To stop speaking to my friends during this

[Florabella]

I have a lovely set of friends, and we have been doing lots of zoom calls/virtual pubs nights since lockdown. But I've realised o come away from each one feeling much worse and crying a lot. They (and their partners) are all working from home and the conversations tend to be about that and balancing with home schooling etc and enjoying not commuting. My partner and I are both self employed, have both had to close our businesses (I think I will lose mine completely) and get no help from the government self employed scheme. I feel we are having a very different experience from all our friends, and I just don't want to hear about how they can just all go back to normal and haven't been affected financially when this could destroy us. My friends are all sympathetic and would listen to me moan all day, but I don't want to be the constant who get. I think it's best for me just to remove myself for the foreseeable. AIBU?

Your friends aren't responsible for what you're going through so i think YABU to want to stop talking to them. Sounds tough though.

More of your friends then you - and they realise - will find themselves redundant after this. It always happens in recessions.

So you maybe feeling crap now and having to sort your job out but one or more of your friends will face this later.

I honestly wouldn't remove yourself from this support network. You say your friends are sympathetic so maybe mention how you feel privately to one or two. They could ensure that the conversations focuses on other areas?

I don't think they are responsible or blame them, but it is just making me feel worse hearing about their working lives at the moment when the business I have worked so hard on is taken away from me. I know that I am having a big pity party and there are people much worse off than me. I just feel I want to be on my own until all this has gone away. It's putting a big strain on my relationship too

I get you’re going through a hard time, but will it really make it better to be also friendless? Do you really want friends where you can just be miserable together?

I’d think carefully, I’d stay in touch maybe miss the odd call, but I don’t think you’d be happy being friendless or just with others feeling as you do. It would be too relentless.

I think your friends would feel very sad if they knew you felt this. I'm sure they would want to support you through this very difficult time. Group chats can be tricky. Can you speak to only 1 or 2 of them at a time?

Losing your friends will make you feel worse.

OP have you tried talking about how you feel to your friends? I don't think YABU - how you feel is completely valid. But you don't want to ghost your friends either, you may need their support. Just say to them, guys I'm finding this really rough at the moment, I might duck out of some of our calls until the situation changes if that's ok, but it's not your fault and I can't wait until I feel a bit more on top of things and can join in again.

Maybe speaking to them individually would be better? Maybe suggest that.

I think it's fine to take a break from these Zoom calls, if you're actually finding that they make you feel worse, but what would be better is to explain to your friends why you feel the need to take a break. If they are sympathetic they'll understand. Just don't let this drive a wedge between you and them. It's very easy to be antisocial at the moment - too easy - when what many people actually need is more support and connection - not less.

And yes - one on one would be better - group chats are always rather superficial. Could you chat to them separately instead?

Yes, have you told them that you're losing your business and how you feel about that?

Also, this is likely a case of "comparing your insides to other people's outsides". They will also have their financial worries and relationship problems.

Maybe just let your friends know that you don't really like zoom & say you'd rather chat to them on the phone?

I don't think I will lose my friends over this - just not joining any calls. Happy to still keep messaging then as then I don't need to get into conversations that make me feel worse. Most of them know how upset I am about my business and that we are getting no gov support. It's just that conversation naturally goes back to how people's lives are

Maybe step back from the big Zoom gatherings for a while. Have one on one phone calls instead. I always feel better after a good chat, I don't think you can chat properly on big group calls.

Don't shut your friends out when times are tough.

Yabu my lovely. I understand it but don’t do it. You’ll only feel worse. Xx

I think it sounds like you might just need to distance from them a bit. Can you just say you are struggling right now and just need a bit of time to yourself to process things. It sounds like they're not meaning to be insensitive but it's obviously not helping you right now.

I'm having to do similarly as me and DH are both still working full time whilst trying to look after and home educate an autistic 5 year old, as well as our 3 year old who has suddenly regressed with toilet training and is peeing herself bloody constantly; and all the relentless cleaning, laundry and food prep that comes with everyone being home all day. We're fucking knackered from trying to do everything and yet kept getting calls from certain people saying 'I'm bored' and telling us that we're 'so lucky to still have work and the kids so we have stuff to do'. Again, I'm sure they're not meaning to be insensitive but I've realised I maybe just need to distance myself from them for a bit because they're experience is so different to mine that talking to them was just making us feel worse.

You are not thinking straight. Don't do anything rash. In this time of covid.

Everyone's circumstances are unique: Dh and I are both working, friends of ours are both self employed, other friends of ours both work for BA.

3 completely different circumstances.

Can't you see this? Come on, get a grip here.

Im sorry to hear that your business may need to close. It sounds like your friends are supporting you through this difficult time (although it does feel like your the downer of the group) The consequences of cutting ties will be much worse to your mental health if you stop communicating with them. Whether you're down or not, your friends are listening and encouraging. It's very normal to feel the way you feel so please dont stop with the zoom meetings.

Is anything you can focus on, that could help your business after this is over?

Others will be laying in the garden, cleaning till their house has never looked so good, baking cakes. Having been furloughed. And will genuinely NOT be worried, because they honestly WILL have a job to return to.

We are all in different circumstances here.

If you had a very SN child? With a serious medical condition? Disabled or cerebral palsy or something?

Then I'm sure lock down is not so much fun. No cake baking and making VE bunting, I'm sure!

I am also self employed and my business is on hold with no government support. Plus I am in the shielding group so high risk if I do get it and waiting for surgery. I have regular Zoom catch ups with a few different groups. It is strange to hear all the walks cycle rides / shopping trips / all the things they are doing as some are waiting to return to work bored on full pay. This is whilst I am looking at the bills / savings and working out what to do. I have used the advice on here to apply for as much online work as possible. Also busy helping make scrubs for NHS.

OP I'm going to go against most here and say drop the calls if it would make you feel better.

Your title implies you'll never speak with them again but you've said you're happy with one on one calls so do that instead.

I've pretty much kept to myself during this ntime except for a few choice people I check in with and it's just so much easier.

I am having the same as you, OP. My friends are doing a zoom call every Saturday evening. Almost every one is in a public sector job with pretty much guaranteed job security. Last week they all talked about work non stop.
Like you I’m self employed and have lost a lot due to covid and DH has been made redundant. I have moments of utter terror about the future. Spending the evening listening to other people talk about their working from home secure jobs was a kind of torture.

I’m not sure what the answer is. I think tonight after a bit I might say I find it hard to hear, but I don’t know that I can really police what other people say. If you get the answer, let me know!

Just tell them. Let them know that you are feeling very down about your work prospects right now and not in the mood for group chat. The truly sympathetic ones will message you and you do have the right to share your concerns with them. That's one of the things that friendship is for.

Have you thought about telling the friends you are closest to what is happening? It might be that they are all going along with a narrative that all is well, but inside are just as worried as you.
I would open up an honest conversation with one or two trusted friends and talk to them honestly about your fears. Friendships are about supporting each other, and that doesn't seem to be happening in your group at the moment. My guess is everyone is keeping their worries and fears to themselves and are pretending it is all okay 'for the sake of the group' morale.

If these conversations are making you feel worse, stop them. Replace them with more meaningful connections that do not make you feel a sense of despair and sadness afterwards. You are better to have just one or two friends that offer an honest and supportive form of friendship, than continue with a farce of pretence that is making things worse for you.