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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reached a new low tonight

102 replies

ShambalaHambala · 10/05/2020 21:09

Single mum to 18 month old. Haven't seen my mum in 2 months. She loves round the corner. Trying to work from home and look after my son. He's teething and I'm just desperate for a break. He's going through a sleep regression and has gone from waking once a night to waking every 1-2 hours. I'm already on medication for anxiety and it's just getting worse. I'm exhausted. I need a hug, or an uninterrupted bath, or just to be able to eat without the fear in the back of my head that my son will wake up as soon as I pick up my fork. Boris' speech made me almost cry with frustration. AIBU to just be totatlly falling apart and terrified that I won't be able to see my mum for weeks and weeks? How can I distract myself? I can feel myself falling apart.

OP posts:
ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 10/05/2020 21:34

It's more than feeling a little bit miserable fgs. She's already on anxiety meds and it's getting worse. I don't mean move your mum in op. I mean get her to come in and help you. I'll get shot down for this but your mental health is vital. If you have a nervous breakdown, you're going to have a whole lot more problems.

IncrediblySadToo · 10/05/2020 21:34

@Pika09

Seriously, what is the increased risk of a person living in a single residence household solely mixing with another person living in a single person residence?

It's hard to believe that 7 weeks on this still needs explaining...

Every person you see, sees other people - so you go to the supermarket, the corner shop, pass the the neighbour, pass too close to a couple of runners ... all a risk. (Say 15 people in a week)

The other person does the same - but with different people

Then you meet up and your risk is now from 30 people ... not 1.

Khione · 10/05/2020 21:37

This is where the social isolation falls apart for me.

Every situation is different and (to me) this 'new' phase is about not being a nanny state and moving back to individual responsibility.

If you were my daughter and had been following the rules up until now and I had also been following the rules I would do a risk assessment and work on the principle that we were one household spread between 2 properties. And I would be there for you.

sqirrelfriends · 10/05/2020 21:38

That sounds like a really shit situation. I've moaned a lot throughout lockdown but have always maintained that single parent families have a far harder deal right now, that bit of respite is so important.

Tbh I would consider seeing her anyway as I can't see what the difference would be if you lived in the same household, you're both not in contact with anyone else.

VioletCharlotte · 10/05/2020 21:39

*Incrediblysadtoo
*
I get what you're saying, but what's the difference between the OP and her Mum seeing one another and a couple who live in the same house and both go out to shop, work, exercise, etc?

OP if I was you I would see your Mum, working from home with and looking after a baby on your own with no support is, in my opinion, far more damaging.

IWillNotNameTheTree · 10/05/2020 21:40

Honestly, ask your mum for help.

Your mental health is important, you need some support.

HollowTalk · 10/05/2020 21:43

Seriously, what is the increased risk of a person living in a single residence household solely mixing with another person living in a single person residence?

This is what I don't understand. It's as though you have one household, but live in two homes. How can you possibly be at any more risk than a bigger family that lives together?

ContentLentilWeaver · 10/05/2020 21:43

In your position, if your mum was happy with it, I'd be asking her to look after him for a few hours a day so you can rest and work. I've been in your position without lockdown and fell apart. It's alright to look after yourself and your mental health in this way.

sqirrelfriends · 10/05/2020 21:44

I just re-read one of your posts and saw that you're working as well, something definitely has to give.

18 months is a hard age (it was for me anyway) and I don't think I could have gotten this far into lockdown without help - you've done so well to do this for almost 2 months.

DidoLamenting · 10/05/2020 21:49

Every person you see, sees other people - so you go to the supermarket, the corner shop, pass the the neighbour, pass too close to a couple of runners ... all a risk. (Say 15 people in a week)

The other person does the same - but with different people

Then you meet up and your risk is now from 30 people ... not 1

But that applies to my husband and I. To get a break from each other we go out to exercise and to the shops separately.

YinMnBlue · 10/05/2020 21:51

incrediblysadtoo - in a household of 4 people they each could be having those encounters every day.

If the OP's Mum shopped for all of them , they cut their risk down.

OP: if your Mum has been observing social distancing, and is not a key worker / going to work with others etc, then I would ask your Mum to take your little one out for the afternoon, or come over and mind your Ds.

I have been really hot on observing the rules but single parents are in an incredibly difficult situation. Give yourself a break.

carolinasm · 10/05/2020 21:54

Your mental health is more important. And if both of you have been isolating, I don't see a problem. You need the help.

Haffiana · 10/05/2020 21:54

"Seriously, what is the increased risk of a person living in a single residence household solely mixing with another person living in a single person residence?"

It's hard to believe that 7 weeks on this still needs explaining...

Every person you see, sees other people - so you go to the supermarket, the corner shop, pass the the neighbour, pass too close to a couple of runners ... all a risk. (Say 15 people in a week)

The other person does the same - but with different people

Then you meet up and your risk is now from 30 people ... not 1.

This is a meaningless and silly 'explanation'. It is EXACTLY THE SAME if 2 people live in one house.

OP, if you and your mum are both single people living alone in nearby small houses, then I cannot see any reason why you cannot become a single household. Just because your bedrooms are further apart than usual doesn't change anything.

It is very comparable to the 'one household' example of DC moving from one parent's house to another parent's house where parents are separated, except in your case it is far safer.

YinMnBlue · 10/05/2020 21:54

If you were my daughter and had been following the rules up until now and I had also been following the rules I would do a risk assessment and work on the principle that we were one household spread between 2 properties. And I would be there for you

This.

Parents who are key workers are leaving their children in nurseries and schools. As a single parent worker with no childcare, I don't see why you can't have your child mix with one adult who is otherwise socially distancing.

Healthyandhappy · 10/05/2020 21:55

My kids went in mil hot tub sat fresh water and all clean as hot tub is theirs lol we socially distanced in garden. I'm dropping them of their on sat while i go food shopping and will distance her self in garden

lilgreen · 10/05/2020 21:59

I’d go and chat outside her house at 2m when you’re passing for exercise. Can’t see how that’s an issue.

Annamaria14 · 10/05/2020 22:04

Just see her!

Annamaria14 · 10/05/2020 22:04

Why aren't you talking to her outside from the street, at least.

You can do that

EinsteinaGogo · 10/05/2020 22:05

OP - if you substitute your mum here for your ex, in this story. it would be completely within the guidelines for your son to go between both households, stay overnight / for days and to have access etc.

The guidelines are not entirely logical. There is no greater risk to any of the three of you here than that scenario.

Don't make life harder than it needs to be if you are both meticulous about hygiene and other interactions.

Sandybval · 10/05/2020 22:05

Is your mum vulnerable? If not then go and see her. You can see people in a caring capacity, and it sounds like you really need some support.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 10/05/2020 22:05

@IncrediblySadToo - you haven't answered how the OP's DM moving in and sharing one household (allowed) is less risky than her DM going back to sleep in her own home due to lack of spare bed at the OP's house, but living as one household in the day.

Because it's not clear, even though you think it is. If they live as one household in the day and the DM walks home to sleep, this is no bigger risk than the DM moving in.

OP - in your situation, that's what I'd do, say you and your Mum are one household, just with sleeping elsewhere. Something needs to give and if you were wealthy enough to afford a property with a guest room, this wouldn't be an issue.

midlifecrash · 10/05/2020 22:08

If your mum was ill and struggling, you'd be allowed to go and help her. is she going out to work? Could she come and help for a bit, taking all precautions, as PPs have said?

DesertSky · 10/05/2020 22:10

Hi lovely. My mum lives on her own and is my only family nearby. For the past few weeks we’ve done her shopping for her (as I haven’t wanted her to risk shops) and I’ve dropped it off outside her door. I then have stood several metres back down her path and had a chat with her collecting her shopping. It’s made so much difference just being able to see her a face and for her she so looks forward to our weekly chat, as she has found it hard being alone as she’s such a socialite! Do you think you could do similar?

midlifecrash · 10/05/2020 22:10

a bit of each day i mean, i understand that she can't move in

DidoLamenting · 10/05/2020 22:10

OP could your mother sleep in the living room at your house? Or you sleep in the living room at hers? These are desperate times- you don't need 2 bedrooms.

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