Tell me why I'm BU please

[tygaloaf]

DP and his friends were discussing some football league in another country that's starting again (don't know much about it).

His friend suggested as part of the sweepstake they'll go abroad to the winning country in 2021. Whoever picks the winning team gets the holiday paid by the other two.

All fair and well except that we are meant to get married in 2021...
he will have a stag (a week abroad they're planning) and we need to save for the wedding and honeymoon.

I think it's stupid, unfair and disrespectful as it will consequence our other plans.

He says he won't be told what he can and can't do. That's it.

So I am sure mumsnet will say I'm being unreasonable, but can someone talk to me about why / how to get over myself so I can calm down? Thanks

@Lolliloo1234 I don't know why, but that just made me cry. I've never really thought my way of thinking was acceptable or good enough. Maybe my self esteem is very low!

@tygaloaf I know how you feel, I’ve been there hence why I know how important it is to tell you these things.
You deserve someone to take who you are into account. Nobody gets it right all the time but to feel this anxious and less than because of someone, who should know you better than anyone (and love you in spite of some of the little idiosyncrasies that all people have) and their refusal to take your feelings into account without a fight is just not right.

Everyone is a work in progress but you are just fine as you are, you deserve to be listened to and respected, you deserve to be part of discussions and decisions. You may not always get it exactly your own way (which I’m sure you already know) BUT you matter. You are more than good enough as you are.
PM if you need anything x

@Lolliloo1234 thank you so much. You've really made my day.

He really shouldn't be going to Belarus anytime soon, OP - they are about to have a massive Covid-19 problem:

He doesn't seem to have much respect for you and I think you deserve better, don't you?

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Not read the whole thread but this refers to the Bundesliga.
The Belarusian football leagues have continued (almost) as normal during the pandemic.
Good luck with your OH though! X

in your shoes, I'd cancel the wedding.

Erm, sorry about the completely wrong YouTube clip!

It should have been this one!

Surprised no one has said guys generally like football trips with mates more than they like weddings (even their own). Weddings are a girl's dream - boys do not have dreams of weddings - or even honeymoons.

You're not BU, I'd think very carefully before marrying him. He sounds very high and mighty and like it's his way without any compromising on his part. Not seeing the attraction myself.

I don't blame you for trying to rationalise this post-conversation with your DP @tygaloaf but don't automatically dismiss that little voice in your head, stop for a moment and put both his comments and proposed actions in context. How much of an equal partnership do you have? Remember also that when (if?) you proceed with the wedding his debts are also yours.. 🌹

Lately some things have been causing me to have second thoughts on whether this is the type of man I want to be with forever

Earns less, but is the one with extravagant wants?

Looks to the friend in a relationship who basically treats his partner with disrespect as the person he plans to emulate?

Yep, don't put any deposits down for weddings anytime soon.

Have you got deposits etc ring-fenced on the house? Did you put in equally? Are you tenants in common or joint tenants, etc.

If it truly affects you not being able to afford to get married that is one thing, if you don't like him going away with his mates that's a different thing altogether.

DH and I go away separately a few times a year but never at the detriment of our family trips or family expenses. I would not stop him from going on holiday with his friends as long as I am able to do the same. That would be controlling.

Doesn't sound like you are particularly well suited. I am not saying you are in the wrong specifically, but I was married to someone who did not like me taking solo trips even though we could afford it and that's just not the relationship I want. Lots of people are happy that way and there is nothing wrong with that, it's just no good if you are not on the same page.

I do agree with other posters though, you should be able to have a 2-way conversation about this to make decisions like this, he should not speak to you in that way, he sounds quite immature. If you shoot him down immediately over these things then he may be defensive though. Given that no one on here actually really knows either of you it's hard to judge the situation.

"I just feel like any person with their head screwed on would say "lads, 2021 is the wedding year. Might have to be 2022!"

I just feel like any person with their head screwed on wouldn't want to marry someone with such an attitude. Marriage is about sharing and making joint decisions. He will be a nightmare with his "don't tell me what to do..." comments. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man?

He’s thinking as a single man. Not as one who’s part of a partnership.

Adding my voice to the chorus of be very very cautious of marrying someone with a different attitude to money to you.
It sounds like it's falling to you to be the responsible one who plans ahead. Do you often carry the mental load in your relationship? What is he like about your birthday?

Surprised no one has said guys generally like football trips with mates more than they like weddings (even their own). Weddings are a girl's dream - boys do not have dreams of weddings - or even honeymoons.

Not the case here. The OP says it's his extravagant demands which are making their planned wedding so expensive.