found DP has been cheating

[inshocks]

Hi all, posting for traffic.

Please help me - I am somewhat calm but also in shock and don't know what to do.

DP and I just bought a house together and we are engaged.
A year ago I found DP had been on a chat website and whilst upset, I thought I'd found his account and it wasn't sinister and the website is a place to be anonymous and just get things off your chest. We had relationship troubles so thinking that we could move past this and he would stop, we carried on.

Today I found the app being used on his phone. He was doing it through a sneaky way following a big argument.

He has admitted some of the truth - he has been speaking to girls, he has sent them pictures of himself, some he has told his real name some he hasn't. They don't know his surname, some are married, they sext etc.

I know this means that we should breakup, but I just feel so confused. We had a lot of problems so part of me understands using it as an escape but the lies when we were meant to move past it show he's selfish and a prick.

I want to find his account to know the real truth. He doesn't have a secret phone otherwise he'd have been using that surely? I've tried forgot password and it's not connected to any of his known email addresses or phone numbers.
I am going crazy.

I really need some support.

We have two dogs and a house, everything else is separate. We couldn't see the house with what is going on.

[Mix56]

This is a lucky escape. Bin this shallow arse hole.
You are not enmeshed in marriage. clearly it is pointless to start your life with a cheating, untrustworthy Tosser.

[IWillNotNameTheTree]

He will have told you the bare minimum.

Leave now. Do not waste the next ten years of your life with this man, and definitely do not add children to the mix. You’ve dodged a bullet here.

[sanam2019]

glad you found out. You are very lucky in the sense that you don't have children yet and it's not like this happened after 10 or 20 years of marriage. He is cheating and lying even before you are married. Get out now, it will have to happen anyway, the earlier the better. you deserve much better.

[Hidingtonothing]

The logistics of it will be tricky, especially with lockdown, but it would be over for me and I'd be making plans to split. That might involve sharing the house whilst separated for a while but you will find a route through it in the end, same with the dogs. Logistics are never a reason to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy any longer than you absolutely have to and you're never going to be happy with a man you can't trust.

Give yourself time to get your head round everything, there's no rush to actually do anything but I would insist he moves to the spare room/sofa so you have space to think through how you want things to happen.

It's all well and good acknowledging that you and he were having problems and partly understanding why he's done this but was sexting other women really the only/best way for him to deal with the problems? And what happens next time things aren't 100% smooth between you, will cheating be his solution then too? I know it's hard when the future you thought you would have is disappearing before your eyes but there will be something better out there for you than a future with someone you can't trust

[FredaNerkk]

Definitely split. No ifs or buts. Run, run, run.....

Live under the same roof if you have to. But sell and move as soon as you can

(You are lucky to avoid co-parenting.)

[CaptainBlunderpants]

He’s showing you who he is. Divorce is expensive and more difficult with children, just think about it.

[chunkyriverfish]

Re the house, in the future could you rent out a room to a lodger allowing you to stay in the house if this is want you want?

You deserve better than this, this relationship needs to be over. You don't need any more proof. When relationships have problems you should always turn it to it, not out. You are fortunate that you are not married nor have children. I know this has blown apart the future you saw for yourself, so take some time to process it all.

This is not a failing on your part, it is his, he chose to do this not because of something you didn't provide. If he wasn't happy with you then he should have talked to you or ended the relationship.

[Bristolbitsandbobs]

This is the first step on the road to real misery. Don’t follow this route OP

[Devlesko]

There's never a good reason to cheat, but he did this because you were having problems.
You should not be having problems when engaged buying a home together and planning on settling down.
Hell, it should still be the honeymoon period. In fact you haven't even had this yet.
Run for the hills, he's a cheat and you aren't compatable.

[Ellie56]

You deserve better.Dump him.

[LockdownLoppy]

He is showing you who he is, he will never be the man you want him to be.

[LuluJakey1]

You need to face facts.

He does this because he wants to.
He lies because it suits him to.
He ignores how much it will hurt you because it doesn't matter to him.
He has not stopped because he has no intention of changing.
He does not want you to see because it is much worse than he has admitted.
He has treated you so disrespectfully because he does not have respect for you.

The choice of what you do is yours but face the facts.

[Thehop]

Of course he doesn’t want you to see! He’s not that stupid. Then you’ll know exactly what he’s been up to the cheating cock nostril

Please please recognise that you deserve more than a lifetime of cheating lying and never really knowing. And for gods sake don’t get pregnant or put any more money into anything.

Start separating your lives, and sell the house ASAP.

[Alsohuman]

You’ve heard the saying about leopards and their spots. Try to understand what a lucky escape you’ve had and make plans for a future without him.

[thepeopleversuswork]

Seconding all this. Whether or not he's just dipping a toe or whether this is the tip of the iceberg he's been highly disrespectful and you won't be able to trust him again. A marriage without trust is miserable thing. Don't marry him, don't have children with him. When you feel strong enough, sell up and move out.

Someone said upthread this is a kind of a gift. It won't feel like it now of course but just think how much worse it would have been if you'd discovered this after marriage. You can walk away without significant financial untangling apart from the sale of the house, and thankfully you don't have children.

[Prontoe]

He doesn't love you or he wouldn't be doing this. That's all you need to know I'm afraid.

[Weallhavevalidopinions]

Some men and women do see sex as throwaway/with anyone/doesn't mean anything. He appears to be one of those people who want sex/the thrill of the chase with others and he probably will never change. Some people see sex as fun/release with anyone/any number of partners etc etc whilst others see it as part of a loving relationship and some mix up the both. You are committed to him but he clearly doesn't see commitment in the same way.

Your choice to forgive and realise he will no doubt do it again (and again).

Or end the relationship now and get out, look after yourself and when you are ready look for someone better.

Good luck - you deserve better than he can ever give you.

[Rainycloudyday]

Run a mile and don’t waste your time investigating. If he’ll cheat before you’re married with no kids, he’s sure as hell going to do it down the line when times get tough. Or even when they’re not tough, simply because he can if you give him the green light by marrying him after he’s done it once.

[Biscuit0110]

Thank your lucky stars now that you have found out, before marriage and children which are huge commitments.

He can and should leave now. Pack his bags, and change the locks.

This may feel hard now, but not as hard as it would be to share you life with a man that constantly cheats and lies to you. Get out now, and don't change your mind or listen to the B* he will most certainly tell you - he will get help, never do it again etc.

You can not possibly marry or have a child with someone like this. You have been saved.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I'd leave him just for calling other women "throwaway", never mind for the cheating. That's not a pleasant way to speak and unfortunately he sees you in the same light or he wouldn't have done it

Perhaps it was a mistake to overlook it last time, but with the repetition there's no point at all in continuing this - better a bit of pain now than a lifetime of agony and doubt

[Wolfgirrl]

I know it doesnt feel like it, but you are in a good situation to split. All you really need to do is sell the house.

He has proved himself to be an untrustworthy liar. Please don't make things worse by staying with him, having children etc then finding out he has been having a full blown affair.

I know it is heartbreaking but honestly, in a couple of years you will be really pleased with yourself that you took the hit now for a happier future you.

Good luck OP.

[fruitbrewhaha]

I see so many OPs on here of women discovering infidelity and getting really caught up in all the details and having to find out all the details. It's a distraction. You know all you need to know. He's a cheater. He doesn't feel the same way about your relationship of you do. It's over.

[MyHappinessProjectx]

Even though the house complicates things (in your mind) get out anyway
My friend was in your situation and she stuck with him even after she discovered something awful because they had just bought a house.

They split 3 years later anyway. Those werent happy years.

Do yourself a favour and get out now. Do not stay with him because of the house

[2bazookas]

he has admitted some of the people, he said they're just throwaway and all married too. He even said he has shown one person who I am which is horrid.

The above tells you all you need to know, right from the horse's mouth :
He regards women as "just throwaway", and that includes you.

[Dixiechickonhols]

It’s not going to improve. Don’t marry him. Start preparing to sell house.