Tell me why I'm BU please

[tygaloaf]

DP and his friends were discussing some football league in another country that's starting again (don't know much about it).

His friend suggested as part of the sweepstake they'll go abroad to the winning country in 2021. Whoever picks the winning team gets the holiday paid by the other two.

All fair and well except that we are meant to get married in 2021...
he will have a stag (a week abroad they're planning) and we need to save for the wedding and honeymoon.

I think it's stupid, unfair and disrespectful as it will consequence our other plans.

He says he won't be told what he can and can't do. That's it.

So I am sure mumsnet will say I'm being unreasonable, but can someone talk to me about why / how to get over myself so I can calm down? Thanks

I wouldn’t presume to tell my DH not to go on holiday, he often just goes somewhere having ensured that he has the money and there are adequate arrangements in place for our children. I’ll often get a call from him saying I’m going to x country, the kids are staying with Y family member. I’m a very relaxed about this kind of thing.

Even I can see that this isn’t going to go well for you. When one person raises a concern the other has to respond to it, no matter how ridiculous they may find it. Be wary of this man, he’s probably going to cry that you’re being controlling every time you ask him to pull his weight financially or looking after children.

It sounds like you aren't on the same page re money & big decisions . (extravagant wedding, expense of this trip on top of stag do, your priority isn't his etc ). Do you ever sit down & look at income & outgoings or have a v basic spreadsheet of current running total of wedding costs? Nows the time to start, if not . If he won't even countenance that, I'd be worried being tied to someone feckless with money. Unless he's earning shed loads & you're well off too & you have safety net savings , it could all go tits up if redundancy or ill-health happens.

It’s a weekend trip with mates. I wouldn’t get worked up over this, my DH and I do things separately with our mates quite a lot. Make the most of it.

He doesn't seem very reasonable to just announce he's doing something without any discussion. Do you do that to him? I'm guessing not.

What happened to stag party’s being just a night out ? Why a week ?

I think a serious discussion is in order OP, he is acting like a selfish arse. What a stupid idea it is anyway, paying for 2 other people to go on holiday because of a bloody bet.

He doesn’t sound very grown up. Postponing a wedding is cheaper than divorcing him in 10 years when you’ve spent loads on the house etc and he swans off with half of it.

and I said "wait what,
YABU to talk like an American teenager (unless you are one).

You raised a very relevant concern with him and his response was belligerent and immature. I wouldn't marry someone who couldn't even be bothered to hold an adult discussion and whose immediate response was don't tell me what to do. Fuck that op, no way would I want to be married to someone like that.

and I said "wait what,
YABU to talk like an American teenager (unless you are one)

Oh dfo. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Listen to those alarm bells! They are warning you and if you ignore them then you will regret it.

Sorry I fell asleep.

In his defence, a few people have brought this up, he earns enough, I just earn more but I'm a high earner because of my profession. He has always paid his equal share, he's never ever borrowed money or needed to. He has manageable planned debt on 0% for credit score boost, but by doing things like this he won't reach the payment to ensure he doesn't end up paying interest

So it's just a weekend away with his mates?

I'll be honest, if my partner tried to control me going away for a few days with friends, then I'd be seriously considering the future of our relationship.

I'm sorry OP but last night you were saying you found him disrespectful etc and you were rethinking the marriage. This morning you're excusing him.

I suppose the money is a small concern. It sounds like a fun trip. I just don't think it's fair that he gets to go on so many big things. I am not relaxed about things like that.

He usually goes away once a year abroad for a weekend with these friends. He also goes away for any stags if they happen (we are at prime wedding age!) and he goes on nights out staying with these friends a few times a year. That's all fine.

I just thought the wedding year would be a bit more special. We are getting married 5 hours from where we live and have to make weekend plans to go to the church to become on the electoral roll for the parish.
We have to go close to the wedding for the Banns.
We also have my hen and his stag to accommodate. As well as all the 2020 summer weddings that have been moved to 2021.

Then we were going to go on a long honeymoon. I've never been travelling or taken time out of work, we had planned to do a long honeymoon as a way to make up for that before kids etc. I just don't see how it would all fit in.

I'd be fine with them combining it with the stag.

@pinkyy only on the money front. He is perfectly fine with handling money, but he could not realistically afford to pay for someone's weekend away like his friends suggested.

My point was we don't have arguments usually around finances.
Also some people have said they'd be fine if their DP could afford it all. Technically he could but it would probably come as a consequence to something else.

I had niggling doubts before my 1st wedding and I wished I had listened to them.I plodded on for 8 years until I left.

If you don’t have children and he can afford it I don’t see why just because it is your wedding year he shouldn’t go.

OP, he sounds like he doesn't respect you.

You will be a very very regretful woman if you go ahead and marry a man that doesn't respect you, which you know and you ignored your gut feeling.

Start focusing on working on YOUR self esteem.

Are you one of those women so desperate to be married that you'll marry anyone, despite reservations.

Read about the "Sunken Cost Fallacy" theory as it applies to relationships.

The thing that stands out to me is that he sounds like what I call a “lad”.

The type who won’t say “no, actually mate I can’t do that this year” for fear of being branded a “pussy” by his mates perhaps?

I cannot stand these type of men - they never ever want to grow up and will continue going on any excuse for a stag trip, footy weekend, birthday holiday (“but it’s Steve’s 30th/40th/50th”) - you’re DP will be exactly the same as his mate - still going on his boys trips even when you have dc’s - and if you moan he’ll say you’re trying to control him!

You meanwhile with seethe with resentment as you’re left holding the baby! I’ve seen it happen so many times with friends. One friend has nearly left her dh so many times due to his commitment to his footy team - going on trips they can’t afford/missing family stuff - and also always coming back in a complete state because he’s drunk so much. He’s 50! But to him there’s no discussion - it’s his football team after all

My own dh gave up all that crap when we settled down and moved in together. The reason why is because he is very confident in himself and doesn’t give a crap what his mates think so was happy to tell them he wasn’t going. Some men never want to grow up - do you think he’s one of those types?

YABU for using "consequence" as a verb.

Listen to the voice in your head OP, please. Before you waste any more time with this dickhead.

I would also question this relationship.
Whilst you are both individuals, I think it would be common curtsey to discuss this with you before he goes away. Also the cost is something you would need to agree too, ( its not like a night out in town). I am not sure having a partner who will disappear without your knowledge and spend hundreds of pounds at the drop of a hat is something I would want

I feel a heavy weight in my chest today - my anxiety is not doing too well. I really wish I was laid back.

I'll be honest, he doesn't follow through with things usually if I am very against them. Or at least will discuss with me. It's almost as if he tests the waters.
He hasn't yet agreed to the idea with the guys but they've already started planning, assuming he will. When I am less angry and he seems concerned I will broach it being part of his stag. His reaction to this will be the final decider for me!

@tygaloaf it’s not you being not laid back...you are completely entitled to your opinion and concerns. I’m not a laid back person, my DP knows this and just like I consider his reaction to things (he loves a routine etc), he considers mine and doesn’t make finite statements in a ‘you don’t get to tell me what to do’ way.

You are you...and that’s okay. You don’t need to wish yourself to be different for someone else.