to think selfish people just don't realise they're selfish

[chomalungma]

Because otherwise why would people act in a selfish way?

And yes - I am talking about loud music in the garden. Are people just oblivious to their actions and how they affect others?

Maybe they just don't give a shit?

I wonder how people become selfish.

Isawamagpie honestly? Yes, I would be pissed off if I was your neighbour. Your son not really, kids talking to themselves can be kind of cute, and easily blocked out with some headphones if it was annoying. But your music - why would your neighbours want to hear your music all day? Does not having music on somehow prevent you from enjoying your garden? No? Then why do you need it? And why can't you just listen to it on headphones if you desperately need music?

If your neighbours all sides played their music at the same volume you played yours, would you be able to hear yours well? Would your garden be as nice and relaxing if four different songs were be played in competition? Of course not. So why are you the one that deserves to inflict your choice on everyone else?
Same to nameofchanges btw

And there is nothing more annoying than a loud dog constantly barking when you don't have dogs yourself and are trying to WFH or relax. Do you honestly think that your dog is the only one who isn't getting as much exercise as normal? Because he's not. But good dog owners train them not to bark so much. Because it's fucking annoying! And if it's loud enough to irritate you, who chose to have the dog, then it is definitely annoying your neighbours, who didn't.

"Unfortunately, lockdown is making it very difficult for everyone"
Some people are making it even worse. Having dickhead neighbours can take a situation from difficult but bearable to unbearable pretty quickly.

It's not the way she was parented at all, as she has a sibling who has always been fiercely independent from a young age and reluctant to accept any offered help at all.

Can be though. the person I'm thinking of has siblings that are not like that at all. However when they start on "everyone thinks that my taste is the best" the family just shrug and say "oh that's the way they are." I have strong suspicions that if they'd been sat on heavily as a child for being selfish/thoughtless rather than it being just considered "the way they are" then they'd be a nicer person to know and not like that at all.

Good point. A lot of heartache can be caused (to the person themselves and to others) with the attitude that 'that's just how they are' when it's really just bad behaviour that is being enabled.

Being selfish is simply putting your needs before others and we are ALL guilty of that. It’s human nature to ensure we survive.

Of course there are degrees of selfishness and what’s selfish to some is not to others. Playing music loudly is selfish to some as is letting children play loudly in the garden. If it annoys you that much let them know, but then maybe you are being selfish for putting your needs above theirs!

"Everyone is innately selfish. Unless you recognise your own selfish traits and think of others then you are probably seen as selfish too. We all are, at least to some extent."

I've become more selfish as time has gone on. I've realised nobody is going to look after me except myself. As a child, I thought if I was a good person, I'd be rewarded in some way (yes, still selfish in a way I know). I became more selfish when I realised it doesn't work that way.

Selfish people don't see their behaviour as selfish. That's just the thing. I had a protracted argument with DH about cutting the end off a cake to eat the soft middle bit. We joked (mr through gritted teeth) about his reasoning that "the middle is the best bit". My point being that we'd all like the bit we consider best but you all have to take your bit of slightly drier edge cake (only slightly, I do make nice cake but I digress). He really didn't get that his need to have the piece he wanted was an issue. And therein lies the issue.

Playing music loudly is just selfish to some? Really? So there are people who are happy to hear the music genre they hate being played loudly every time they go out in the garden. Doubt it!

Whoever thinks it's OK, just imagine a list of songs you hate being played loudly every time you go in your garden. It would be hell !

I can't believe anyone would think it's OK

They don't call it selfish. They make excuses or they think 'but that doesn't apply to me, I'm SPECIAL'.

I think that selfish people also don't see that other people are less selfish and make compromises. They think everyone is going through life doing exactly what they want.

He really didn't get that his need to have the piece he wanted was an issue.

I think that most of us would choose the best/biggest/latest-dated in a shop etc, when we're up against unknown others (or the bin, if nobody else buys it in time, so the best one ends up chucked away). In theory. it might be kinder to choose the one dated BBE/use by today if you know that you definitely want to eat it today anyway, to give the shop longer to sell the others and subsequent purchasers more opportunity to use it; however some people just don't seem able to extend that thinking to their own families or friend-groups.

I suppose there are two sub-sections of selfishness: one where 'I will get the best for me first, because otherwise you might get it and I will miss out'; and the other where 'I want the best - who doesn't?! - so I will simply take it and not even consider that my taking it means that somebody else loses out on it'.

I am always amazed at the way some people live their lives completely oblivious to others and common decency. People who play music or videos out loud on their phones on public transport, people who talk so loudly into their phones you can hear every word streets away, all the people I saw yesterday not even trying to social distance as they walk down the street and over the huge ‘2 metres’ someone has painted on the ground, my neighbours who let their young children scream relentlessly in the garden for hours and don’t make any attempt to quiet them down or entertain them so they don’t screech. I can never tell if some people are selfish, self absorbed or just utterly thick.

What is the difference between a loudspeaker and a speaker

I guess the volume.

There is a volume that you can hear perfectly fine in the garden and then there is a volume that you can hear 50m away.

I think that selfish people also don't see that other people are less selfish and make compromises. They think everyone is going through life doing exactly what they want.

Yes, exactly. You obviously can't share their preference for the softer bit of cake, otherwise you would already have taken it for yourself. It's heartbreaking when you make a big sacrifice out of love for somebody - not wanting a big fanfare, but just a brief 'thanks' - and they might even think they're doing you a favour by 'taking it off your hands if you don't want it' or similar.

If people assume that everybody is as selfish as they are and 'looks out for number one', it wouldn't occur to them that you've deliberately done them a kindness.

Not quite the same thing, I know (and likely more foolish rather than considerate), but I read about an election somewhere a long time ago (presumably not a secret ballot - possibly in the US) where there were two close-run candidates and candidate A thought it would be a courteous gesture to openly cast his own vote for Candidate B. Candidate B didn't see the need to reciprocate - and he won by one vote.

It depends on context. I would say I’m pretty selfish in lots of ways, especially from a macro perspective. I’d do anything for my friends and family and others I care about. I’d never be inconsiderate as to play music loudly out of consideration for neighbours all of whom I get on well with.
But in other areas, such as taking lots of flights when I am cognisant of the damage to the environment, then I’m very selfish and I care far more about my family having lots of nice holidays abroad than the environment.
Or to send my kids to private school because I want to give them every possible advantage to succeed in life over others, you could argue that that too is selfish. Point is, I put the needs of my own family and friends above the greater good. Which is fundamentally selfish.

Isn't it also selfish to insist other people don't do things that impact on your life, just because you don't like it?

I’m not sure. When we moved into our house the neighbours sent a “new home” card and apologised for being noisy and the dog barking. Literally on the day we moved in.

They are noisy and the dog barks incessantly almost all day, everyday. They lock it in the garden when they go out.

The walls shake with their music and before I even mentioned it the neighbour caught me on the drive and said “Sorry our music is loud, I think it’s because the speakers are against your wall.”

So they absolutely know their noise is unreasonable. They know we have two children. They obviously just think their music is more important than our sanity.

We’re selling the house.

I had to move a few years ago because of neighbours playing music in their garden every day, it made my life unbearable, selfish and nasty people.

Our house is going on the market for this very reason. They have been a pain in the backside for years, but didn't want to move when dd was doing exams.

It has progressed from hot tub garden parties to street parties.

I am worried about noisy neighbours again though.

It’s true they don’t know

And there is nothing more annoying than a loud dog constantly barking when you don't have dogs yourself and are trying to WFH or relax. Do you honestly think that your dog is the only one who isn't getting as much exercise as normal? Because he's not. But good dog owners train them not to bark so much. Because it's fucking annoying!

Don’t start bashing dogs, personally I find children WAY more annoying than a dog barking. I have to listen to my upstairs neighbours child bouncing a ball on our celling daily...do you have any idea how loud that is And why does ‘playing a video game’ have to involve constant shouting/swearing and the sounds of an elephant coming through the celling?

Don’t start bashing dogs, personally I find children WAY more annoying than a dog barking.

We have dogs and children. I wouldn’t allow the dog to bark incessantly and neither would I allow the children to shout incessantly all day, everyday.

Isn't it also selfish to insist other people don't do things that impact on your life, just because you don't like it?

So you wouldn't mind music you hate being played at full blast out in your neighbours garden so loudly that you can hear it blaring all afternoon?

Why can't the norm.... quiet.... be allowed?

It's like saying... I love watching Game of Thrones and even though you hate it, I'm going to insist you watch it for 4 hours every Saturday and Sunday.
We do not have to watch something we don't want to. Ditto, we shouldn't have to listen to music we don't want to for hours on end.

If in your garden, wear earplugs, if you're that desperate to listen to your music.

Exactly Roussette. Me and DH rarely use our garden. We find ourselves shouting over next doors music. They also swear, very loudly and the children are at the age where they repeat things. I love sitting out in the garden but it totally spoils it for us.

Ugh I remember the stress of living in a flat with the one above having wooden floors and all day a child rolled things along the floor and bounced balls. It made me ill in the end and I sold up.

If your neighbours are used to a backdrop of music, they might not have considered that not everyone likes to live like that.

Yes, a surprisingly (to me) large number of people just can't abide silence and so I think genuinely think it's doing everyone a favour to blast their music out.