To stop speaking to my friends during this

[Florabella]

I have a lovely set of friends, and we have been doing lots of zoom calls/virtual pubs nights since lockdown. But I've realised o come away from each one feeling much worse and crying a lot. They (and their partners) are all working from home and the conversations tend to be about that and balancing with home schooling etc and enjoying not commuting. My partner and I are both self employed, have both had to close our businesses (I think I will lose mine completely) and get no help from the government self employed scheme. I feel we are having a very different experience from all our friends, and I just don't want to hear about how they can just all go back to normal and haven't been affected financially when this could destroy us. My friends are all sympathetic and would listen to me moan all day, but I don't want to be the constant who get. I think it's best for me just to remove myself for the foreseeable. AIBU?

but that just makes me feel as though I have no right to feel the way I do

don't be silly, of course you have the right to be realistic and upset about your own situation. So do your friends.

You need to explain to them why you don't want to speak to them and not just ghost them.

"Do keep up with the individual calls - it is much easier to steer the conversations then and you will feel less outnumbered whilst benefiting from the social interaction and maintaining friendships."

Yes, very perceptive analysis - that explains a lot about potential pitfalls of groupvideo!

I don't think it sounds a bad idea to step back from the zoom meetings.
Do remember though that if the general mood is upbeat then people will present the upbeat side. I know a couple of people who on FB are "oh, it's so wonderful having time with my lovely children who are doing all the work set and then writing poems for the NHS", and when you speak to them individually are "I can't cope any longer. I'm going to kill the children shortly because they won't even look at the work set and they've done nothing except play on the computer for the entirety of lockdown."

But don't just ghost them. If you just don't turn up, they'll speculate, feel guilty that they've done something or annoyed that they don't mean enough to you etc. You'll then either be bombarded with calls of "why weren't you there?" or ignored and feel hurt that none of them seemed to notice.

Either message them all and say you're struggling with it, or message one you can trust to do an accurate picture and ask them to tell everyone on the next Zoom.
Or you could just say that you've got so much to deal with at the moment that you'll come on and say hello, but you need to go after 5 minutes. If you want to make it not awkward, you could say you're expecting a business call and need to go or even get your dh to pop a head in and say.

I find group zooms a bit tricky if there is no focus. Luckily my friends feel similar, despite having spent hours in the pub together, 40 minutes is enough on video call! We have joked that we need an agenda. I'd reduce the zoom chats, but maybe suggest a quiz? Then you aren't being unsociable but you have a focus for the time.

@Florabella you have every right to be angry! There is zero support and lots of loop holes. I dont believe the government are being helpful AT ALL. They're doing their best to look after themselves and making they dont loose out. Completely forgetting about people who need the money.

My husband is a sub contractor and he gets pennies, I was just about the start my own business. Its crap and the government are still living on the idea of them an us attitude.

Everyone copes with things differently . On zoom like other social media it’s likely no one will want to be an Eeyore . If something on balance doesn’t make you feel good then don’t do it . Just simply say you love them all but need a break right now .
We have a group FB feed for friends as we all live close and would normally use it for meeting up but at the start of this viral fiasco two of the contributors were ‘ freaking out ‘ - I don’t do drama at the best of times , am a frontline worker so just removed myself from the group to avoid it - I keep in contact with some individually but have so far avoided non work zoom meets / quizzes etc . This is how I protect my own mental health .

People do have lots of different reasons why this situation effects them, and maybe they are struggling in different ways and rely on these get-togethers. I wouldn't ignore them, but maybe the party feel of a zoom chat isn't for you - maybe have separate Skype calls with them? They may be more likely to open up about their worries too.

I completely understand how you feel. My business really suffered because of all the Brexit uncertainty and (in hindsight) I realised I distanced myself from a lot of my friends. I didn't even realise I was doing it.

I've since realised I was withdrawing because I felt a type of grief and I was processing the grief and anger privately. I didn't have the 'bandwidth' to cope with people too.

I sort of regret that now but you have to do what it takes to cope at the time.

It's ok to step back a bit for now.
As a pp said, don't do anything rash or cut ties, but if contact is making you feel so upset right now, then for me it's a no- brainer to protect yourself.
I can empathise, I find certain WhatsApp/ Facebook friends are experiencing lockdown so differently to me, and it does not serve me right now to see that all the time.

One on one chats/calls tend to be much better for me, by the way. That might work.

I've been opting out of all the Zoom and facetime shit after a friends partner - a Headmaster on full pay and not working at all - declared we were all in the same boat. Fuck off, okay. Fuck right off.

God I have had to do something similar when I have gone through rough times, I’ve had people do it to me/our group of friends. It’s not weird at all, and loads of my friends I’ve had since uni or since I was about four! Just talk to a couple of them that you’re friendliest with and say ‘I might just have to lie low for a bit, x and I are really struggling with what to do with our businesses/livelihoods etc and I’m just not the chattiest/liveliest - be back in a wee bit when I’ve got shit sorted out.’ And then when you go back just say ‘god so sorry, it was just a really horrible time for us and I didn’t want to be the miserable cow on zoom all the time, but all getting a bit better now!’

And yes, make the time to check in with a couple of good friends on one on one calls. Nice, well-adjusted people will get it.

YANBU. I hate Zoom calls. I have had a similar situation with friends - their situation is just completely different to mine. I did a couple of the Zoom calls but like you I just felt they were making me feel quite sad when I had come off the calls. Basically doing the opposite of what connecting with people is supposed to do.

I decided to stop them. No phone calls with them either as couldn't really see how it would be that much different from a Zoom call. Might sound a bit harsh but having been through difficult times in the past I knew I had to do what was right for me rather than pleasing other people which was effectively what I would be doing by continuing the calls.

Do what is right for you and your mental health at this time. Its not forever and when things ease a little you can reconnect. If they are good friends, they will understand. Be really kind to yourself, its a very tough time with a lot of ups and downs.

@fuckinghellthisshit You say a Headmaster on full pay and not working at all - how is he managing that? My friend is a head teacher and she's working as much as ever. The school's open for vulnerable children and she's in there several days a week, on top of managing what everyone's doing and working out strategies for returning to full time schooling. How is he doing nothing?

@HollowTalk Where we live 1 primary has stayed open out of 8 and covers the key workers DC. The others are shut and staff not working at all. I was surprised.

Maybe take a break or reduce contact for the moment and explain you're feeling down about what you're going through and the prospect of losing your business and just don't feel sociable right now. I agree with previous posters though, that isolating yourself will probably make you feel worse. I'd think of it as a bit of a detox for a limited period.

Sunday is my busy day with Zoom and I ended up missing the catch ups as I have IT issues. That actually helped me - a few good friends chatted online instead after to fill me. I did see the general discussions after but didn't read in detail. My plan is now to avoid tomorrow's to see how that that feels.

That's good. I would avoid the zoom and keep the individual conversations going as much as you like/ enjoy instead.