Tell me why I'm BU please

[tygaloaf]

DP and his friends were discussing some football league in another country that's starting again (don't know much about it).

His friend suggested as part of the sweepstake they'll go abroad to the winning country in 2021. Whoever picks the winning team gets the holiday paid by the other two.

All fair and well except that we are meant to get married in 2021...
he will have a stag (a week abroad they're planning) and we need to save for the wedding and honeymoon.

I think it's stupid, unfair and disrespectful as it will consequence our other plans.

He says he won't be told what he can and can't do. That's it.

So I am sure mumsnet will say I'm being unreasonable, but can someone talk to me about why / how to get over myself so I can calm down? Thanks

I think seriously you shouldn't marry him, he sounds like an arse
You'll be back on here in 18 months time, telling us what a mistake you've made

This. Please think carefully about the future you want. A friend of DH's has 2 young DC and does whatever he wants without telling or caring about his family. His DW is miserable.

Bundesliga starts again shortly, might be that. If you can afford it I'd be ok with it, combining it with his stag is a good idea

Don’t tell me what to do?

Don’t put our family plans in jeopardy with your selfish spur of the moment ideas. Grow the fuck up and discuss things like an adult. Have some respect or there won’t be a wedding.

That’s what I’d like you to say to him.

Omg Bundesliga has seriously rung a bell. If it's that one then I would actually call off the wedding, it ends just before he'd go on his stag. Which means he'd go on two holidays in a month before we marry? Also means I'd have to work my hen do around his gallivanting as we have two dogs, both rescues and can't just leave them without proper consideration.

He obviously just assumes I'd look after them

Lately some things have been causing me to have second thoughts on whether this is the type of man I want to be with forever

My god listen to this feeling!

I’d be rethinking things tbh. There’s a big flashing light going off here. His “don’t tell me what to do” is not a good sign.

Don’t marry him, he’s a twat

Sorry OP this marriage does not sound like it's going to go well.

You earn more. He has debts. But the wedding is costing more than you budgeted for because he has expensive tastes.

If he earns enough that he can easily save for the wedding and stag and holiday then fair enough.

If he doesn't, but would compromise on his own stuff rather than expecting you to compromise (eg he would have a stag in he uk instead of abroad so you dont need to change anything about the wedding you planned) then its up for discussion.

If he cant afford it but is not going to compromise on any of his stuff and is either expecting you to compromise on stuff that's important to you, or get into more debt to pay for it, then it affects you and no he should not be 'telling you' how his actions are going to affect you without your agreement.

It sounds like he isnt even prepared to discuss if he can afford it and how it will actually affect your finances. If it negatively affects you or your joint finances then most couples would discuss this first before making decisions.

I also don't like the 'but X is going' argument - very much like 'but X's parents let them drink at parties/ stay out til midnight' etc and X's relationship does not sound very functional

You've said yourself though you are not sure about this marriage, I think you have probably come on here to get opinions which validate how you already feel about him (which is fine!).

I would put the wedding on hold and chat about his attitude. Sounds like it's gonna be a problem in the future.

Lately some things have been causing me to have second thoughts on whether this is the type of man I want to be with forever.*

You sound like a smart woman who already knows what to do.

Good luck!

“The reason our wedding isn't as cheap as I'd like is that it's entirely revolved around his extravagant wants.”
Plus his recently announced holiday japes.

If you’re having any second thoughts about getting married to him, listen to them now.

*He obviously just assumes I'll look after them
*
If he's doing this with dogs, he'll definitely do it with children if you plan to have any and in the least he'll likely pile all other responsibilities onto you.

Sounds like he's trying to live a champagne lifestyle on a beer budget? And with little respect for you. Listen to your gut OP

@tygaloaf OP please please think hard about marrying this man. I had niggling doubts before I got married (my exH was deeply inconsiderate and selfish - you’re not telling him what to do, you’re asking for your feelings to be considered in a certain situation. Whether he goes or not, that is not unreasonable)....and it lasted less than a year.

My current DP, who I’ve been with for longer in total weirdly, I’d marry in a heartbeat. Absolutely no doubts, nothing.

Listen to your gut. Please please please.

Lately some things have been causing me to have second thoughts on whether this is the type of man I want to be with forever''

listen to yourself and pay attention.

My mother gave me some advice before I married. She said "marry someone whose worst fault you can tolerate" I often think of how good that advice is.

I was going to suggest Bundesliga. They have been playing in Belarus all the way through as the President believes vodka and sauna are both excellent against coronavirus.

Getting onto the point of your post, tygaloaf, you are not being unreasonable to point out it that you can’t really afford a holiday and a stag trip in the same year that you are getting married. I can understand why he feels under pressure from his friends but he doesn’t seem willing to find a compromise.

The one in a relationship often makes plans without telling his other half (they have a child) and then just begs forgiveness but they're happy with that.

You mean, he’s happy with that. I’d hazard a guess she’s less than thrilled.

I think pp had a good idea telling him to combine the two. I’m not married by the way but if my partner “told” me he was going away, I’d be ok with that. I wouldn’t be here when he got back though.

So because your getting married in 2021 you can’t do anything else that whole year. I think it’s more about the money than the 4 days he would be away. Just tell him that if he wants to go he needs to save the money separate to your wedding fund and maybe reduce his stag night

Lately some things have been causing me to have second thoughts on whether this is the type of man I want to be with forever

I was willing to bet this wasn't the only red flag.

If you can't see that there are very serious issues in your relationship, I don't know what else to say. Wedding plans and idiotic stag do's are the least of your problems. I would implore you to reconsider marrying this man.

Good for him for giving you a loud and clear warning not to get married to him.

Good for you for hearing it!

Why would anyone marry someone who had a dont tell me what to do attitude.

All couples should be able to discuss this type of stuff, what about when you have a child and ask him to help ... Is he going to tell you that you cant tell him what to do

His attitude won’t change after marriage.

Good luck.

Good advice re NOT marrying someone whose worst trait you can't tolerate....

For me it would be:

1. the selfishness... Both re the money in a time of wedding bills. A long weekend drinking and paying for the pal won't be cheap will they?

1. The complete dismissal of YOUR time... Just assuming you'll cover all the necessary dog duties....

I'm the child of a father like this... He had many many hobbies which took him away for all the spare 'family' time around his work... There was NEVER any discussion with my mum. It is hugely damaging...

1. It would also massively piss me off that I would have to cram in my hen do around his inconsiderate holiday times... And all around his time dependent school year.

1. The comment re NOT telling me what to do.....tjat would be a breaker....

Sadly he's showing you WHO and WHAT he is.... A bit of a selfish arse... It's up to you if you want this for the rest of your life...

He's unlikely to change.... Unless he's bothered.... And I'm my exp... My own and pals,men like this rarely change... Or they'll change enough for a couple of months to laspe back into their selfishness once they've got you back where they want you.

I'm sorry

Please don’t marry someone you aren’t on the same page with financially. It only gets harder, not easier

Partners should discuss large purposes and time consuming activities and come to a mutually agreeable solution. That will sometimes mean the reality is that it isn’t affordable or that one of you sacrifices with the understanding it is your turn next. If he won’t have that conversation, he won’t make a good husband.

Also, a man’s friends tell you a lot about him. If they are the type to be inconsiderate to their wive’s, then he probably is too.