To stop speaking to my friends during this

[Florabella]

I have a lovely set of friends, and we have been doing lots of zoom calls/virtual pubs nights since lockdown. But I've realised o come away from each one feeling much worse and crying a lot. They (and their partners) are all working from home and the conversations tend to be about that and balancing with home schooling etc and enjoying not commuting. My partner and I are both self employed, have both had to close our businesses (I think I will lose mine completely) and get no help from the government self employed scheme. I feel we are having a very different experience from all our friends, and I just don't want to hear about how they can just all go back to normal and haven't been affected financially when this could destroy us. My friends are all sympathetic and would listen to me moan all day, but I don't want to be the constant who get. I think it's best for me just to remove myself for the foreseeable. AIBU?

I feel exactly the same as you OP. We run our own small travel business, our friends are all in relatively secure jobs (teachers etc). It’s very very hard not to feel hard done by and for it to impact on your mental health. We’ve tried to balance it by joining some but not all calls. The logical side of my brain says that we need our friends and our support network especially as this goes on but it doesn’t half make you feel down. Also don’t want to bring the group down either.

I would say take a break, too. I have a friend who doesn't work and has a very nice lifestyle and no money worries. During lockdown she has gone on and on about her perfect family life with baking and bike rides and how heroically they are coping with it. As far as I can see, her life hasn't changed much as before this she was at home baking and gardening all day anyway. I have two jobs, one I have been made redundant from and I am furloughed from the other. Not once has she asked me a single question about the status of my jobs, when I'm going back, etc. I haven't even told her that I got made redundant by Zoom as she'll just brush it off to tell me how they've washed the cars that day.

So I'm taking a break from her. Your friends don't appear to be as insensitive as this, but if you are in tears after talking to them take a step back, look after yourself and when you feel better, they will still be there.

I think your friends - and most of the country - are in denial as to how their jobs will fare in the coming months. Many of the banks who promised to keep jobs only did so until September and there will be redundancies afterwards, particularly for those in strategy/digital programmes. Ditto TV and production companies. Ditto consultancies. The ripple effect will be huge.

I would stay on the calls and, separate to the chat about home schooling and WFH, would just mention how tough things are. Everyone always thinks small business owners are loaded - they have no idea about your situation probably. But they're going to be a much needed network so I wouldn't walk away from the zoom calls.

I'm sorry to hear about your business though.

OP, I could have written your post.

I, too, have a lovely collection of friends who I'd normally see regularly. However, they are without exception (at the moment, at any rate) either SAHMs or are WFH (our DC are all older, so there are no childcare issues). Whereas I have lost my job, business, and income, and my MH is shot to pieces.

I have had to withdraw from Zoom coffees, and am now speaking to them on the phone individually instead. They are all absolutely lovely and sympathetic, but the Zoom coffees were just as if nothing awful were happening, and I didn't want to be a miserable wet blanket. So I thought it better not to join in.

They will all still be there as a group once I'm on a more even keel. And, as I say, I'm still keeping in touch individually with them.

I have done the same.

just tell them what you said here and then skip some of the calls. if they are good friends, they will understand

I would reduce the calls but nit stop them altogether. I would make it clear how upset you are about it all, Incl how upsetting it is when it seems that everyone else is doing well and with no financial issues.

But I would work on how you are feeling. The way you feel about the lockdown isn’t their fault or responsibility and you need to find a way to deal with it. I suspect having friends you can talk to about it might well be part of it!! (Doing a 1-1 with one if them might be better than a zoom chat with all of them though)

I think your friends (assuming they are the kind people you suggest they are) would want to support you and listen to you. I know you think you are protecting them... but I think you should just be really open about how hard it is. They are going to feel confused and hurt if you shut them out. Friends want to be there for their friends in hard times.

I understand what you’re going through I have 3 self employed businesses a beauty salon a Christmas fayre circuit business and a summer car boot business - they have all gone the only thing that might happen this year are car boots 🤞 however I came on here to give hope to any SE that have lost their business. 16 years ago I had my beautiful son I also had a fabulous salon 8 members of staff in a really affluent area we were turning over 100k pa.
The same day I had him a new spa opened and over night my turnover tanked by half I had a new born I had 2 weeks mat leave I have to go back to work with him sack all my staff bar 1 and remortgage my home to pay the debt I had on my salon. It was so tough I was essentially a single parent all my NCT friends had secure jobs with secured marriages they had nothing in common with me bar our little ones I felt so terrible guilty for me son etc and I didn’t want to be around these people I perceived as having a great mat leave but I did just spend time with them on my terms and got through a difficult time.
However the point of my ramblings is the very nature of the self employed is resilience and diversity yes a lot of businesses have gone including mine but others will take their place stay strong take a break from friendships on your terms and see what happens. Good luck 🙏❤️🙏

How about joining the calls to keep up the network, but only staying for a short time ‘hi guys Great to see you, cant stay long because i have to do xyz’?

I think if you’re worried, the ‘i feel so blessed’ from others can be hard to take, and its not because you want them to be in an equally bad situation but - human nature! I also think videocon calls with more than one person can be tiring - something about the intensity compared to being physically present - and less (length rather than frequency) is sometimes more!

OP make sure you both apply for business bounce back loans - 25% of your turnover and 100% guaranteed by the govt. Will give you some breathing space.

If you can't be honest, then it's not true friendship anyway.
Sounds like a merely superficial acquaintance group?

I understand your situation perfectly OP. Our business has fallen off a cliff and we're surviving on our savings for now. More than a few sleepless nights here. We had a video call with some old friends and they were so thoughtless in their comments. The husband is newly retired age 55 with a gold plated pension and the wife is working lots of overtime for a bank. Their comment that "We've got all this money and can't go out and spend it" felt like a kick in the teeth. I'm sure friends like yours and ours don't mean to be so insensitive, so I'm not going to take it personally, but I am avoiding any further video chats.

Flora, it could be that your friends are deliberately being upbeat in order to raise the general mood. They are bound to have their own problems, lockdown is difficult for so many and especially those with children.

If you are finding it hard to join in with them, maybe just look in once a week with a funny story or poem or something like that but don't get involved with the conversations.

I'm so sorry about your problems and can understand how frightening this is for you, not knowing what the financial future will be. Just continue to take care of yourselves so, when this is all over, you will at least be well enough to start to rebuild your lives.

I don't think it's a bad thing to take a break. You have to do what is best for you and maybe force socialising isn't it right now.

Thanks for the support and to those who have shared similar situations. Most of my friends do know and are totally sympathetic. I don't want to be the misery on group calls when everyone is being positive, so I think all the suggestions of just sticking to individual calls are the way to go. Even then I don't want to be constantly moaning. I assure you I am fed up of my own pity party - just can't seem to shake it

I say drop the calls for now if they're upsetting you. I'm finding it hard to talk to a particular friend at the moment, who is happily furloughed, while I and dh are both keyworkers. Friend has a child at home doing schoolwork, as do we, except that friend's child gets parental support all day, while ours doesn't. Friend is busy wiping down shopping, cleaning door handles, and talking about how worried they are that they might have to go back to work, while we have been, and are, taking a risk every day we go to work. Wiping down our shopping seems to be the least of our worries frankly.

Could you say your taking a break for a couple of weeks as you're struggling at the moment? Nobody knows how long this will go on for and you might want to join in again in a few weeks. Best of luck

This is very tough and by virtue of being self employed am sure you will have resilience, but do lean on your friends. I’m in a really diverse friendship group from school which includes a mixture of city, public sector, charity workers, self employed. The two self employed have both lost their livelihoods overnight and I hope we provide them with support and I worry for them off the calls. The others (charity esp) are all at risk even if ok now. I’m public sector (NHS) and do feel job secure, but I don’t think people should resent this and I certainly don’t brag about it- pubic sector have had years of under investment, but one of the reasons for sticking with it is the job security. So I’d also be a bit pissed off if my friends were ‘jealous’ of my job security.

Zoom is no substitute for an actual social life, so YWNBU to opt out of the calls if they are not making you feel better about things.

Why are you not eligible for government support? I thought it was extended to almost everyone who has filed a tax return apart from those earning extremely high sums who are considered able to see themselves through this? I could be wrong though.

Don't forget that homeschooling, working full time and managing your normal chores IS hard. I bet your friends feel a bit of envy looking at others on furlough for example, with so much more free time and all these people who have time to do diy/gardening/baking/starting a new hobby whilst they haven't got a spare minute in the day.

You can tell them that you are in a bad position work wise, and if they already realise, they might not even dare complaining about their own in front of you for obvious reasons.

Don't force yourself to do things that make you feel worst, but don't isolate yourself either.

I'm not eligible because over the last 3 years 48% of my income was from that business. The rest was from another source which I no longer have. It had to be 59%. The website also says my partner isn't eligible, but we have yet to find out why.

It's not that I am jealous of my friends working (one of them is head nurse in our local ICU and I try to give her as much support and possible). I am just angry and upset at our situation. I know there are people worse off, but that just makes me feel as though I have no right to feel the way I do

@Florabella take it easy on yourself do what you need to do to get through the day your feelings are valid 🙏

I think cutting yourself off from your supportive friends (you say they are supportive) during a time of great stress is an awful idea.
I understand that things are harder for you right now but thats life. We ALL go through times when we are doing better than others and worse than others.

I remember when I was single and really fed up about it, then my mum died. My friends all had their mums and loving partners and it made me feel like shit. Fast forward to now and I have an amazing husband, their relationships have all broken up and lots are now single, dealing with the loss of parents just like I had to do years ago. I'm not saying this because I get any sort of satisfaction out of it- i dont. I''m saying it to prove the point that we all go through times of everything being shit. Our friends might be fine at that point. Later on, THEY will go through a shit time and might envy you- see? it all balances out in the end. Noone gets out of life unscathed, we all go through terrible periods in life. This one just happens to be yours.

So dont abandon them, this is the time when you need your friends the most. Reach out- tell them how you feel. Say, "guys I'm really struggling at the moment, I'm really scared and I need support"- if theyre good friends they would love to help you. Please dont deny yourself that out of some misplaced envy. That would really be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

It is so heartbreaking the way this pandemic has turned lives upside down, especially for those who have invested so much personally in self-employment. I wish you all the best OP and that you both find a way through this and return to better times very soon.

Your post has made me mindful of group calls and that there may be more going on behind the scene than the facades that are presented. Do keep up with the individual calls - it is much easier to steer the conversations then and you will feel less outnumbered whilst benefiting from the social interaction and maintaining friendships.