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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sensitive about this?

73 replies

newy · 18/09/2007 12:48

Hello all. A family member has just had a baby and the email that was sent by her mother was along the lines of 'she only had gas and air and no stitches - I'm sure all you ladies will appreciate how significant this is' it has also been hailed as 'a real achievement' and new mum said it was because she did all her exercises. I had a baby a couple of months ago and ended up with ventouse delivery and lots of stitches. Feel like I am being told she has done better than me.
Wasn't bothered about my birth before but now feel a bit of a failure.
Would like to say my baby was 2.5lb heavier.
Also worried this is the start of competitiveness re the babies.

OP posts:
DANCESwithTheMorningOff · 18/09/2007 12:54

I think you are being overly sensitive but it is completely understandable. Don't forget it's her mother doing the 'boasting' not her and we all know we can't be held accountable for the actions of our mothers At the end of the day we have the births we have and as long as you have a healthy baby at the end of if...who cares! (speaking as someone who has had two caesarians)
Don't feel like a failure, you grew and gave birth to a wonderful baby so give yourself a big slap on the back and have some chocolate.

fireflyfairy2 · 18/09/2007 12:54

I wouldn't worry... with my first I had ventouse & forceps & stiches..

The girl in the next bed had no stitches, no nothing! AND her baby was far heavier than mine!! After a day or two chatting (with another lady who had to have an emergency section) we nicknames her bucket fanny..which seemed to please her greatly

DANCESwithTheMorningOff · 18/09/2007 12:54

Oh and 2 1/2lbs heavier you definitely have nothing to feel a failure about!

Bouncingturtle · 18/09/2007 12:55

YANBU - smug cow!!!!
Take no notice!!
Maybe her next one will be the labour from hell

Twiglett · 18/09/2007 12:56

last line is right

yes you're being overly sensitive she's just a proud grandma

ventouse and stitches not a failure .. any birth is not a failure .. I had 2 c-sections .. did I fail? .. you know past post-natal groups nobody cares less how you gave birth

people find weird things to be proud of

wait till new mum has another child and totally different experience .. 'cos I did my exercises' what a giggle

sallysparrow · 18/09/2007 12:59

That is so sad - how many women have spent their entire pregnancy doing ex, massaging their bump and perineum, drinking raspberry tea and going to every class going, only to get an emergency CS? While the woman down the road eats crap, smokes and drinks, avoids all classes and hers pops out in 20 minutes.

Its just luck and probably genetics.

Ignore if you can - they obviously want something to boast about!

MaureenMLove · 18/09/2007 13:00

Bless her! Is it her first baby? I take it that since she's 'done her exercises', she'll have read all the books too and find parenthood a breeze! Can't wait for her to fall on her arse like the rest of us!

fedupwasherwoman · 18/09/2007 13:04

2.5lb is a huge difference in size so stop feeling like a failure this instant !

Opt out of discussions that could turn competitive and adopt a dreamy "oh I'm not sure when baby did that, they all develop in their own time don't they ?" attitude.

If you want to turn the situation round enquire as to why the family member has produced a much smaller baby.

My SIL's baby had a very small head compared to my 2 which were 39cm and 40cm and she had an easier labour than a lot of mums but then there was an article published saying that babies with larger heads go on to be brainier (more intelligent) so you can't win can you ?

Really though, all babies are different and all women's bodies are too so no labour is going to be identical. If new mum is sure she had an easy time because she did all her exercises she must be living in cloud cukooo land and may find things harder when the early months of babyhood aren't easy as to control by just following a set of guidelines.

I think "Granny" is just being a bit over enthusiastic in supporting her daughter which is nice in one way but I can see how it could be irritating and competitive. I favour the opting out and appearing vague about things approach myself, some family members even wonder how I hold down a responsible job as I "always seem to have my head in the clouds" apparently.

law3 · 18/09/2007 13:05

Hi, I had the lot, gas and air, epidural, whatever was going, my ds was eventually born by vacuum delivery, lots of stitches and he was my 3rd, its nothing to be ashamed off. I was in labour for 28 hours. She may have had a straight forward, shorter labour than you.

I would have been tempted to reply with congratulations, ive heard women who are bigger built have no problems!!!

Giving birth is the easy bit, weve all done it.

Original poster
newy · 18/09/2007 13:07

Thanks for your comments! They have cheered me up at least!
Fairy, it must be cos I have 'neat' bits! Although now a little embroidered..
I do get on well with her mum so I don't think she was saying it to be nasty. My mum ws baffled as to why anyone wouldn't have an epidural
I don't think having forceps, csections etc is any type of failure so hope no-one was offended by this. TBF I (and my mum) did boast about my massive baby so perhaps we do all need something to boast about.
Did I also mention she's already thinner than me and her baby is ONE WEEK old!

OP posts:
rosierooster · 18/09/2007 13:08

Tell her it's all bollox she is just lucky - I did everything as the text books advised and still ended up with a op baby, forceps delivery, giant pile and millions of stitches. My sister didn't read a thing and didn't prepare herself in anyway and had g and a and no stitches. My son was 7 10 hers 4 12!

OrmIrian · 18/09/2007 13:08

Don't worry about it. A little insenitive maybe but I suppose the writer wasn't thinking about you when he/she wrote it. If it helps at all, I had 3 huge babies with the minimum of problems and after DB's second child was born he told everyone 'oh * really went through it. She had a really really bad time'. Which instantly made me feel belittled, as if I hadn't So it works both ways.

rosierooster · 18/09/2007 13:09

Oh and for the record we both thought the whole experience sucked and are terrified of going through it all again!

Original poster
newy · 18/09/2007 13:09

Washer woman, my ds had a head like a football! He will rule the world!

OP posts:
geekymummy · 18/09/2007 13:10

Don't feel a failure! I had my daughter via ventouse and episiotomy 6 months ago, I had my heart set on a natural birth at a birth centre. Your baby is still a blessing

As for competitiveness, that can be knocked on the head - realise that you're securely in love with your child that you don't feel the need to pit one against another.

Edmund37 · 18/09/2007 13:12

I totally agree that any labour should never been seen a a failure - we all like to compare notes on experience, but blimey - you've brought a new life into the world, who cares if the woman in the next bed did it quicker/easier/straight forward - the fact is you did it, and you should be incredibly proud of yourself

Blu · 18/09/2007 13:12

It's a grandmother who is so relieved that her dd came through it all with no complications that she has lost sight of her social inhibitions.

tbh I am apalled by the way childbirth seems to give all and sundry the right to talk and ask questions about other people's vaginas! When I got back to work I was clearly expected to 'tell' on the gynaecological aspects of the birth - no-one else's damn business, so I didn't! (I would talk about it to other post or pre natal Mums, in context, but not over coffee at work!)

Honestly, the days of New Baby cards that say "*are proud to announce the arrival of baby Fred weighing in at 3.4kg, Mum had 27 stitches and did a poo in the birth pool" are not far off, you mark my words!

prettybird · 18/09/2007 13:14

Ignore ignore!

Don't let yuorself get sucked in - and feeling upset is that start of that process.

Just smile and say you are proud of your baby - and that every birth experience is different - as is every baby.

FWIW - I did all my exercises, plus the perineal massage, and still ended up with mid cavity dorceps (ie the baby was stuck quite high up) and ended up with both an episiotomy and a tear. But these things happen. The fact that ds was 8lb15oz probably didn't help either.

Put it down to a (mad) prooud grandmother moment.

Original poster
newy · 18/09/2007 13:15

My dad asked me the other day if I was 'all healed up down there' I nearly died

OP posts:
LowFat · 18/09/2007 13:15

I would reply saying

'Wow really lucky she had a nice easy labour then - obviously the word 'labour' does not actually apply in her case for me it was a lot of hard work, but totally worth it, cant remember the pain now anyway!'

Make light of it to the smug granny and remind her it's not so much an achievement of the mothers as the luck of the drawer - although she'll go on belieiving what she wants anyway.

bigspender30 · 18/09/2007 13:19

Rise above it and remind yourself of the beautiful baby you delivered. Do not get sucked in to the competitive baby syndrome!( not that you would but its easy done).

hotcrossbunny · 18/09/2007 13:23

My grandmother told me 'there are cart horses and there are racehorses. You are obviously a racehorse ' after she heard I'd had a tough time. A bit but cheered me up no end... All my young trendy cousins had popped them out and I was feeling really down.

2shoes · 18/09/2007 15:28

yanbu she was just bloody lucky.(says a forceps/cut/ then stitches,,,,,,,,on and SBU for no 2)

fireflyfairy2 · 18/09/2007 15:39

Nothing more to add but @ Blu!

D'ya think there's a market for those birth announcement cards?

~Jane & John are proud to announce the birth of baby Jack. 9lb 10oz. A huge well done to Jane who managed until the 12th hour without gas, even when screaming for an epidural, whilst John gently reminded her of their birth plan. Jane is now fully recovered, after 23 stitches & a large amount of bruising from the failed ventouse & the eventual use of forceps.~

stleger · 18/09/2007 15:55

I had an interesting delivery with ds - I only had gas and air, but had episitomy, 3rd degree tear and ventouse... However, I have never got over the local mum who had 'nothing' thanks to her being a flautist and therefore being able to do her breathing exercises properly!