found DP has been cheating

[inshocks]

Hi all, posting for traffic.

Please help me - I am somewhat calm but also in shock and don't know what to do.

DP and I just bought a house together and we are engaged.
A year ago I found DP had been on a chat website and whilst upset, I thought I'd found his account and it wasn't sinister and the website is a place to be anonymous and just get things off your chest. We had relationship troubles so thinking that we could move past this and he would stop, we carried on.

Today I found the app being used on his phone. He was doing it through a sneaky way following a big argument.

He has admitted some of the truth - he has been speaking to girls, he has sent them pictures of himself, some he has told his real name some he hasn't. They don't know his surname, some are married, they sext etc.

I know this means that we should breakup, but I just feel so confused. We had a lot of problems so part of me understands using it as an escape but the lies when we were meant to move past it show he's selfish and a prick.

I want to find his account to know the real truth. He doesn't have a secret phone otherwise he'd have been using that surely? I've tried forgot password and it's not connected to any of his known email addresses or phone numbers.
I am going crazy.

I really need some support.

We have two dogs and a house, everything else is separate. We couldn't see the house with what is going on.

It’s ok if you decide to separate and still need to live together. Not ideal but doable.i did it years ago with my first parter and we ended up both meeting new people while doing so and remained friends.

With my husband, we had a couple of separations over the years (after issues like you) where he moved into the spare room and refused to leave. Subsequently he was incredibly nice to me and supportive and we ended up reconciling. We had DS so it was harder. Last time was an actual affair which for me was the last straw. When I refused to allow him to have his cake and eat it he did move out.

I know it is difficult during lock down but if you can find a place to go I think you are allowed to move. You can’t actually make him leave though until the property is sold unless he is abusive.

thanks for the messages - it wasn't any of those sites.
The website can be used innocently, it's a bit lame, it's actually a bit like mumsnet (not saying MN is lame!! it's not!) so people post in a forum, it's people talking about politics, people talking about other countries, relationship problems, coming out as gay, then there's also more sexual fantasies.

A part of me does understand it isn't real. He lied about everything on there, his age, his name, he refused to give out his phone number etc.The redemption is that I am and always have been fairly certain he hasn't physically cheated and that's just because he likes to keep up appearances in real life and has never left me guessing where he is. I knew all along something was sketchy on his phone. I think the first time i found out I dismissed it and didn't really care about it. It didn't quite upset me, it was weird. I almost understood? I would liken it to an escape.
However, he has got sneakier now and it's only because iOS updated and it changed how it displays your activity which is how I found out. He has volunteered too many details now, the truth is almost overwhelming but it is SUCH a relief as it is all things I couldn't quite understand why but that now make sense. I finally feel like I know what's going on.

I am 99.9% sure I will end the relationship - I've actually already said it's over. I've also ended the engagement and returned the ring. I have no where else to go as my parents are high risk. So at the moment, we've discussed being amicable.

I've said whilst we are living together he needs to prove himself to me out of respect and I am going to see what happens. I've also said we need to go to counselling - this is more so that I can process it all and so he can too, I think we can't sell for at least a year so it will allow us to sort things out before we do finally end.

The sexting would've ended it for me, not this. You've said he is just talking about day to day topics and a bit about your relationship anonymously, much as you're doing on here. However he hides things and that would also be a no for me. Does he know you've a MN account?

You sound very sensible and sorted inshocks.

Good luck to you.

From life-experience: you might patch things up and have a few good years, but a man who sexts and flirts on-line during an engagement will be a terrible long-term husband.

He'll be more careful to hide his tracks in future. I pity the next woman who thinks he's a "catch" and marries him.
You're lucky that you found out when you did. Don't waste more years of your life on him.
There are much better men. Really!

I don't think you are ready yet to begin to separate and I wish you had somewhere else to live as I fear you are going to end up back together because he will be there!

FredaNerkk is absolutely right
once a cheater always a cheater i guess?
How can you be confident in him in the future?
There should be a serious talk, and not just one