Moving in together and splitting bills - how?!

[Ace56]

DP and I are planning on moving in together in the near future (when it’s possible with the current situation...). We’re in our twenties, no children. I earn slightly more than him, about 4K more per year. This is the first time either of us has lived with a partner, just the 2 of us as a couple and no other housemates etc.

He thinks rent, bills etc should be split proportionately according to income, so I would pay slightly more. I think we should split everything 50/50, as I have done in the past and as is normal for housemates/friends living together. I KNOW living with someone you’re in a relationship with is different to living with a friend/housemate, but I can’t understand why I should be effectively subsidising his living costs when we’re not married and don’t have joint finances? His reasoning is that it wouldn’t be ‘fair’ as he would then have less spending money/for savings than I would. I said that this is true now, when we don’t live together, so what’s the difference? He thinks that when you live together you effectively become a ‘unit’ and so it should be more equal.

In reality, because I don’t earn that much more than him, I know the difference would be minimal if we did split it proportionately. However I think it’s the principle that bothers me. I think it should be 50/50 but you should both live within the lower-earner’s means - ie. if he says he can only afford 600pm for rent, then I can’t expect him to pay more than that, and if I want a more expensive house then he has every right to ask me to subsidise him. But if we both live in a place that he can afford, why do I need to pay more for that? AIBU?

When I lived with my ex, we did it proportionately, but that was because I earned £10k more than him - and it was my idea. When he got a bigger pay rise, so it was only a £5k difference, we re-negotiated it. We found that worked best for us - and we included savings in the things to be paid for jointly, so one of us didn’t end up with no savings, and the other with tonnes.

And yes, I would feel the same if I was the lower earner! I’ve lived with friends previously where I was the one earning less and we still split equally - I wouldn’t dream of asking them to subsidise me. But I could still afford it - we were living within my income which is what I’d expect to do with DP.
You're not living with friends. You're living with your partner. For most people that's a very different relationship.

It's up to you what you do ultimately, but I'd find the red flag in a relationship if someone earning more than me wanted to insist 50/50 from day dot regardless of earnings. It would leave me wondering if they were the type to play the money card to guilt trip when it suits. Eg 'but I subsidise you so you should be grateful'.

Money is one of the main issues contributing to relationship breakup so it matters you're both on the same page, however you do it otherwise resentment will built on one side, or both.

Proportionately but then my (now ex) H earned 10 times what I did so 50/50 would never have worked.

Your salaries may rise and fall over the years so proportionate seems fairer.

I think 50/50 at the beginning is fair. But once you lived together a long time / bought a house together / have kids or get married then I think it’s time for a joint account.

Also OP, as the higher earner you going for 50/50 means he is subsidising you, where as proportionate means no one is subsidising anyone.

I don't understand why you keep comparing it to a flat share.

You're his romantic partner, he's not your friend or just someone you're living with to save some money while you save up for your own place!

I do wonder how you'd feel if splitting everything 50/50 left you with nearly nothing while he had thousands.

I would be very concerned by your attitude if I were him, and if the genders were reversed on this thread there’d be cries of financial abuse and ‘all money is family money’ etc.

We paid 50:50 until we got engaged; around that time, we had a mortgage together and DP (now DH) had a payrise which meant a noticeable difference in income, so we switched to proportional (which worked out around 60:40). We got moved to a larger home and got married, and now have our wages go into the household account, with an equal amount transferred back to our personal accounts to cover our personal spending (I like having a personal account for judgement-free spending ie DH has a pricier phone contract and buys more coffees, I tend to splurge on craft stuff or Manic Panic hair dye 😂).

50/50 if he doesn't earn as much as you, that's so not your problem

*Before children, 50/50 split.

After children if one is taking career time out for child raising - proportional or just pool all money.

But would just say that he sounds pretty funny about money and it might be a red flag to consider.*

Yes this is perfect

It depends for me really. If this is a long term relationship where you have discussed marriage/kids/future then I believe it should be proportional.

If this is a relatively young relationship, or there are potential doubts, I would go with 50/50.

Yes, I agree that salaries can rise and fall a lot even without kids. It’s just life and a huge part of living together is supporting each other through thick and thin. You’re not flat mates, you are partners in a relationship.

See for me this comes across as you want it 50/50 whilst you have the upper hand yet you know full well that when you have children the likelihood is you'll take maternity and then potentially reduce hours (not always obviously)

I see living together as the test for marriage, mortgage and kids - if you cant accept proportional now I don't think you should be living together.

Proportionate is the best way to start as it sets a precedent for if you end up earning less for a while through maternity leave and part time hours. It's just fairest when you're a couple rather than flat mates.

He's not her life partner! They are young and in a relatively new relationship moving in together for the first time. It makes no sense to make finances joint so early on.

He could be the kind of person who never cleans up after himself, or eats crisps in bed, or leaves his skidmarked undies for OP to wash. With a 50/50 split it will be easier to leave the relationship. His attitudes and behaviour will become clear after living together for a while, and then the split of bills can be renegotiated, after say, a year or so, when their relationship is more certain.

Why financially entangle yourself when you don't have to? It's £4k. If she earned £40k more then proportional would be fair, but him nickel and diming over such a small difference before they've even moved in together is off-putting.

My DP earns an extra 15k a year than me, when we first started renting I was learning to drive so he paid an extra few hundred a month, then we split it 50/50 for a while and we are just about to buy our first home and after discussing it he will pay around an extra £100 a month to me. If I asked him if he could pay a bit more than that I'm sure he would but isn't necessary, alternatively if he needed me to pay more some months it wouldn't be an issue. It's best to sit down and work out all your outgoings both joint and personal and see how much you will each be left with a month.

I can see both sides, to be honest. You're not married so in the eyes of the law you're not one financial unit. If you were married or had children then it would be different and all money should be considered joint money.

My view is that it should be split 50:50 until you are married, but still living within the lower earner's means. The difficulty is that if you insist on a 50:50 split now and then later he starts to earn more than you, or you go on maternity leave, and then you want it to be proportionate, you might struggle to convince him that this is fair.

Perhaps you should sit down with him and discuss where you see your relationship going. Is this basically going to be a short trial period for getting married, after which point if all goes well you will get engaged and married within a reasonably short time? Or do you see the two of you living together for a long time without being married?

If the former, you might as well start as you mean to go on and agree to a proportional split, especially when the difference is relatively minor. If the latter, you are effectively planning to remain financially separate for the foreseeable future and it should be 50:50.

I think that it should be 50/50.

If you were living with one flatmate, you both would pay 50/50. It would not matter who was earning more.

Stand up for yourself!

4K when you earn 20k is a lot.
4K when you earn 60k not so much.

You said that if you were the lower earner then you wouldn't want a higher earner to subsidise you but if you go 50/50 then your bf will be subsidising you.

As soon as me and my then boyfriend (now fiancé) started living together, everything was equal and we got a joint account. No his money and my money, just 'our money'. It was the first time either of us had cohabited too.

We bought our first home after a couple of years of renting and once we'd taken that step everything got a bit more financially serious e.g life insurance and wills.

Everyone is different though and I hope you find what works for you.

If he can't stomp up 50% and be happy and excited about moving in together, you ought to reconsider the move. He's nit picking IMO.

@daytriptovulcan You can also apply that to the OP

I’ve always paid 50/50 regardless of wage (although my DH and I have always been very similar in what we bring home)

I’d only really consider an unequal split if one person earned a lot more (£10-15k+) or if one person wanted to live in a more expensive area

50/50 pre marriage then we threw it all in together.

I’d be cross at paying more than my share because my job paid more, he can always look for a better paid one or get a second one if he wants more money.

Why not split bills 50/50 and whatever difference is in money left over for spending you put it in a savings account if you are planning on buying. Tbf it’s best to get all the money stuff in the open now. My husband hid a significant amount of debt from me that I only found out about when we married and I was 4 month pregnant. Get it all in the open now and be honest about money and get used to talking about it.