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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

found DP has been cheating

82 replies

inshocks · 11/05/2020 15:09

Hi all, posting for traffic.

Please help me - I am somewhat calm but also in shock and don't know what to do.

DP and I just bought a house together and we are engaged.
A year ago I found DP had been on a chat website and whilst upset, I thought I'd found his account and it wasn't sinister and the website is a place to be anonymous and just get things off your chest. We had relationship troubles so thinking that we could move past this and he would stop, we carried on.

Today I found the app being used on his phone. He was doing it through a sneaky way following a big argument.

He has admitted some of the truth - he has been speaking to girls, he has sent them pictures of himself, some he has told his real name some he hasn't. They don't know his surname, some are married, they sext etc.

I know this means that we should breakup, but I just feel so confused. We had a lot of problems so part of me understands using it as an escape but the lies when we were meant to move past it show he's selfish and a prick.

I want to find his account to know the real truth. He doesn't have a secret phone otherwise he'd have been using that surely? I've tried forgot password and it's not connected to any of his known email addresses or phone numbers.
I am going crazy.

I really need some support.

We have two dogs and a house, everything else is separate. We couldn't see the house with what is going on.

OP posts:

gingersausage · 11/05/2020 16:46

Ok, so even if you set aside what he’s been doing (which you seem to want to be able to rationalise) you’ve said yourself that you’ve had a lot of problems and relationship troubles.

Being engaged should be fun and carefree, a time to get to know each other and enjoy each other’s company while planning your wedding and anticipating the rest of your lives together. It really shouldn’t be a series of arguments, rows and issues. If your engagement is like this, then surely you can see it doesn’t bode well for your marriage?

Disentangle yourself before it goes any further, and you’re back here in 5 years time with no job, two kids and another on the way, stuck with a cheating scumbag because you can’t afford to get out.

newusername2009 · 11/05/2020 16:48

Please take it from someone who has been through this it is better to cut your losses now. 10 years down the road, married and with kids to think about it will be so much worse when you decide you can’t take it anymore.

The fact is that every time he logs on to that he is making a choice to disrespect you and clearly he continues. Every time you let him get away with it he will push a bit further the next time because he knows it wasn’t a deal breaker for you.

In some ways it can seem silly to break up over something that can seem like it’s not real but it will only get worse.

Original poster

inshocks · 11/05/2020 16:53

Hello, we've spoken.

I managed to find the account and it is definitely the right one.
I am not making any excuses at all here i'm just trying to get out my own thoughts...

I was surprised how little it affected me. For some reason the chats only go back a month or so but that could be a website feature. I will investigate.
I read the messages, they were boring. He talks about me. They ask about me too. He speaks about our relationship.
Thankfully I didn't see anything to make me be sick.

I have changed all the login details so he can't get back into it. He could obviously just set up a new account.

I'm going to talk to my mum when I've figured more out and get her help.

OP posts:

understandme · 11/05/2020 16:59

So you're ok about the sexting are you? Really? He may well halve spoken about you and they ask about you, but they are paid to give him sexual pleasure, albeit at the moment it's remotely.

You deserve much better than this, he's had a chance and blown it, he's now done it again.

Honestly, when this CV is over get some counselling and I'm sure you will have more confidence and self esteem to leave this abusive relationship?

Standrewsschool · 11/05/2020 17:00

A cheetah doesn’t change his spots..

Can you move to your mums? Or live in separate bedrooms, and just share kitchen area?

Original poster

inshocks · 11/05/2020 17:06

Oh no, not okay about the sexting, just didn't see it so I'm happy about that.

There is absolutely no monetary payment, it's not that type of site.
It's just people that want to sext - it's weird.

Nothing is forgiven and I will leave, I'm just relieved and it means I can be a bit calmer and careful in how i proceed

OP posts:

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 11/05/2020 17:07

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Having been given one second chance, any partner with an ounce of respect for you would be bending over backwards to prove themselves worthy of that chance and would not want to risk throwing that relationship away.

The revelation that he views sentient women as 'throwaway' - as though they're objects - tells me everything I'd need to know. To hell with trying to find 'evidence'. He's already shown you that and it couldn't be clearer if it had flashing red lights and bells on.

A third chance is nothing other than a green light to carry on in exactly the same way. You'll end up facing the same heartache, but if you cut to that part now you could save yourself 5 years of misery, paranoia and expenditure in the process.

You'll be back here. I'm sorry OP it sucks and this hurts. But I'd see nothing for it than to roll with it, do your grieving and get the pain out of your system. Future You will thank Previous You a million times over for this. And that's a given.

Notapheasantplucker · 11/05/2020 17:13

I completely agree with above poster. If you stay with him you will end up back on here saying that he's done it again, if not worse.

These kind of men will carry on cheating even if their life depends on it.

As other PP said, don't have children with this arsehole, it will make things a whole lot more complicated.

Cut ties as soon as you can and thank the heavens for a lucky escape.

JoysOfString · 11/05/2020 17:15

So sorry OP, how awful for you.

You said "We had relationship troubles" but that isn't an excuse for what he's been up to - if anything, if he valued the relationship, then he should be trying harder. These troubles may actually just be part of the whole picture which is that he isn't right for you / doesn't respect you, or maybe women in general.

You need to get rid - as others have said it will be 10x this nightmare if you stay and have kids. Useless/cheating men often get worse during pregnancy and after kids. If he's doing this now then cut your losses. I know it's hard.

Esspee · 11/05/2020 17:17

You are very lucky OP. You found out before you got married and had children.
Chin up, walk tall, and kick the scumbag out.

BubblyBarbara · 11/05/2020 17:20

I know I'm a bit older than most here but to be fair this does sound more like "fantasy and not real". It doesn't sound like the conversations were even that interesting. There are seedier sounding threads on MN.

But I'd still get rid of him because if he even talks to other women on the Internet it would be a no from me because he might then have sex with them in real life.

lowlandLucky · 11/05/2020 17:20

Sorry you are having to go throw this. Why do you need to torture yourdelf further by reading every message he has sent, it will only haunt you. You know what he has done is unacceptable and that he has proven himself to untrustworthy. Send him on his way now, life is too short to waste on someone that has no respect for you.

MinteeFresh · 11/05/2020 17:25

Which website/app was it OP? Was it a new email address?

Sorry your're going through this, it's horrible, I know x

ZaZathecat · 11/05/2020 17:30

I voted YABU, because YABU to dig any deeper. The relationship is not worth saving. His behaviour cannot be excused by a rough patch in your relationship - would you turn to sexting strangers if you wanted to improve your relationship with your partner? I think not.

Thelittleweasel · 11/05/2020 17:32

The great difficulty as I think you imply is that [particularly at present] there is no way [physically or legally] that you can "throw him out".

Certainly defer children and marriage if planned. My own feeling would be to get some counselling to get some honesty about the situation. There are people now doing it over the phone and by Zoom etc I am led to believe

Zaphodsotherhead · 11/05/2020 17:49

So this is what he does when the relationship gets a bit tricky? He finds women to sext and chat with?

Imagine what he will do when things get really rocky.

Sorry OP. I know it's hard, I know it's your life. But it really does sound as though things are going south. Hopefully you can get away and start a happier life with better relationships to come.

BarbedBloom · 11/05/2020 17:53

This was how it started with my ex. I forgave him, accepted his excuses and he carried on, just being more secretive. He escalated to two physical affairs that I know of, but suspect he also met ransoms for one offs. Now I have zero tolerance and will walk away at first sign. It just isn't worth either being cheated on again or constantly living on edge. I didn't like the jealous, suspicious person I became.

Friendsofmine · 11/05/2020 18:02

Best of luck OP.

Esther Perel and the Gottmans say that talking about your spouse and relationship is the first step towards a physical affair because it often leads to people turning to those listeners when they want "a shoulder to cry on".

I imagine it was KIK or SoCasual...both can be set to auto delete after set time frames.

sophiestew · 11/05/2020 18:02

I want to find his account to know the real truth

So sorry but you already know enough. This relationship is over and you deserve better

heron20 · 11/05/2020 18:11

OP - he is no good.

Make your arrangements to split now.

Don't waste one more second of your time thinking about this. He will not change. If he's already straying - even if it's 'just' online - then chances are at some point down the line he'll do it for real. In the meantime you are agonising about making the break and wondering what if...

Everyone on this post has said the same thing - take some advice from us.

OutOfHours · 11/05/2020 18:13

Probably all been deleted, thats why he wouldn't show you, so he had time to get rid of evidence.

You deserve better. You may not think it has bothered you now, but once the trust has been broken, its hard to repair and often a downward spiral.

Happymum12345 · 11/05/2020 18:15

Learning to trust someone after they have behaved like this is so very, very hard. I speak from experience.

Kraejka · 11/05/2020 18:20

I was surprised how little it affected me.
Probably because deep down you know he's a cheating scumbag and you're not surprised by what he has done and you know the relationship is over.
For some reason the chats only go back a month or so but that could be a website feature.
He will have deleted stuff.

Dump him. Do not marry him. Do not have children with him.
He is a cheat, a liar and he is sly.

GrandAltogetherSo · 11/05/2020 18:38

Firstly, Prioritise your financial situation with regards to the house.
You’ll probably spend the next 6-12 months swaying back and forth between wanting to forgive and forget and wanting to chuck him.

When he’s in a ‘please forgive me’ mood, get him to sign the house over to you. I did that with my ex when I had a moment of clarity about 6 months on. Ex initially moved out to live with a mutual friend but instead of doing what he could to salvage the relationship, he kept seeing the other woman as well as me. Our mutual friend kept me informed of what ex was up to, although ex was oblivious that I knew.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/05/2020 18:52

You do realize he's shown you only what he wants you to see, don't you?

I'm glad you're planning on leaving him. Can either of you afford to buy the other out of the house and make the mortgage payments/run the household on your own? If so, that would probably be the 'easiest' and quickest way out, but do it with an attorney to be sure it's done in an equitable fashion.

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