Dating as a black woman

[doublestriker]

Moved to the UK 2 years ago. Been so lonely. Open to dating anyone from any race but I don't think white men are that interested in black women? I match with some of them on dating sites and the conversation just does not progress. Live in a rural area and work as a doctor so there are not a lot of other races here. I'm 31 and just losing hope.

The UK has one of the highest rates of mixed race marriage in the world - much more so than America or Africa for eg - so no, there is not a reluctance on most white people to date black, though I know of people from all races who don’t want to date outside their ethnic / cultural group.

I totally see what you're struggling with (as a single black woman also). In my opinion, some people just aren't interested in people of other races. To them, you are not unattractive, they're just not attracted to you in passing. You probably also don't get those double takes from white men. I myself are not sexually attracted to certain races and it doesn't mean I don't like them as people, as colleagues, friends etc.
This is all the more difficult when you live rural, where you are a severe minority.

One thing that helped while online dating in not contacting men but allowing them to make the contact. That way, only those attracted to you will fill your inbox and then you can see if you like those? It may mean, however, that you have to wait longer then usual. Or you could join interracial dating sites (never tried this) - that way, the men there are looking to date outside their race?

I see how hard it can be though.

Oh, and come off the free sites. Use only the paid ones where the people there are 'invested' in finding someone.

Thank you @Ellisandra - I was merely (albeit in an a rather clumsy way) trying to offer the OP some words of encouragement

You're right to be on as many apps as possible. I know people married from pof, coffee meets bagel, match, e harmony and tinder. My husband I met on match. I rejigged my profile when I wasn't having much luck. Got some professional pics taken. I had one really fabulous smiling head shot, one full length shot in an eye catching ( but not too revealing) dress and high heels, then I had one fun photo of me on the beach ( not in a bikini though). Kept my profile quite short and happy sounding 'I'm 5ft 7... long dark hair from x area, my job in x and my x hobby keep me nice and busy ( important to sound like you have a full life). I love x food ( helps invite dates) and baking cookies/ feeling the sand between my toes ( or insert some other wholesome sounding things, this helps put off weirdos). If you like great found and great company ( insert two things lots of people like), do get in touch!'
I had thousands of messages and at least one date every week. You would be surprised how men go for that sort of thing even if it does sound cheesy. If you look good and you sound fun, men will message you

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Date-Single-Dating-Manual/dp/1911175114
This book helped me a lot

I've been to two weddings of people that met on match.com and know of at least one other!

I dont know anything about online dating but I woudlnt take dr down from your description, you really dont want a man who is intimidated by someone with a decent education or job, you want to weed those ones out!

Not sure how rural you are OP but have you tried Muddy Matches?

I think there's stable and consistent data to show that black women do suffer bias on dating sites, unfortunately. theblog.okcupid.com/race-and-attraction-2009-2014-107dcbb4f060

You've had lots of great advice OP, which I hope proves useful to you. It would be nice also if white people could stop denying that anything ever is about race.

I do think race plays a part actually. I remember watching a dating show about this type of thing. Wish I could remember what it was called but it did show that a lot of people stick to their own race and If they did date outside of their race it was much less likely to be with black woman, than other races. It was an interesting show, and I do believe their is truth to it ime. Of course that’s not to say all men and there will be men that will want to date you but you will just have to keep trying.

It is true that race will play a factor just like other physical traits do when people are looking at pics on OLD. I'm very tall, lots of men hate that. On the other hand a lot of men love it. You will find that that you will be a lot of men's dream woman. Don't worry about the men that don't see you like that. You're not interested in those anyway!

Why are people unequivocally saying it’s not about race? For a lot of people it is. I’m BAME and I found many people (not all) do just want to date in their own race and many are happy to branch out. In a rural area this attitude may be more common than in a big city.

Sorry OP, but I agree that it’s a numbers game, don’t give up. A 31 yo doctor is a great catch!

it is striking how many people want to say it's not race (or being a doctor!).....

I have no doubt a significant proportion of white men would either rule out dating a black woman, hesitate more, and/ or come into chats with preconceptions that were a barrier. While sad, it's reality- and it is not just extreme racists who would blurt out aggressive, recognizably racist shit. It's people who may not even be aware they are doing it and would never consider themselves racist. (I think this is true of many people from many different ethnicities looking for a partner).

Similarly, being a doctor as a woman WILL put off a number of men.....

Any man who is put off by either of these things is clearly not someone you can find happiness with OP.... so I can only suggest you keep looking and I am sure the right guy, with none of these issues, will be waiting somewhere.

There may also be all kinds of other reasons why it's not working yet......But let's not try to comfort ourselves that the whole of the male species is free of prejudice and sexism?

I am sorry that OLD - which is really tough for everybody- May be even tougher for you, for totally unfair reasons, OP. I wish you luck, though and you sound lovely so am sure you will find happiness with someone who deserves you!

Lots and lots of mixed ethnicity couples round me (Inc myself) so plenty of men find love with a different race!

I do hear from my black female friends that unfortunately some white guys are arseholes and narrow minded but thank god you realise that instantly.

Please don't remove doctor - that's something wonderful to be proud of.

How small is your area?

Eharmony seems good I know lots of couples who met on there

Just read full thread. Yes there was a TV show about dating prejudice. My PP didn't mean to deny that, I just meant in some areas there are lots of happy couples so it does happen!

Go on a dating site when this is over that sets up dates and activities like a cooking class or pottery. Match. Com is a good one

I’m Indian and to be honest found using OLD hard in terms of meeting quality people when you exclude London (despite my living in another city at the time). Maybe try and include London and see what happens?

I’d agree you need to try paid for sites. You’ll meet people who are more serious there.

I would go to local language groups in cafes and stuff (you can find them on meeting up websites) . They seem to be full of the worldly.

I met my husband on Guardian Soulmates and my sister also met my sister in law on the site.

Men feel intimidated by women who have a decent profession. Well some men do, or maybe the men your being matched to just want “fun” which they think you wouldn’t be interested in. Or sometimes men feel intimidated by attractive women. Men are strange Op

I dated a lot in my early 30s. Now with my partner who I met on Tinder (for nearly 6 years), we own a house together and have a child. I have 2 tips: (1) you have to really work at dating if you want to find someone and (2) be wary of sites which allow you to select too many features for your match. It doesn't matter that they like sport and you don't , for example, or even what education level they have achieved. If I had used Match I would never have met my partner - I was searching for people who are university educated only (I'm a lawyer) and he left school at 16. He would never have come up on my results. But he's super smart and challenges me intellectually, we clicked immediately. I think sometimes when dating you have to take some risks, give a lot of guys a chance, and go outside your comfort zone (and that sort of goes back to my point 1 - it's not always easy to get what you want!).

Many people will only date within their race.... people like to think it's a melting pot in the UK, but if you're in a rural area, I would say your colour is a significant issue in dating.

I'm a black woman as well and I find other races feel uncomfortable admitting that they wouldn't date a black person.

I also think that men on those sites could be intimidated by your profession.

@doublestriker I could have written this post! The only difference between us is I live in London an am slightly younger. I've struggled a lot with OLD too, it's hard out here.

OLD must have changed since I did it (2012) because when I got sick of the creeps on free sites, I joined a paid site and my first message was ‘fancy seeing you here!’ from one of the creeps on the free site 😂 it was all the same men!

I met my DH on Plenty of Fish in 2012 so the free sites can work. You need to wade through a LOT of shit chat and creepy messages to get to a decent one though...