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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sensitive about this?

73 replies

newy · 18/09/2007 12:48

Hello all. A family member has just had a baby and the email that was sent by her mother was along the lines of 'she only had gas and air and no stitches - I'm sure all you ladies will appreciate how significant this is' it has also been hailed as 'a real achievement' and new mum said it was because she did all her exercises. I had a baby a couple of months ago and ended up with ventouse delivery and lots of stitches. Feel like I am being told she has done better than me.
Wasn't bothered about my birth before but now feel a bit of a failure.
Would like to say my baby was 2.5lb heavier.
Also worried this is the start of competitiveness re the babies.

OP posts:
stleger · 18/09/2007 15:56

I'd love to receive the honest card ff!

Habbibu · 18/09/2007 16:07

fff2 - you'd also have to say how John's broken nose was doing...

fedupwasherwoman · 18/09/2007 16:13

PMSL at the "flautist" comment.

Would she have coped even better if she had been a tuba player, or is the size of the wind instrument not as important as fanny size ?

stleger · 18/09/2007 16:19

Why can you never think of the right reply at the right time...

kickassangel · 18/09/2007 16:37

hm, i was a flautist but had 11 days of labour & emergency c-section.
what would you call the opposite of a bucket fanny? perhaps tha's what i've got?

curiouscat · 18/09/2007 16:42

Yes, my MIL rang me up to tell me about my tall skinny smoking SIL's new week old baby and she says "and I'm sorry to tell you, she(SIL)'s wearing her normal jeans already." Oh ok, so at leas I know I'm the fat ugly daughter in law then...

crokky · 18/09/2007 17:01

I think that everyone's experience of childbirth is different. People experience widely varying amounts of pain and all sorts of different circumstances and really all that matters in the end is that mum and baby are OK at the end of it all. It is rather ignorant of them to think that one woman is better than the next woman because of the amount of pain relief she had/did not have or what the delivery ended up as!

Newy, you are far from a failure and you should not feel in the slightest bit bothered about your birth!!! This mother should be bothered about her lack of tact, though.

WinkyWinkola · 18/09/2007 17:04

I wasn't aware there was a competition between women as to how easily they have their babies?

Well done to you, Newy. You delivered a lovely baby. And well done to your family member too. Don't feel like a failure! If your kid ends up a big school bully and tortures puppies for fun, then you can feel like a failure.

The birth is just the beginning! If you've failed already, well I don't reckon your chances for the rest that's waiting for you.

fedupwasherwoman · 18/09/2007 17:04

Oh yes, both of my SILs have dropped back to their original size, I'm carrying the extra baby weight for all of us I think.

hertsnessex · 18/09/2007 18:21

Newy,

Did all her 'exercises' ha!!!!!

I would reply with something along the lines of:

"Wow, congratulations to her, I do hope the baby is doing well and she finds motherhood as easy as her labour, I have lots of newborn clothes that I never got to use on XX as he was so big, if you would like them please let me know"

but then agian, this is a bug bear of mine - you can do all the 'prep' in the world - and no one can tell you what your labour is going to be like.

Everyone is different and its certainly not down to how well you 'cope' as to whether you have an Epidural etc, everyones 'pain' is different and affects ppl in different ways.

The babies position has a big part to play in this, and if the head is slightly flexed, a larger part of the head is coming out first - and no one can do anything to change that as the first sign is when the heads nearly out.

p.s. i had a 3rd deg tear with my ds1 5lb 12oz, and with ds2 not a graze, he was just under 8lb.

xxx

Original poster
newy · 18/09/2007 19:48

Sympathies with the 3rd degree tear. I had an episiotomy but still ended up with a 3rd degree tear. I've been told I have to have some sort of scan if I get pregnant again to see if I have to have a cs to prevent 'permanent damage' Not sure what they are scanning - something 'down there' I think.
Baby was 9lb 5oz. I know a couple of people who have had bigger 1st borns though.

OP posts:
Original poster
newy · 18/09/2007 19:51

Have tried to put photo of big baby with big head (housing big brain) on my info thingy but not sure if its worked.

OP posts:
hertsnessex · 18/09/2007 22:54

Newy, check out my profile...... love the pic of S................Hope you are all doing v well!

Cxxxx

p.s. reasons for scan????.......

hertsnessex · 18/09/2007 22:55

p.s. he def has a big brain. v clever little boy i reckon.

xx

arfishy · 19/09/2007 00:05

Aw newy he's gorgeous . I'm also loving the fact that you are a nurse and are sprinkling your conversation with complicated biological terms like 'down there'

Anyhoo, I always find that smugness comes back to haunt. She might have had a birth with minimal interventions due to bucket fanny, but then I guarantee they'll have her in stirrups within about 3 minutes of arriving at hospital next time. Mark my words.

Original poster
newy · 19/09/2007 09:36

Ha, Ha - I am a medical dictionary. Still squeamish about my own bits I'm afraid though not about other peoples!
The scan, apparently is to do with the bad 3rd degree tear. I was told if I had another one I might end up with permanent damage I think the scan is of my perineum (aggghhh) but no-one really said, it was all a bit cryptic.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 19/09/2007 09:40

I had forceps delivery with queen-sized episiotomy and stitches first time round.

Second time, only a 'graze'.

Guess which hurt more?

snoozer · 19/09/2007 10:14

I really don't get this heirarchy of delivery methods.

I had an epidural and never thought that I'd have anything less than an epidural. I have no shame about this at all. When I tell some people that I had one they are surprised that I'm not apologetic and that I don't have some long story justifying why I didn't just try gas and air and breathing. I know epidurals aren't for everyone and I couldn't care less what pain relief other women choose to use or not use, but I honestly don't get why some consider it virtuous to suffer through childbirth.

Oh, I also had ventouse, stitches etc etc. It completely baffles me why someone should feel inferior because of that.

(Ditto on how big your baby is...)

stleger · 19/09/2007 14:15

That is a lovely baby! Of course in the world of old bats like me, we don't want to know about easy deliveries. We like to fold our arms and mouth 'terrible mess down there'. Then we can move on to our own 'operations'!

Original poster
newy · 19/09/2007 15:25

Hertsnessex - didn't realise it was you! How did you guess it was me I wonder! Love the pics, saw you in the mag, they are so cute.
Can't help feeling broody for another but think i will have to hold off for a while -tell me how bad the 1st 6 months were again??

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 19/09/2007 15:27

i had a birth the same as your family member. i didn't regard it as more of a success as my friend who delivered the day before me by c-section. i felt lucky i hadn't had to go through all that but not superior. all births are different and sometimes no amount of preparing yourself makes a difference. i did no preparation and still ended up with an easyish birth. its just how things are sometimes.

maybe she'll end up with the devil child and yours will be an angel

Charlee · 19/09/2007 15:29

If it helps.

My first delivery i had every painkilling drug under the sun, i was totally out of it and ended up with a 4th degree tear and loads of stitches.

Second delivery i had nothing at all and no stitches and i can truly say both my babies are equally as lovely and i feel proud of myself for each one.

Don't beat yourself up about it, you carried and birthed your baby as well as anyone else in the owrd, labour can be one of the hardest things a woman has to do so however you do it you should feel proud.

SpawnChorus · 19/09/2007 15:35

Understandable for you to feel miffed. Tactless of the (grand)mother.

On the flip side of the coin, DH was immensely proud that I pushed a 10lb 9oz baby out with gas and air. He delights in telling people how DS shot out. Outwardly I smile, but inwardly I think people probably wonder if I've got a fanjo the size of a bucket.

Chickhick · 19/09/2007 15:37

Agree with Twig. My boss's wife had a natural birth and my boss was forever going on about how drugs should not be encouraged and women who have c-sections are wimping out (I had a c-section as ds was breech). It used to make me really , on one occasion I said "Imagine trying to squeeze a football out of your bum hole and see if you can cope with gas and air.!"

Try not to get drawn into the whole competitive mother thing. And don't worry when the Aunties start comparing the babies at every milestone which they will do..

fedupwasherwoman · 19/09/2007 15:47

Re the "bucket fanny" description, I was idling away the small hours watching a repeat of "2 pints of lager and a packet of crisps" or whatever the title really is, the other day and Janet referred to having "A chuff like a wizard's sleeve" after giving birth to baby Corinthian.

Assuming chuff to be fanjo I chortled at that one.