Was anyone else rejected by a parent?

[Annamaria14]

I lived with my mum in a different country to my Dad. He sent me a letter when I was a teenager, saying that it was all too difficult, and he could only have peace of mind if he never saw me again.

I wrote to him for ten years, trying to get him to see me, he never answered a single letter.

In my twenties, I got a flight over to his house by myself. I turned up at his door. It was all so difficult. I remember being so nervous and saying to the taxi driver, "this is the first time that I will have seen my Dad in 14 years", and the taxi driver being really kind to me, and saying "I will wait in the car, until he opens the door and you go in. I will wait to see that you are okay".

I knocked on the door and my dad was there and we spent some hours together. He was pleasant enough, and he said that he did want to see me in the future.

However when I arrived back to my country he posted me a letter. The letter said, "About your shock visit, I know when you were here I said I wanted to renew contact, but I have thought about it and changed my mind. I do not want to see you again. The bond is gone".

And I never saw him again until he died two years ago. As you can imagine it was very painful and I still cry about it to this day.

I was wondering, has anyone else gone through the same thing?

Christ. No, I haven't gone through that (I was put up for adoption as a baby). What a horrendous thing to go through. Are you able to get some counselling? I think it would really help you.

Similar . My dad and I fell out when I was 13. I lived in a different city to him with my mum and they’d separated when I was very young. Usually saw him once a month. After then not seen him since and he got remarried and said his new stepdaughter was more his family than I was and me contacting him was disruptive to that. I wrote once a year and when I had babies to try reestablish things but no, he is a stubborn proud man. I’ve found peace with it now but think it’s had a negative effect on me and my relationships have been pretty rocky as I am a bit of a cold hearted cow bag myself ... seeing a counsellor now about some other bits and it’s helping.

Sorry to hear your dad was a bit of a mega dick

I too was adopted as a baby. I view this as a terrible rejection but not in the same way that you have experienced OP, that is dreadful.

It is so sad @flapAttack23. They let us down

That is so very sad. I think you were incredibly brave to go and visit.
My dad didn't move away; he and my mum are still together. He never liked me though, and he was verbally and physically abusive to me. I hate seeing him. I was rejected by him albeit in a different way to you.
He has stumped up cash for me at various times... education, deposit, car. I think my parents think that makes him father of the year.
He destroyed my self-esteem and made me feel ugly and worthless. I won't go into specific details, or I'd be here all day! Growing up, friends would notice that I kind of latched on to their dads. I loved spending time with older father figures and watching how they treated their children.
I got married late, at 40, because I wanted to ensure whoever I settled down with would be a fantastic parent. I just love watching my husband with our little boy. The patience he has with him and his easy affection. We are expecting a girl in July and I just know he will be equally as lovely with her.
I hope this kind of answers your question. I guess rejection can take many forms.

I’m so sorry this was done to you OP. I haven’t been abandoned but someone very close to me was.

It’s nothing to do with you. It’s the failing of the “parent”, their shortcomings, their ineptitude. Their loss, too.

Of course knowing that changes the fact that you grew up without a dad to give you all the love you deserve.

How do you feel about his death?

@mayfayner I felt worse after his rejection, then after his death.

It is still what hurts me now the most - the rejection.

I am trying to think that parents are people with their own lives, and some of them are just not able to parent.

I think you were incredibly brave OP. He sounds like he never ever deserved you as a daughter. I was raised solely by my Mum, my Dad rejected me by being half arsed and non committal. We are now NC. I found reading up about useless fathers and being fatherless was very helpful. I have grieved and healed (mostly) and it isn't a raw pain anymore for me. Can't say I'll be there for him if he ever needs support as he ages and I shan't feel guilty about that.

Thank you for sharing that @Yellowsubmarinedreams

Anna that's heartbreaking very sorry you went through that experience xx

My dad rejected me as a 8 year old girl . I hadn't seen him since I was 2 . He randomly showed up one day. I was so excited to see him and despite being a shy child sat on his lap and talked to him the whole time he was there.

He promised to come back the next day at 1pm. That day after lunch I went at sat by the window and waited for him till 3pm until I gave up. It real affected my self esteem and I blamed my self as child ( thinking I had done something wrong or wasn't likeable).

It's been 19 years and I haven't heard from him since. I haven't worked up to courage to contact him again as I still think he's not interested in me.

Slightly similar - my dad died a few years ago and 2 weeks after his funeral my mother sent an email to me and my siblings saying that we'd let her down by not "giving" her grandchildren and that she'd never really liked us and there was no need to pretend anymore now that "her husband" (her words) was dead.

Last year I had some health stuff going on. She found out and sent me a long email asking why I hadn't told her(?!} and that she missed me. I took the bait unfortunately and answered. She then emailed to say that actually, she'd thought it over and thought it best I not contact her again. She plays similar games with my siblings too, often involving money.

Annamaria even if your father were still alive, he wouldn't give you the answers as to why he behaved in that terrible and cruel way. I think these types of people fail to realise that their offspring are people in their own right, that we're there to relieve boredom or for personal gain.

I'm sorry he's still causing you pain and I wish I could offer some insight into why they have such sociopathic behaviour.

*we're NOT there to relieve boredom or for personal gain

"edit"

@ririoo thank you ao much for sharing that. That is also how I felt, and still feel.

"My own dad didn't want me, so I am worth nothing".

We put so much of our self esteem in how our parents see us, when really they are just adults, and some of them are not able to be a good parent.

I hope you see that you are an amazing person, and your worth and value does not depend at all on his view of you. X x x

Yes, I have. My mother never showed me anything but contempt. I realise she was screwed up herself by being adopted & never bonding with her adoptive Mother, but it meant she was a terrible mother to me. She refused outright to show he any affection & the more I tried to please her the more she backed off. Though when my Dad was around she was careful to fade into the background. I'm sorry OP, it was brave to go see him, hoping he'd welcome you, but IME & that of people I've met in the same situation, the rejecting parent doesn't change. It took me years to accept & it's incredibly painful.

@CockCarousel oh that is so sad too. I wish I could save all the children from the bad parents. Your mother is another one who is not able to love in a healthy away. Inhope you see that it wasn't anything to do with you. She got damaged along the way before she even had you. You see how great you are!

I send you love ♥️♥️

Sending you love and light too sweetie

Thank you for sharing your stories, I feel a bit less alone in this pain.

Hopefully it might help others on here too, to see that it was really nothing to do with us, it was not our fault how we were treated, and to send support to each other ❤️

@CSIblonde thank you. And remember that your mum was in her own pain, and it was nothing whatsoever to do with you.

You don't need to carry her pain for her.

See how great you are , and have an amazing life ❤️

@Annamaria14

Thank you for your kind words ❤️ I hope you can see your value and importance too xxxx

It's affected me for a long time, that and how other people treated me as a child really affected my confidence in general and I just went through my child hood feeling like a disappointment to my closest family, I still have to remind myself sometimes that as a child it wasn't my fault xx

How very difficult for you, and how brave and loving you were to have hope and continue to pursue a relationship.
What do you think it was, obviously a fault in him but maybe he could not cope with having a child when the relationship (with your mother) had broken down?
My childrens' father (divorced from him) has an obvious preference for one out of two: the other knows now that it is through no fault of her own and that it is just another failing out of many in her father. But of course it still hurts and is unfair.
You did the best you could. Have you been in contact with any of his relatives? Maybe you have some cousins out there that could heal the breach a little - my aunt did this.

Some people just aren’t capable of being decent human beings,let alone decent parents.

Generally I hate the phrase but remember,it’s not you it’s them.

I had a bf at school whose parents left him at boarding school when he was seven and never came back.I suspect there may have been more to it than that,perhaps SS intervention etc as he was later fostered by someone else,but I remember even as a teenager him getting upset at the thought of not knowing where they were or why they’d left him.

to everyone who has been through this.

Op that is so terrible.

I haven't had your experience but my parents have both said on several occasions when we had an argument or even when there was no argument that they never want to see me again and sever all ties with me. Also my father threatened to put me in foster care countless times when I was a teenager and did something he had forbidden me (for example seeing a friend that he didn't approve of). Somehow they always come crawling back after a few weeks but I know how much it hurts when your parents reject you. Ofcourse your case is much much worse then line!

It should not be like this. Parents should want their children in their life no matter what. The rejection makes you feel you must be utterly rotten inside because even your own parents think you're so bad that they don't want you in their life. And here lies the clue. People who are capable of doing that much damage to their own children are the truly bad, toxic and damaging forces in the relationship. They are fucked up beyond compare and the rejection is a blessing in dusguise. Sometimes rejection is God's protection.
If they reject you they're not in your life to do worse damage.

I hope you can find peace with this OP and truly realize that there's nothing wrong with you, it's 100% your father's fault.
Wishing you all the best

Not me but a friend has taken on her grandchild (at leas than a year old) as their mum couldn't look after them. I think it's really messed them up. Ten years later the child is still desperate for mum's affection/attention etc but can hardly ever see her. The rejection must be heartbreaking.

It is shit your dad was irresponsible self indulgent and only considered his own feelings over yours, none of these issues are a reflection on you.
I don't think absent parents mainly men have the emotional maturity to be a parent they choose to bury their head.
Your life was worthy of a great dad, we can't choose our family or how they behave.

Can I ask what your mum did when you were a teenager and writing to him?

My DS has been rejected by his father yet again. First time was for 3 months, second time was for 5 years and it's now been just under 2 years. He told my DS that unless he spoke to him on the phone every week, he would not see him again. He hasn't seen him since. My DS was so very hurt by it. I am not someone that is going to make out he is a decent human being to my son because he is not. I tell my DS that his Dad is a selfish man and only ever puts his wants and needs first, that it is no refection on my DS that his Dad has behaved this way.

I've told my DS that if people cannot be bothered to spend time with you, then they are not worth your time and energy.