you’d be in control of how it’s broken to them, particularly if your child(ren) have emotional issues.

I would also tell them in August if he hasn't (obviously don't tell him that now). He probably knows they are likely to react negatively, so he is trying to force you to deal with that along with anyone else.

I will never understand why people would have children with someone who has abandoned their kids once.

I’m really torn on this one

On one side I think it’s better coming from you as you care about them and will no doubt handle it much better
On the other hand he sounds like the kind of guy who will disappear from their lives completely once the new baby arrives so what’s the point in telling them.

Maybe wait and see how the next few months go and make a decision then. It might also be worth thinking about outside support eg counselling and organising that first
Best wishes

I would tell my 11 yo son myself (similar difficult relationship with ex/Father).
I'm the one dealing with the heartache, emotional issues and fall out DS feels about his Dad so I would also want to handle this one.

But as PP have said, I would absolutely not make it anything to do with them.

"Your Father and his partner are having a baby in Sept"

I see one child is 7, how old is the other. If they are both primary then they'll probably not be that interested, especially if it's not due until Sept.

It is a long time until September (and it will feel even longer than normal this year!), there is no need to decide to tell them yet, you have enough on your plate and it sounds like their reaction is not easy to predict.

You can tell them in a matter of fact way, his approach may well be more emotional especially with the big brothers comment. To be excited to be a big brothers there is an assumption that they will be invited into your exes life. I would rather my children know the new partner is having a baby so technically they will have a half brother.

It’s a no from me.
His news. He can tell them when he next sees them.
It’s not like it’s going to happen next week. There’s time.

It’s his new baby so he needs to be the one to tell them imo. If your eldest is already struggling right now and you’re struggling because he is, I think it’s totally understandable to focus on what your family need to do to get by- so not risking making things worse for you all.

As an aside, your ex sounds like a selfish sack of shit. More fool the woman who’s having this baby with him and good luck to her.

How involved is he going to be with this new baby? Does he live with his partner? Is she long term? Or is he going to treat her and the child the same way he's treated you? I think I'd keep it light - "Dad's partner is having a baby in September". No reference to "you'll be brothers" or anything until you know if there will actually be a relationship.