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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you like yourself?

96 replies

HateIsNotGood · 10/05/2020 01:58

I do - the 'lockdown' has confirmed to myself that yes, actually I do like myself very much - 'warts' and all. I was never consumed with 'self-hatred' nor [in recent years] to be too cocky about myself.

But yes, loads of extra time with myself, confirms I'm very happy being me.

YANBU - you're happy with being you
YABU - you're not or too pissed off to even consider yourself, etc

OP posts:
TwelveSocks · 10/05/2020 10:01

I don’t know about liking myself. I like that I am happy to be by myself sometimes. I’m happy to just Potter, read, listen to stuff. I have friends and family that I get on with so generally I’m happy with all that.
Does that mean I’m happy with myself?
I hate the way I look and I hate that I am too weak willed to resolve it.
All I need to do is eat less fgs. I hate that I can’t manage that.

Zeusthemoose · 10/05/2020 10:04

Ethelfleda I would say that i feel the same way as you but I've learned that this is my brain, for various reasons, skewing my self perception. In fact I actually like myself a whole lot more now because I acknowledge it's bloody exhausting living with a negative internal monologue but I still keep fighting it and moving forward albeit at a slower pace and with small victories that noone else would ever notice.

Have you tried CBT? It has really helped me and also as other posters have said please try to be kind to yourself. It sounds like such a cliché but it's true. We are all human and flawed. Nobody is perfect so don't judge yourself so harshly. Flowers

ThatsWhatHeroesDo · 10/05/2020 10:06

How can we expect others to like/love us if we don't ourselves? I don't expect that others will like or love me. It surprises me that they do and I don't expect it to last.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 10/05/2020 10:10

Yes, I do. At the end of each day, I look hard at myself in the mirror and see if there's anything about that day that's caused me to doubt that in any way. I know immediately. If I look down, and can't look myself in the eye, then I didn't get it quite right. And when that happens ..... I strive to do better the next day.

I'm 53 and liking myself is a relatively recent phenomenon: from late 40s ish Smile

Fluffymulletstyle · 10/05/2020 10:20

I would say on the surface, yes I like myself. Underneath though is a deeper feeling of shame and I adequacy which flares when I am stressed.

I don't think it helps that I work with very confident, capable and assertive people. Imposter syndrome stalks me.

Didthatreallyhappen2 · 10/05/2020 10:23

Yes I do. I try to be cheerful, never knowingly upset people, try to do my best and have been very fortunate to find a lovely bunch of friends that have seen me through thick and thin. I feel very lucky.

RedPanda2 · 10/05/2020 10:26

Yes I do. I don't like myself all the time, but mostly yes. Taken years of work and also understanding that everyone does things they may question later in life.

chillichutneysarnie · 10/05/2020 10:54

No and when my DH asked me the same question the other day I burst into tears, as I'd never really considered it before but I knew immediately the answer was 100% no. I've been really feeling useless at work recently, it's a new-ish job and every day is a learning curve and feels like a battle. Every day I write a modest list of what I'll achieve that day and I never ever achieve it no matter how hard I try. So it's a constant beating myself up, not to mention the long list of things I don't achieve at home as well - unfinished projects, buying things and never using them, not getting enough exercise, etc etc. I don't even have kids yet so this inability to get stuff done makes me feel even worse because I know there are women out there who can juggle all that as well ☹️

Qgardens · 10/05/2020 11:00

Yes, warts and all.

OhioOhioOhio · 10/05/2020 11:27

Mereum

Exactly that.

Ughmaybenot · 10/05/2020 11:29

I do like myself, very much. I’m warm and I make people laugh, and I try to help people wherever I can. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve hurt people in the past, but I do my best to put it right, and overall I have a good heart.

Jjcrackers · 10/05/2020 14:42

I am struggling through perimenopause and have found it harder to control my inner thoughts - especially in lockdown. I feel like I have turned into a horrible judgemental person in lockdown which is at odds with the happier, open-minded person I used to be. I feel like every message I reply to on WhatsApp exposes this. I feel like I don't fit in with any of my friends groups. I feel like nobody really likes me. I can't switch my negative thoughts off. And I don't like myself

ToLiveInPeace · 10/05/2020 14:48

I like myself when I'm on my own, so the lockdown is great when I'm not in sodding Zoom meetings. Around other people, I feel dull and annoying and awkward. I'm only great company for me (and lovely DH, bless him).

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 10/05/2020 14:59

Yes

VickyEadieofThigh · 10/05/2020 15:05

I piss myself off on a regular basis. My ability to open my gob and say the wrong thing is staggering. My inability to let things go makes me really want to smack myself in the face.

This comment by Ethelfleda resonated with me: "On nearly a daily basis, my brain likes to remind me of random incidents where I have said or done the wrong thing or embarrassed myself in front of others and I dwell on it massively."

thegreenlight · 10/05/2020 15:17

Fucking hate myself - starting therapy on Monday as have finally come to the conclusion it may be a mental issue and not just the truth. Lockdown and struggle in all areas of my life (mother, wife, daughter, friend, work) bought me close to crisis point. I will hopefully leave lockdown a happier person though.

thegreenlight · 10/05/2020 15:19

ThatsWhatHeroesDo I feel the same Flowers

Bloodybridget · 10/05/2020 15:20

I like myself enough. Not as much as I like some other people! I am aware of my faults.

lokoho · 10/05/2020 15:24

Yes, I like myself and enjoy my own company.

In the past I struggled with self loathing. I conquered it by extending to myself the same generosity, compassion, and understanding I could easily offer to other people.

I don't hate other people for saying something a bit wanky or pompous every now and again, so why would I hate myself for it. I don't despise the fat, or the wonky of nose - those aren't my values. My self loathing was a kind of self importance that I don't want to uphold and was hurting me. So I stopped doing it and now I try to be more honest about what I really want from other people and from myself.

It takes practice if it doesn't come naturally, I think. But it's possible.

opticaldelusion · 10/05/2020 15:25

Yep. You are what you are and the sooner you accept that, the happier you'll be.

Not easy for many though. Inadequate care-givers when a child is young have a lot to answer for. I guess it keeps therapists in business though...

Ethelfleda · 10/05/2020 15:52

Inadequate care-givers when a child is young have a lot to answer for

In my situation, this is a massive part of why I am the way I am. A parent that constantly told me I was stupid and made me feel not worth bothering with.
I tie myself in knots to try to parent DS (2.5 yo) in a different way.

CharDeeMacDennis · 10/05/2020 16:46

I don't hate myself. In fact, I can't really get my head around the notion. How could I hate me. Like a logic problem, almost.

I mean, my legs aren't pretty. I noticed aged 11 that I didn't have smooth skin on them like everyone else (think it's keratosis pilaris or similar), and I never bare them, but I don't hate them, they're just my legs. I have a biggish nose and my face is asymmetric, but again, I don't hate them and I would never want surgery to change them, no way.

I'm crap at talking to people, sometimes say the wrong thing and suspect that people sometimes find me odd, but again, I don't hate myself over it.

I suppose I just think I'm OK is what it comes down to. I'm pretty comfortable in myself.

Interesting thread.

Sparklesocks · 10/05/2020 17:06

Mostly yes. It’s been a bit of a journey, I probably wouldn’t have said the same in my 20s - and I do drive myself mad sometimes Grin but overall I am happy with who I am.

hellopurple · 10/05/2020 17:46

Hate myself.

After any social interaction I analyse everything I might have said or done in minute detail and assume I was unlikeable/unintelligent/pathetic.

On the surface I come across as a really bubbly, happy and outgoing person but really I am introverted and the thought of seeing people often brings me to panic. I've been far too comfortable in social isolation.

Physically I am aware I am attractive(ish) but hate my body. It's failed to hold any pregnancy despite lots of IVF and it looks nothing like it used to.

Never ever feel good enough or believe anything nice that anybody says to me.

Would welcome thoughts on any good books with this. I do have counselling which helps to some extent.

AtTheFootOfTheHill · 10/05/2020 17:54

The books that helped are a good suggestion.

I think the first book that made me behave in a better way (ie, aware of how I was playing out when I felt threatened or insecure) was ''A woman in your own right by Anne Dickson''''

A book that brought me comfort after years of getting depressed about the patriarchy was The Heroine's journey by Maureen Burdock (although there were things in there I didn't agree with).

Everything by James Hollis, everything by Carol S Pearson and everything by Jean Shinoda Bolan (for women approaching 50, essential!)

Listening to Aristotle's Way by Edith Hall and also An Emotional Education by Alain de boton on Audible. Nearly finished Aristotle's way, it is something I'll listen to again.

I don't know if that book would have made me like myself 13 years ago when I was in the gutter emotionally but after a decade of trying to silence my critical inner voices, it's a book that simplifies being a good person. Just get on with it to paraphrase marcus aureius and for me now, trying to identify values and acting within those, consistently even if I'm stressed or scared or threatened, that does really make me like myself. But first you have to know what your values are and who you are trying to 'be'.