Moving in together and splitting bills - how?!

[Ace56]

DP and I are planning on moving in together in the near future (when it’s possible with the current situation...). We’re in our twenties, no children. I earn slightly more than him, about 4K more per year. This is the first time either of us has lived with a partner, just the 2 of us as a couple and no other housemates etc.

He thinks rent, bills etc should be split proportionately according to income, so I would pay slightly more. I think we should split everything 50/50, as I have done in the past and as is normal for housemates/friends living together. I KNOW living with someone you’re in a relationship with is different to living with a friend/housemate, but I can’t understand why I should be effectively subsidising his living costs when we’re not married and don’t have joint finances? His reasoning is that it wouldn’t be ‘fair’ as he would then have less spending money/for savings than I would. I said that this is true now, when we don’t live together, so what’s the difference? He thinks that when you live together you effectively become a ‘unit’ and so it should be more equal.

In reality, because I don’t earn that much more than him, I know the difference would be minimal if we did split it proportionately. However I think it’s the principle that bothers me. I think it should be 50/50 but you should both live within the lower-earner’s means - ie. if he says he can only afford 600pm for rent, then I can’t expect him to pay more than that, and if I want a more expensive house then he has every right to ask me to subsidise him. But if we both live in a place that he can afford, why do I need to pay more for that? AIBU?

If he can only pay £600pcm, then that's how much he wants to pay. If you want somewhere that costs £700pcm, then you pay the difference.

If he can only pay £600pcm and you find somewhere together for that. Then it should be 50/50. £4K after tax isn't much at all, and over the years, your salaries will change so you'd have to change it every time. If you earned £10k plus that's different.

If he is so pedantic over £4K now, what will happen in the future when you go on maternity leave or part time when the children are small? Will he be happy for you to pay your proportion?

Discuss everything with him before you move in. If he's like this over £4K per year, I think you're going to have money issues for the whole of your relationship.

I think the fairest way is the "three account" system. Both you wages are paid into one joint account and all bills come directly out of this. The leftovers are split 50:50 and paid into your single accounts as your disposable income.

That way all bills are paid and you both have the same disposable income. If you want to jointly build up savings then they can be taken from the joint account before the remains are split.

It’s should be a 50/50 even split.

50/50 even split

I agree with the proportion rule, not 50/50 as that puts lower earners at a financial disadvantage as they are left with less disposable income.

We’ve just moved in together, he was earning around 1/3 of what I earn, but I also have a child. So he was going to pay 1/3 of my utilities and council tax, I wouldn’t take any rent money unless we were married/he was on the mortgage. As it stands the covid situation caused him to lose his job, so he’s now earning £0 so he’s paying £0.

Before children, 50/50 split.

After children if one is taking career time out for child raising - proportional or just pool all money.

But would just say that he sounds pretty funny about money and it might be a red flag to consider.

I agree with your BF that bills should be split proportionately by earning. If the difference in earning was more pronounced and after going 50:50 on the bills you had £1000 left over and he had £100, would you see the problem then? Or do you think it should be 50:50 at any level of earning difference? Do you think women on maternity pay should keep paying 50% even though they're on reduced pay and their dh still on full pay? Or do you see your situation as different because you aren't married?

You'll probably get lots of people telling you 50/50 on this thread, but on almost every thread where the woman is the lower earner then the majority consensus is that it should be proportional to income.

Just be prepared for that.

It really depends on the salaries. If it’s 20k vs 16k then I think proportional is fairer. If it’s 74k vs 70k then 50/50 is fine.

Personally I’d want a man to be paying half of all the costs at the point of moving in. I don’t want to financially support someone.

I’d definitely be seeing this as a red flag. I’ve recently moved in with my DP and he wouldn’t hear of me paying half even though we earn very similar amounts. He sees it as a bonus that he now has less to pay out each month and that we’ll both have more money to save towards the house we plan to buy in about a years time.

Whenever I've lived with a partner we've always split bills proportionate to income so we that we both have the same amount of spare money each month.

I don't think it's fair to live in a relationship-type situation where one partner benefits financially and the other doesn't. If you feel that means you're subsiding him then don't move in together.

Would you want to move in with a partner if it meant you ended up much worse off than they did? So you ended up with £500 free money and they ended up with 2k because they insisted on everything splitting down the middle?

We always did it proportionally. We had our own accounts, but made an account for rent and bills and paid proportionally. Our incomes varied a lot even before kids as we both took time off to study.

I think there is no right or wrong answer here, but I read of so many women on Mumsnet who are struggling to pay their half while on maternity leave while their husband have loads of spending money and savings, it makes me really sick. What would you do if you got too sick to work or were made redundant? Surely it would have to be proportional then?

I agree with your DP.

DH and I still split bills proportionately because neither us of likes the idea of pooling all money or having a joint account. DH earns 3x what I do, so I pay 25% of our joint bills and he pays 75% then we both keep the rest of our disposable income for ourselves. If we were to split things 50:50 then there's no way we could afford the lifestyle we currently live and we're both happy with the arrangement.

Appreciate your situation is slightly different because your incomes aren't that far apart, but at what point do you decide that 50:50 is no longer fair, if the gap widens? And what do you think will be so different once you're married, rather than just living together?

I'd say it's either all one pot or it's two separate pots. It's not pick and choose the bits you fancy i.e. he keeps finances separate but gets the benefits of combining them! The thought of recalculating your contribution every time someone gets a bonus, works overtime or a cost of living increase etc. sounds an uneccesary headache. If you're going into that detail also are you using DISPOSABLE income not just salary, what about pension contributions, debt, student loans etc? Or are you basing it on basic salary?

When I moved in with DH initially we opened a join account and all bills came out of it - 50/50, we probably had a similar disparity in income to you. I earn considerably more than DH now and we still have our separate accounts (his choice) but I voluntarily contribute more to the joint account.

I think it should be proportional at this stage. Once it becomes a family or if you get married (but most important if you have children) it’s a different story. If you decide to make it a long term thing you need to think about having a household pot - everything you each make goes in there to cover bills, rent/mortgage, food, couply things like meals out, gigs, whatever, savings, and then after that whatever is left an equal amount goes back out to personal accounts for each of you to spend as you wish.

We split all bills 50:50. My partner takes home about £600 a month more than me. But pays for running of car. I don't drive. Also tends to pay for any new household goods we need. So recently bought a new TV. See s to work for us.

Before children and/or marriage should be 50:50 split.

Once married/have a child it should be the three pot/joint finances system.

But I agree this is a red flag and maybe you should reconsider this move.

And yes if you insist on 50/50 now would that change if he became the higher earned and the arrangement left you worse off?

What about if you have children? Would you think it fair to pay 50% even though you're only on a maternity income?

Depends what % that 4k extra represents.

20k to 24k is a sizeable difference.
60k to 64k not so much.

The alternative is - your additional salary goes directly into a high interest savings account in your name. This savings account can be used by you both as a couple for, say, a wedding or holidays. If you both marry, this changes to both your names.

Then you are both on the same salary, and all bills are split 50/50.

Sit down now and work out how Much you each need disposable income etc. Then take the lower amount left and look for somewhere which will suit that budget (all bills).

I'd suggest a food account too - so the weekly supermarket shop and agreed weekly takeaway (for example) is included in the main bills. Then any additional (you go for dinner with friends, he buys lunches at work etc) are your own to pay out of the leftover of your own salaries.

It should be joint money from now on. Not his money/bills and your money/bills. You are a couple in one household so everything should be shared with equal rights and responsibilities.

In my experience when it comes to "shares" and mine vs yours money that's where resentment sets in and problems start.

@Turnedouttoes

I don’t understand. Do you mean that you pay less even though you earn the same amount as your partner? That seems more of a red flag to me.

I'd also ask him how he envisages bills working if and when you are on maternity leave and he becomes the higher earner.

We split it based on our wages,
We put 50% of our wages into a joint account, this pays all household bills, food etc.
The other 50% pays for our personal bills such as phone contracts and cars. Whatever we have left at the end of the month we then transfer into our joint savings account for the wedding/honeymoon fund.

Neither of us have extravagant tastes or spend money silly. I suppose we could just put all our money into one pot, although it's nice to feel like I have my own money to buy things.

@Turnedouttoes So you’re happy to pay less than your fair share, but you see the OPs partner paying his fair share a red flag.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Well, surely it would still be proportional.