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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cancer diagnosis who to tell

67 replies

saffy1234 · 09/05/2020 08:01

Hi
Some of you may recognise my username from previous posts about my husband.
To cut a long story short after a few months of drs visits and tests I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and have a CT bloods and an appointment on Tuesday.
My mum knows as she is a great support and knowledgeable as she is a nurse.
My issue is my husband left me during lockdown and finally walked out last week on my birthday.Do I tell him?Or just keep it to myself.Will that even be possible ,I don't want his sympathy or for him to try and come back due to worry.What would you do?

OP posts:

Dreamersandwishers · 09/05/2020 08:07

Very sorry to hear your diagnosis Saffy 💐
Do you need his support - with kids etc? If so, then tell him.
Otherwise, it depends on how your relationship is currently. If I was on good terms, I would tell him, but if not he’s not owed the information.
Hope it goes well for you.

Original poster

saffy1234 · 09/05/2020 08:09

I will do i would imagine I'm not really sure what I'll need until I go to the appointment on Tuesday.It seemed to be suggested the CT would be discussed there and then.I hope those reading this go for smears I put mine off and only went because of continuous bleeding and severe hip pain like a fool.

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Original poster

saffy1234 · 09/05/2020 08:10

I just don't want him feeling sorry for me or feeling he has to come back.

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PotteringAlong · 09/05/2020 08:11

I think if you’ve got children then you need to tell him because of the impact on them

Istwowyes17262 · 09/05/2020 08:11

I would tell him. No matter how much animosity there was in a divorce he would want to know... and he will still care about you even if you are not together.

I would tell him as well as if you are having a bad day or similar and he feels the need to pick a fight over the divorce or be an idiot he will think twice about it and probably wouldn’t, you need to concentrate on you without him being an idiot.

Also if you have kids, he defiantly needs to know!

Istwowyes17262 · 09/05/2020 08:12

@saffy1234 I think understanding from him would be good at this time.

ScrapThatThen · 09/05/2020 08:12

Wishing you all the best with your illness. I would tell him if there are practical things it might affect, or dc (even if adult). But at the time of your choice.

BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup · 09/05/2020 08:14

If you have kids with him then you have to tell him, otherwise don't bother saying anything at all to him.

Also inform those you tell not to say anything to him about your health, as if you end up getting divorced he will make your life hell with this information. You may be on good terms now but divorce brings out horrible behaviour in loads of people.

Elephantonascooter · 09/05/2020 08:14

I'm sorry about your diagnosis op. Having read your previous comment, I am pleased to say I had my first one this week after receiving my letter at the start of lockdown. My lovely sister had precancerous cells on her first one so have always said I would go as soon as I got the letter.
Anyway, back to your question. I would tell him, but make it clear you arnt tell g him for sympathy or anything more than practical arrangements due to children etc.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Well done for going in the end. I hope you're feeling OK as you can and good luck with your appointment

Original poster

saffy1234 · 09/05/2020 08:15

We have 3 small DC ,one of whom has severe special needs (DS age 6) and I have DC who he considers his SDC.
He only left a few weeks ago.
I will see how the land lies on Tuesday.I cannot believe this all to be quite honest.

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Muh2020 · 09/05/2020 08:35

Unfortunately, you should probably tell the colossal loser.

wafflethewonderdog · 09/05/2020 08:40

💐 Sending you big hugs. I know what you're going through as I was diagnosed with cervical cancer 2 years ago. My OH was my rock and I couldn't have got through it without him. You're going to have to tell him as you'll need support with your children.
If you want to PM me, I can share my experiences or would highly recommend Jo's Trust.

Original poster

saffy1234 · 09/05/2020 08:46

That's what the dr suggested I looked at @wafflethewonderdog she said it's really helpful!

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wafflethewonderdog · 09/05/2020 09:00

@saffy1234
Once you've had your CT scan you should find that things move quickly.
Whereabouts are you? I was treated at Christie's in Manchester who are amazing. I still go back for checkups. They also have loads of support available.

Original poster

saffy1234 · 09/05/2020 09:02

Hi @wafflethewonderdog I'm in Gloucestershire,yes my dr said that she said there and then I will find out more I assumed I'd wait for the results,but apparently not.I guess they move pretty quickly

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CherryPavlova · 09/05/2020 09:06

My advice, having been in a similar situation, would be give yourself time to get your head around it. Find out the implications and treatment plan then decide who you want to tell.
You don’t have to tell anyone. I decided to tell very few people initially as I couldn’t bare the sycophantic, faux sympathy bit. I told my husband after confirmed diagnosis, my children about three weeks later when their exams had finished and a couple of friends plus my line manager.
Entirely up to you how you deal with it. There might not be much implication for your children. It probably won’t be as awful as you are currently imagining.
Hope all goes well.

Original poster

saffy1234 · 09/05/2020 09:12

Hi @CherryPavlova yes I'm really reluctant to tell my children,as they are teens and will worry but I wonder about the practicalities of that as they are ,of course,off school.I did wonder on talking to school about it to see if they could go with the key workers children?
My husband has left so I'm not sure whether to tell him but I am going to need my mother in law to help with smaller children and he may wonder why?I will see what they say Tuesday.Yes I think I'm imaging the worst but I suppose that's only natural x

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AnnaMagnani · 09/05/2020 09:17

I'd suggest that you take your time, don't be rushed and definitely wait until you have your CT results and know your treatment plan. And possibly wait a bit longer after that.

Firstly because this is all about you, and you need to know things without being pressured by other people.

And secondly, when you know your plan, you will be in a much better situation to decide what you are actually going to tell people. Which might range from nothing, that you need some child care, that you are going to get better, to needing to have a good cry with them. You can decide which people need to know what.

LakieLady · 09/05/2020 09:23

So sorry OP. Just want to say I hope all goes as well as it possibly can for you.

I think I'd put off telling DH until I knew a bit more about what treatments etc will be involved and how much practical help you will need. But that's probably just me.

Original poster

saffy1234 · 09/05/2020 09:28

That's how I feel @LakieLady I don't want his sympathy or anything and I'd like to know what's what so I don't have to have a long discussion about it x

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Original poster

saffy1234 · 09/05/2020 09:29

Thanks @AnnaMagnani that's really sound advice
I always think it's good to know facts so you can be clear and concise with any information I choose to share x

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AriadnesFilament · 09/05/2020 09:35

I think you will need to tell him because of the children, but I wonder if waiting until you’ve got some concrete information to give so that you can stick to handing over short, factual details and keep it focussed on what he needs to do support the children so you can stay in control of the conversation? It will enable you to keep control of the discussion.

onlinelinda · 09/05/2020 09:35

You don't have to have any kind of discussion. Just that it's the case and that you'll need him to do x and y, and that you dont wish to discuss it further. And to respect confidentiality.

mindutopia · 09/05/2020 09:35

I think you should tell your ex and also your children. You may need support in terms of him stepping up to the plate (whether he will is another thing). But if your children are teens, it’s important that they know. My dad developed lung cancer when I was a teen. They did sort of tell me eventually, but made light of it and there was no real talk of the severity of his diagnosis (it was stage 4). I didn’t know that he wouldn’t get better until the hospital called to tell me that he’d driven himself in and was now in a coma. I never got to say goodbye.

It’s very likely that won’t be the case for you (my mum had uterine cancer a couple years ago and she’s in remission and feeling healthier than she ever has!). But I think kids can handle the truth and cope much better when they’re on board and know what to expect.

Hope all goes well on Tuesday.

Original poster

saffy1234 · 09/05/2020 09:37

Totally agree @AriadnesFilament x

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