Was anyone else rejected by a parent?

[Annamaria14]

I lived with my mum in a different country to my Dad. He sent me a letter when I was a teenager, saying that it was all too difficult, and he could only have peace of mind if he never saw me again.

I wrote to him for ten years, trying to get him to see me, he never answered a single letter.

In my twenties, I got a flight over to his house by myself. I turned up at his door. It was all so difficult. I remember being so nervous and saying to the taxi driver, "this is the first time that I will have seen my Dad in 14 years", and the taxi driver being really kind to me, and saying "I will wait in the car, until he opens the door and you go in. I will wait to see that you are okay".

I knocked on the door and my dad was there and we spent some hours together. He was pleasant enough, and he said that he did want to see me in the future.

However when I arrived back to my country he posted me a letter. The letter said, "About your shock visit, I know when you were here I said I wanted to renew contact, but I have thought about it and changed my mind. I do not want to see you again. The bond is gone".

And I never saw him again until he died two years ago. As you can imagine it was very painful and I still cry about it to this day.

I was wondering, has anyone else gone through the same thing?

I'm so sorry op.

I was rejected by my father and it can still make me cry.

It truly is about his shortcomings as a human being though.

I was left by my Mum and Dad as a baby, along with my siblings, to be raised by my Grandparents.

This is going to be a long one, sorry OP, I’ll keep it as succinct as possible as I could go into a lot of detail.

My Mum turned up as and when she pleased and left usually without telling us she was going. My Dad lived down the road pretty much and actively ignored us, even if we shouted to him. Eventually we learned not to try.

When I was around 5/6years old my Mum turned up unannounced (as per usual) and decided she was taking us away from the only stability we had. We screamed and begged her to let us stay, but she took us anyway, she lasted roughly 8 months (mostly her drinking herself into a stupor and me and my brother looking after each other/baby sister) before she told us we were little shits (for begging to go home) and she was sending us back to our Grandparents. Best day of my childhood.

I felt rejected of course, I still have a deep rooted fear of abandonment but the anxiety and anger have dissipated over time.

Now onto ‘Dad’, I found him four years ago, reconnected with him and my Mum (separately of course) because I needed family history when I fell pregnant with my twins.

My Mum used it as a lifeline to go through what she had done (and not done) when I was a child and apologised over and over, asked to be allowed into my life and to be a Grandmother to my twins, after a lot of working it out - and knowing she had been fully sober for three years at that point, I agreed (with firm boundaries in place).

‘Dad’ spent the whole attempt of reconnecting claiming he hadn’t known of my existence until I was at least 3 - I said fair enough but what about my brother, who you were present at the birth for? He denied my brother was his, then he blamed my Mum for him not even bothering to say hello when we lived close by as children. Then he wanted me to be his ear to bend about his other kids who were in care (my half brother and sisters) - when I refused to help him get them back out of foster care (they had said they wanted to remain as they were lucky enough to have a good environment that was stable, were happy to have friends and liked their school etc.) he told me I wasn’t worth the energy it took to make me... plus he claimed my Mum had raped him so I was a rape baby.

Suffice to say I have felt rejected multiple times by both parents, it’s been difficult to grow up with, to address how it affects my character still and to come to terms with the fact that my Dad is a horrible excuse for a human being and my Mum took far longer to reach the point where she and I could form some kind of relationship than I would have liked!

It does and will hurt @Annamaria14 for a while. But try as best you can to keep in mind that it’s no fault of yours, it was purely on him, his fault of character and inability to overcome it. It doesn’t take the pain away completely - but I only started moving forward from all of the above when I drew a line in the sand (mentally) and kept reminding myself - it was not and is not my fault. Just as it was and is not your fault OP

I've saw a friend go through heartbreak with teenager's who glamourise the absent parent. It is very hard on the resident parent too.

Was not and is not*

Such sad, sad stories. My Dad was there but absent, too busy drinking and shagging other women. It has screwed me up, I find it very difficult to have friendships and relationships. I also don't think I am the best parent but I love my son and tell him that daily.

The knock on effects are so long lasting aren't they.

Do you think there is anything that your parent could have done or said about the absent one that would have made understanding it better? Help your sense of worth be stronger,

@navisprite that is so heartbreaking. And don't say sorry. People sharing stories means a lot to me.

When we share stories , we can empathise and lessen each other's pain.

So many of us think it was our fault, when, how could it be a child's fault. I am sorry to hear about what your dad said, Insed you a hug

I've saw a friend go through heartbreak with teenager's who glamourise the absent parent. It is very hard on the resident parent too.

I've seen this too and it's very sad. Though once the child reaches a certain age they realise the absent parent is the problem. Of course then they have to deal with the fallout of having all their ideals shattered.

I've been rejected by my mother my whole life, though not in the way you have, OP. My mother has always treated me with disdain - she takes pleasure in my (many) misfortunes and loathes any achievements. She seems to want to make it her life's mission to make sure I don't ever feel good about anything. She's a very disturbed woman and had I woken up to this earlier I would never have moved back to my country. It took becoming a mother myself for the reality of how dysfunctional she is. We are cordial and speak regularly, but she's seen the shift in me and doesn't like it one bit.

My heart goes out to all those who have been rejected by a parent. No one deserves that. And the damage is massive and ongoing. No idea whether it can actually be fixed. When I think back to all the times I tried so hard and failed to get my mother to love me as a small girl I want to cry.

Both of my parents make it clear they are not interested in me or my siblings.

That said, my dad has got better with age, with having social media and him being totally no contact with my mum for 20 years now, which has calmed him. I never phone though, he can't wait to get rid of me and that's hurtful.

My mum doesn't even know what my best friend's name is and never has. If we have contact she talks at me not to me. It is a nonstop wall of sound. She has no interest in me or my siblings.

I gave up on them once I had children of my own.

@tympanic I have to say, I also have a mother like this.
My dad outright rejected me, my mother was there for me physically, but she was also cruel and nasty to me.

She was the exact same as yours, she hatee me achieving anything, and would knock me down if I was ever happy and achieved anything.

I send you a hug. I think my lesson in this life, is to see that I am amazing, no matter what my parents thought of me

@TorkTorkBam hugs. And well done on getting through life with no help. You should be proud

Yes me too. My dad left and refused to see me even tho he occasionally saw my brother and sister. I was maybe about 11. He eventually let them down too and has seen none of us for decades. He isn’t even aware he has grandchildren.

It’s hard not to feel like there is something wrong with you when this happens. But there isn’t and it’s not you it’s them. to op and everyone who has told their story.

I’m not sure how to move on from it entirely. I think having my own dcs helped though

I found it cathartic the first time I said out loud, to a sibling, "You have to remember that our mother doesn't love us." I was in my thirties before I could admit to myself and say it out loud.

I never say it to anyone except those very very close to me. Anyone else argues, tells me obviously I am wrong and gives a vibe of it must be you who is bad because ALL mums love their children.

I'm so sorry this has happened.
Sadly I know what it's like to be rejected too. My parents divorced when I was 4 years old and at 7 my mother put me and my sister (5) into care. We had no contact with her as children, it wasn't really encouraged back then (1970's) I don't think. When I was 15 social services tried to place me back with her as I had been removed from the current set of foster parents but she sent me back after less than a day. I tried desperately to have a relationship with her when I left care at 18 but to no avail, she had no interest at all. She had another child after I went into care who stayed with her so I don't think it was maternal instinct as such. I tried for many years, even tried buying her love with extravaganza gifts as she never worked. It took me a few years but I came to realise there was no point and she just didn't want a relationship with me so I chose to get on with my life without her.

You can't change the way other people feel or behave sadly, you can only chose how you deal with it. I feel for everyone who has to deal with the rejection of a parent.

I think some parents( often Men TBH!) dont seem to see the damage they do.They often seem to think "Just cut and run" if emotions get in the way.I think they often cant handle this side of it .It is not a personal reflection on you by any means .When they leave their wife and children they seem to think its for the best, and not to dwell on it .Children however need to have contact with both of their parents!

Yes I have OP. Different scenario to yours, but both my parents rejected me from a baby, and as a child they tried to have me taken away. They told me I was a problem child and made me believe there was something wrong with me. They tried to have me taken to a church to be "cured" until I screamed so much they eventually referred me to a psychiatrist saying they didn't know what else to do with me. I attempted suicide at 12. After weeks of sessions the psychiatrist called them in and suggested they were the problem.

It's taken me years of therapy but I'm good now and I know none of it was my fault. The sad thing is, looking back, and speaking to others who knew me then, I was a very sweet and gentle little girl.

Have you had therapy OP? If not I strongly urge you to.

My parents are great, but one set of grandparents rejected me (the other set died when I was very little). They already told my parents they didn't want me before I was born. When I was born, the first thing they said was "don't think we're ever going to babysit." They never took an interest at all. The odd thing is that they adored and spoilt my cousin. I think not having any loving grandparent figures in my life has made me very emotionally self-reliant, I don't trust anyone else to make me happy.

NaviSprite So sorry to hear your story ,so sad for you .You sound amazingly strong ,and are an example to people with your courage and fortitude in such difficult circumstances .Good to hear you have reconnected with your DM .Your DF sounds somewhat odd TBH .WTAF is a man raped by a woman? Its not even possible! You are not a "rape baby ,"but a decent and caring young woman badly let down .Thankfully your GPs looked after you and gave you a sense of worth .Sending hugs to you .Take Care xxx

These stories are heartbreaking; like a couple of previous posters I was adopted at birth and many years ago when I was early 20s I traced my birth mother - she was happy and successful, living comfortably with a lovely family 2 little girls. She lived overseas, and we had an intermediary chosen by her, so she never had to deal with me face to face - that was before the internet was widely used and she never wanted to speak on the phone. After her initial euphoria at my emergence, we wrote to each other for a few years and it was going nowhere. It just fizzled out.

Now many years later I have traced my birth father, I simply googled his name and there he was. I'm nearly 60 now, so we have one shot at a reunion (I always use professional intermediaries) - but I am very clear now that if he doesn't like me because I am fat, old, not pretty whatever, that will be the end of it, I'm not chasing.

@Annamaria14 awww op I’m so sorry.
My father was rejected because his mother wanted a girl she already had a boy. They couldn’t even be bothered to name him a nurse did My father never fitted in, was always left out while his older brother was doted on and treated like a prince.
My father left home at 16 and literally didn’t have a penny to his name- his parents were very wealthy, he moved around a lot and worked bloody hard even bought his own flat by the time he was 21. Then met My mother and had us kids. By 25 he had a wife a home and 2 kids even that didn’t make his parents proud. All contact was stopped between them when he was 25 years old he never heard from them again...he found out by accident his parents had died years later after they had passed. All family had been told not to tell him. He wasn’t even left in the will or the only grandkids either. It was heart breaking for him and took many years for him to come to terms with even now he struggles but he is still married to my mum and has his kids and now grandkids around him who pull him through it, we can never make the pain go away but we deal with it together.
It’s true the saying anyone can make a baby but it takes an amazing person to be a parent.

Sending you love @Annamaria14 surround yourself with good people who truly love you.

I'm so sorry for all those who have been treated so cruelly.

My mum told me when I was 20 (in the car, she was giving me a lift somewhere) that she rejected me when I was born so that I couldn't reject her first. We didn't have a good relationship but it still came as quite a shock. It badly affected me and that with other things impacted on my self esteem and relationships with others.

She has major issues. And made several attempts to blame them on me (she told me her control of me as a child and teenager was my fault because she had been neglected as a child. I couldn't begin to fathom that out. But she clearly stated it was my fault. And that she wasn t going to apologise for that. As one example) that was last year. It really screwed me up as I was dealing with stressful things at work and other areas at the same time.

I organised counselling through work. 6 sessions. Changed my life.

Some horrible experiences here. You are all so brave to share and come through it. I think it takes a hell of a lot to come to term a with the fact that the problem lies with your parent and not you.

My parents were very young when they had me and my father has never been involved in my life. After a very difficult labour he told my mum she would have to give me up for adoption if she wanted to continue their relationship but by then her very strong maternal instinct had kicked in and she basically told him to FOTHFSOF!

I've always had a close relationship with my mum who has always offered nothing but unconditional love, but the rejection by my father always made me feel second best, it wasn't really until my own child was born and seeing the bond between DH and DS and made me see it was my own father's failure not mine. I can't imagine what kind of person can just walk away from their child.

I’ve made my peace with it. I was about eleven when contact ended. As I got older I made some massive mistakes in my relationships with men which could probably be connected somehow (only falling for emotionally unavailable men) but that stopped when I had a bit of an epiphany and realised what I was doing.

The thing is, it wasn’t me. It was him. It didn’t matter how well behaved and good mannered I was. I could have been any child in the world and he would have been the same. I think it was easier for me to accept because he rejected my siblings too and had had an incredibly abusive childhood himself. He was never picked up or cuddled or even spoken to kindly, so had no idea how to care for a goldfish, let alone a child. He died a couple of years ago and although I felt sad for what could have been, I was thankful that I didn’t have to deal with the pain that comes with the loss of a parent.

My life would have been very different, and I would have been a very different person if he’d stayed. I quite like me and my life as they are, so all I feel if I ever think of him is a small amount of sadness for him at all the things he could have had but threw away because he didn’t recognise them as valuable.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

My father left when I was a few months old. My mum came home one day, and he had taken all his stuff, all the cash, others things that weren't his, and even the bloody sockets on the wall!

A few weeks later, he decided he would come round and see me, but only late at night after he'd been to the pub, so I was asleep. One day he just said that he won't be coming anymore. I haven't seen him since. He often refused to pay child maintenance, and would work for cash in hand etc.

Stupidly I decided to contact him when when I was older. At first he acted all nice, but the moment I shared my own thoughts and feelings, he turned everything back on me. He made out it was my fault and that I should believe everything he said without question, because everything was everyone else's fault except his. He refused to take any responsibility for any of it.

Honestly though, what he did didn't surprise me and it didn't hurt, if that makes sense. I should never had contacted him, that was my mistake. My mum didn't blame me for contacting him, she understood why I wanted to. I, too, blamed myself as a child, despite my mum telling me it wasn't. But now, I know he was the problem and he will never change. Deep down, I think the only reason I contacted him, was because I wanted to know what he was like and his reasoning for doing what he did. I think really, I was actually terrified that I was like him. I am so glad that I am nothing like him.

I did find out that I have four half-siblings (probably will never talk or meet or anything like that) and that he has now been married five times, and divorced five times - not really surprised about that bit though.

Now, I don't feel hurt anymore for what he did. I didn't always feel like that though, it's hard to explain, but it use to hurt knowing that one of the two people who should love me, didn't. I will always hate him for how he treated my mum. Some might ask why I contacted him. It is really hard to explain. I guess I wanted to hear it from him (not that I didn't believe my mum), I wanted to see if he even held a modicum of remorse or even gave a shit. But ultimately he didn't, I'm nothing to him and he is nothing to me. People have even said to me, but he is still your family. My answer is no, he is not, only because we are blood, does not make us family.

Sorry that was long. But ultimately I know realise the best thing he ever did for me was to leave.

My dear OP, you most certainly got the short straw when it came to parents. I don't know if this helps but my thoughts on you (understandably) taking your father's rejection of you personally are as follows: actually he didn't know you, had no relationship with you and couldn't reject you personally. Logically he couldn't reject what he didn't know. He chose not to engage with you which is very differently motivated. It may be many things but as your Mother was 'nasty' perhaps he put himself first in a very cowardly way to protect himself from pain. Or maybe he's just a crap person who can't be bothered to put himself out for anyone. Not what you want from a Dad obviously but look at it this way. It's his loss. He misses out on you and all you have to offer. He missed out on living and laughing with you, watching you grow up, sharing the good times and being supportive in the bad. Maybe you were better off without a spineless, selfish father as well as an 'unkind' mother. Be the best you can be (I'm sure you already do) and be proud of who you have become despite both parents not because of them. I'm proud of you and I don't even know you. You clearly have empathy and compassion. That comes from you 💕