Moving in together and splitting bills - how?!

[Ace56]

DP and I are planning on moving in together in the near future (when it’s possible with the current situation...). We’re in our twenties, no children. I earn slightly more than him, about 4K more per year. This is the first time either of us has lived with a partner, just the 2 of us as a couple and no other housemates etc.

He thinks rent, bills etc should be split proportionately according to income, so I would pay slightly more. I think we should split everything 50/50, as I have done in the past and as is normal for housemates/friends living together. I KNOW living with someone you’re in a relationship with is different to living with a friend/housemate, but I can’t understand why I should be effectively subsidising his living costs when we’re not married and don’t have joint finances? His reasoning is that it wouldn’t be ‘fair’ as he would then have less spending money/for savings than I would. I said that this is true now, when we don’t live together, so what’s the difference? He thinks that when you live together you effectively become a ‘unit’ and so it should be more equal.

In reality, because I don’t earn that much more than him, I know the difference would be minimal if we did split it proportionately. However I think it’s the principle that bothers me. I think it should be 50/50 but you should both live within the lower-earner’s means - ie. if he says he can only afford 600pm for rent, then I can’t expect him to pay more than that, and if I want a more expensive house then he has every right to ask me to subsidise him. But if we both live in a place that he can afford, why do I need to pay more for that? AIBU?

Both myself and my partner moved in just together over a year ago. He earned slightly more than me at the time but that was never even a consideration. We always agreed it as 50/50 for all shared Bills

I agree 50/50. My DP earns more than me as a rule and doesn't get overtime. I get overtime and keep my money. We split bills/mortgage/childcare 50/50. £4K per year isn't a great difference.

I do agree with the nit picking now maybe a worry and I also wonder if you have kids and go part time if he'll play the 50/50 card then.

OP
The more you post,the more you're coming across as someone who has already decided they're totally right and are only interested in people agreeing with you.

Say his job paying less not being your problem, you subsidising him, comparing it to flatmates in a house share all suggest you're very much of the "I'm alright" mentality. Not everyone would find this attractive.

If you're going down the route of 50/50, not your problem if his job pays less, seeing yourselves as individuals not a team, then you better hope it doesn't bite you in the ass if you decide you want to take the 13 weeks unpaid portion of maternity (after all that's your choice and you choosing to have zero income shouldn't be his problem), you better be prepared to work full time and not expect to go part time after children arrive (after all everything costs the same in life regardless of income so why should he subsidise you staying home if the household would be better off with two working parents both paying 50% of the childcare) and so on.

You can't want 50/50 when you benefit, then expect proportional if and when you benefit.

I now earn way more than my fiance and I really dont mind footing the bill for holidays and new things, well because I can but theres no resentment there and there never will be! I hate this expectation from some where its proportionate to your earnings, if i worked hard enough to earn a bit more than my OH why should I foot more for the Bill's and they may never earn the same or more which make them complacent and never want to earn a decent wage?

We haven't decided exactly yet as still at purchasing stage but I want to pay as close to 50/50 as I can afford as it's the right thing to do (he earns 4x what I earn but has spousal maintenance etc to pay). I suggested he pays for treats, holidays etc instead

If you're already disagreeing on split of bills what's going to happen when one of you uses more loo roll, eats more food etc than the other, you're going to get tied up in knots.

My take home + DH take home=£x
All bills including food budget =£y
We then worked out what % of our overall income the outgoings were and that was the % we each put in. So for example all bills are 48% of everything coming in we each put 48% of our wages into the joint account.

Half of each of your wages into a joint account on payday. Everything to come out of that - use that to work out your affordability for rent etc. So proportional, but fair

I agree with your partner. My ex convinced me to split 50/50 despite him earning 3x what I did. We did, I had very little left over on payday, he suggested going out a lot and holidays then moaned when I couldn't afford it or he had to pay in emergencies eg car breaking down. He was then annoyed I had credit card debt which I had used to pay bills when I was unable to work after a major surgery because he refused to budge from 50/50. If this is someone you want to share your life with, you have to make some sacrifices. Agree with others it is not attractive to be selfish.

It's NOT the same as a flat share and I don't think you would feel the same way if you had the lower income, despite you saying you would. You can't expect to pick and choose when it benefits you.

Yuck, dump him, he’s tight as fuck. Squabbling over your extra 4K.

Proportionally based on income into a joint bank account, and a joint Credit Card for grocery shopping etc.

OH earns around £2k less than me but we have always split it this way - including maternity leave.

We review it every year as other bills, childcare costs etc

50/50
I earn about £50k more a year than my DP, but we split everything equally and pay the same into our joint account for mortgage, bills, entertainment, food.
We each have separate personal accounts and savings.

Somanysocks
Toilet roll rationing. Each sign out a roll at a time to be fair and if with runs out by the end of the week then they better find a solution because it's not the other person's problem if their DP poops so much.

Same for milk. Split it into 2 cartons. If one runs out before the next shop, too bad. No tea, coffee or cereal for you. You can't expect the other partner to subsidise the other's breakfast.

What about a mileage spreadsheet to document who has driven each journey? Journeys could be categorised by personal, joint or household purposes. Each person pays appropriate mileage into the petrol pennies pot.
😃

Always done the 50/50 split. My partner and I have earned more and less than each other over the years so it's always seemed fair.

I think it would be one thing if you were the one suggesting a proportional payment, because you would be the one paying more, but quite another for him to suggest it.

I don't like the sound of him! He wants to benefit from you earning more. Think again about this, OP.

I understand this situation as I've always earned more than my now DH. Since living together all bills and rent/mortgage has been a 50/50 split. We've always lived somewhere where he could afford 50% and there was never any question that's how it would work. The reality is, you earn more, you have more disposable income and that's how it's always been with us. I can afford to treat myself more than he can but why shouldn't I? He completely understands that and I've never heard him say a word about it. Having said that any leftover money each month is put into savings which are joint and I am more than happy in the knowledge that when we paid for things like a new bathroom, it was mainly my money that paid for it, as soon as it hits the savings account it's shared and we discuss how that money is spent together. We certainly didn't combine our savings when we first moved in together though, it all happened quite gradually the more and more we committed- bought a property, got engaged, got married etc. At the end of the day, the priority for anything you earn should be on living expenses and not luxuries. You shouldn't be supplementing his rent and bills when he can absolutely afford them just so he has more disposable income to play with, that's not your responsibility to do unless there is a significant difference in income and therefore ability to spend time together, enjoy evenings out etc. £4K doesn't give you a completely different quality of life and he needs to understand he has to live within this means, same as we all do. It shouldn't be any different you living together or not and as salaries change and so do other life factors then re look at it but for now he's chancing it and I'd have looked at my DH (BF at the time) very differently if he expected that from me when we first moved in.

Jeeeeesus. Can you imagine if a man posted this?

No one would dream of saying 'She's trying to benefit from her boyfriend earning more' if OP was a man saying that he earned more than his girlfriend yet wanted to keep things at a 50/50 split.

I think you're being given a bit of a hard time here OP. There is no sense, IMHO, in comparing a couple who've lived together a while and have a kid or a mortgage together, with your situation. You are more 'testing it out' rather than deciding to be life partners. I think some posters here are confusing quite different situations. My experience was that my Oh paid me rent when he first moved in (lower than market rent but still rent), then when we decided we liked living together we sold my place and bought a place together and we, at that point, paid 50% of all the living costs each. This left me with a little more than him. His parents in that time gave him some money - it was all his, not mine. We were both happy with this. Then we had a child. When I went on mat leave we joined our finances and they've been joined ever since. My take home pay is now twice his and I am happy to consider all money 'joint money' in a way I would not have been when he first moved in. His parents just gave him some money for his birthday. It's quite a lot. We are also considering that joint money.

That said, it's a bit daft to compare the situation to flat mates. The fact that flat mates pay equal shares is not really that relevant here.

It depends how serious you are. I'm old school- i think until you're planning a life together (children or marriage) treat it like roommates. 50/50. None of his damn business if you earn more, just choose something you can both afford.

It's a mumsnet chestnut, but I can't fathom a marriage with separate money. And after children it's bloody ridiculous and almost always to the detriment of women.

He sounds penny pinching and awkward, wanting a ridiculous adjustment to accomodate your slightly higher income. I'd rethink moving in with him. He seems the type to expect you to dig into your savings while on maternity leave etc.

@sageandroses usually I'd be agreeing with you- but it's only £4K. Those other threads are usually a couple with wildly different incomes and it's bizarre for one person (ie man) to be living it up while their partner (ie woman) is struggling to make ends meet.

But the OP and her partner earn similar income and can afford the same lifestyle. He's really bean counting here and it's a strange approach.

Whatever you do, don't start from a place where you both pool all your earnings in a joint account. Later, perhaps, if you marry, if he shows himself to be sensible with money. Joint accounts are an abuser's playground.

With the difference between earnings so small, I'd go for 50:50 to start with and see how much you both save. Work out your outgoings and set up a small joint account just for bills. He sounds potentially a little controlling and I wonder if he woukd be keener on 50:50 if he were the higher earner? What does he think should happen if one of you suddenly lost your job or got a big payrise? Listen to him carefully because you will hear his opinions on this many times if you live together. Talk about the baby/childcare scenario, too, so there are no nasty surprises ahead. Get his ideas - and yours - written down so nobody can say later that they didn't know what the other was thinking.

Worst case scenario: a past colleague whose husband left her for a teenager (barely older than their eldest child) he'd started an affair with and proceeded to lease and furnish a flat with his lover funded with the entire contents of their joint account which he emptied on her payday, leaving her with nothing for bills, mortgage or even groceries.

When the affair fizzled three months later, he actually wanted to come back. 🤦🏼‍♀️

If you're at similar stages, have you got comparable savings? Where do you each leak money? Don't ever give anyone the power to take every penny you earn from right under your nose, even if you believe you can trust them implicitly. Love wisely.

I agree with the 50/50....even my married friends without kids do 50/50 and dont have a joint account.... I have never had a joint account with my OH and we have been together for over 20yrs, we pay 50/50 too, one thing that is different is we have kids and I earn less than him so he contributes more towards holidays

If the rent is, for example, £2000 then it's going to cost that for two adults. So therefore £1000 each

If money at the end of paying bills stays your own (you're not planning on saving) and as you're not married then he has to accept he earns less.

However, if this is a permanent relationship (you marry or have children) then money after bills should be equal.

You're a unit, why would you want the person you love to have less disposable income than you?

@Soon2BeMumof3 I agree it's not a huge amount between their salaries, but it's still around £200 pounds a month. I actually think that's quite a lot.