Cancer diagnosis who to tell

[saffy1234]

Hi
Some of you may recognise my username from previous posts about my husband.
To cut a long story short after a few months of drs visits and tests I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and have a CT bloods and an appointment on Tuesday.
My mum knows as she is a great support and knowledgeable as she is a nurse.
My issue is my husband left me during lockdown and finally walked out last week on my birthday.Do I tell him?Or just keep it to myself.Will that even be possible ,I don't want his sympathy or for him to try and come back due to worry.What would you do?

Thanks for all the replies and well wishes ,it's very much appreciated x

Don’t rush into anything. There is no need to tell him just yet. You need to get your own head around it.

I’ve had two cancer diagnosis. The first time I told everyone straight away, including the children. I was very emotional about it all and probably caused more worry to them.

The second time I gave myself a few weeks to get my head around it. I spoke to close friends and also got support from my macmillian nurse and the hospital children’s team. I was able to tell them in a more calm and positive way and also tell them what the plan is for treatment.

You are allowed to be very very selfish with this one. Tell people when you are ready and only what you want them to know. If the ex is going to cause you any additional stress then put off telling him and only tell him the basics.

Sending much love your way. What a shitty time to find out during lockdown when there is way too much time to sit on your own thoughts.

I also made sure I sought mental health help after my second diagnosis and got some short term treatment of diazipan and sleeping tablets to get me through the worst.

Everything is shit at the moment @Sharpandshineyteeth what with him upping and leaving and now this.It is a lot for a person to deal with.

@saffy1234 it is entirely up to you and you are in control of what and how much to tell anyone. You can be vague and say you have important appointment if you need his childcare etc. Cancer takes away so much of your control so keep hold of that control you do have- there is not right or wrong so it really IS up to you. You owe him nothing right now and take your own time to decide. Do what feels right for you. Much love

It is @saffy1234, don’t be afraid to go to your GP and get whatever help you need.

My local macmillian centre offers counselling aswell, I found this out months down the line though.

I have strong feelings that any diagnosis should come with the offer of specific mental health support as well.

My DP was also an utter cunt during my treatment and left at various points. It tipped me over the edge many times.

That sounds awful @Sharpandshineyteeth you poor thing x

OP, I would also tell him, but only when I had my treatment plan and would be clear about what I needed from him and what wasn't needed. You need his support for the kids, I wouldn't seek any support for you as that's unlikely to work.

What rotten news, I hope your treatment goes well and is bearable. I have recently been through cancer treatment myself, (chemotherapy & operation), I was terrified, it wasn't pleasant but wasn't half as bad as I feared.

Yes @cantarina I agree and I don't want his support as I feel it would feel forced.
So it wasn't that bad?Well that makes me feel better,I'm anxious for Tuesday to come in need to know the situation I've been sat in limbo lately with everything in my life ,xx

Sounds like a Need to Know situation, strictly.
He should know as soon as he will have to deal with some aspect of the situation relative to the children. I can't see any other reason for him to know.
I am a bit precious about my personal problems though, I'd probably tell no one until last minute if I had your diagnosis.

Sorry to hear of your diagnosis. I was diagnosed in March with cervical cancer.

Jo's trust are really good. I'm 2 weeks into my treatment now. I had the same symptoms as you, bleeding and hip/pelvic pain.

I wish you well. If you need any info or have any questions, feel free to ask or PM me 😊

Oh my lovely
Tell him in writing when you have a clearer path forward for care and treatment

Mainly because when kids know he will need to know

Sending a strangers very strongest wishes your way

I'd tell your DC's school once they're back, so they are aware of any changes in behaviour or DC want to talk about it.

Tell your DC once you have a treatment plan. I was given a book called "Mummy's Lump". I presume there's something that covers cervical cancer.

Anyone involved in childcare needs to know from a practical point of view I think.

It's horrible waiting for treatment to start

I would tell him in an email if you can. That way you can lay everything out in terms of what you want/expect from him. You can keep it factual, you will be able to avoid getting emotional (I only say that because I hate it when I get emotional whilst I'm trying to explain) and you don't have to deal with his reaction, which based on his recent behaviour is likely to be shitty.
Your kids are going to need him to step up. He will need to be there for his kids so lay out exactly what you expect in terms of looking after and supporting them. You can tell him you dont want his sympathy, but he needs to look after his kids. Good luck with your treatment. I'm sorry your husband is an arsehole.

I think that's a good idea @Whatsername177 yes I will probably text him when I know more

I’m sorry to hear about your diagnosis, however once you have further information (staging and proposed treatment plan), you will need to advise him as he may have to take care of your children at times.

I was diagnosed with Stage 3B, grade 3, cervical cancer (which had spread to my uterus, outside my cervix, my lymph nodes and my ovaries) in 2017 (just under terminal). After surgeries, chemotherapy, external radiation and brachytherapy (internal radiation), I am in remission. The chemo wiped me out - I couldn’t eat or drink, and if I did manage it, it came straight back up. I could not have managed my twins without my huband’s and my parents help, I was too ill to look after them or even just supervise them. Depending on your treatment and your body’s response, you might be ok and not need help, but you need to be prepared to ask for and accept help.

It’s unlikely you’ll get your staging immediately after the CT - I assume they’ve booked you in for a MRI and PET scan too - to get a full picture and then use the combined results to stage and plan.

You don’t have to tell anyone anything, but you should as you are likely to need help. Personally I didn’t bother telling people much. The day before my first specialist appointment I met a friend for coffee and she asked what I was up to and I said “I’ve got to have these tests because I’ve got cervical cancer, then I’ve got to pick up some shoes I’ve ordered and I’m meeting (friend) for lunch”. I hadn’t meant to tell her, I was just answering her questions. We chatted about it and she asked what my husband had said and I said I hadn’t told him. I then didn’t tell him for another 5 days and I only mentioned it as I was having surgery two days after that and he would have to look after the twins.

I wish you all the best, I hope it is not too advanced and easily treatable, but please message me if you have any questions. X

Hi @Herefishyfishy I will if that's ok?xx

Just want to say, Sorry to hear your worrying news OP. Firstly, I think @anamagnani is spot on, take your time, tell him when you have got your own head around it all and secondly, I have had the sad experience of being friends with two ladies with secondary breast cancer. One who sadly passed away over a year ago now and one who has just a few more months left. Both have daughters. They were in the same support group and both said the same thing to me ( even though one chose to be very open with her daughter from the start and the other minimised the severity of her cancer when talking to her teen girls until she was in the last stages). They both talked of childhood emotions being a bit like puddles, they jump into them and are, at the time, all consumed by that emotion, but then they jump out of it and into another one and gain relief from the intensity of the situation. As long as they are reassured that it's okay to feel a whole array of emotions ( all at once sometimes), they will cope. What kids struggle with most is when they know something serious is happening and they are shut out of it all.
Good luck OP, I hope you're treated and recovered as quickly as possible.

Hi Saffy, sorry to hear this. It is truly shit.
I was diagnosed with cervical cancer almost a year ago, and had combined chemo radiotherapy followed by brachytherapy (internal radiation) last summer. Had the all clear recently and now on three month checks. It was the same treatment that Chesneyhawkes1 is currently going through.
I agree that you will have to tell him, but I would wait until you have your treatment plan. That may take a while unfortunately, as the scan results will probably go to the MDT (decision team).
My treatment was tough, but it was quick compared to others - six weeks from start to finish then recovered enough to go back to work three weeks after that. Of course everyone reacts differently, however you should have a rough timescale for how long you need him to get his arse in gear.
PM me too if you have any questions, however daft you may think they are. I see that there are several of us here with similar experience.
The cancer support thread in General Health here is amazing - it helped me through.
I told as few people as possible - my young adult sons live away now and still don't know, however it was easier to keep it secret in my situation (just me and DP at home, work for a small company).
We are with you.

@saffy1234, yes, treatment is a bit of a gamble and I feel lucky. For about a week after each chemo I felt like I had a rotten hangover. The picture you imagine is of people being weak and throwing up - I did throw up twice but I think as a reaction to taking co-codamol. Generally, while I was having chemo it felt like I was run down. I worked (from home) through my treatment only taking a few days off per chemo cycle. I know others who have had much worse side effects. Just be open with your medical team, it is meant to be bearable and they can offer drugs to make you feel better or can adjust the dose. My mum had it and was a bit of a martyr about side effects - not the best idea.

One thing I was surprised by was how many people I knew who had been through this, had had cancer treatment and were around to tell the tale. Some got in touch to cheer me on, as some others on this thread are doing for you, it was so lovely of them. Made me feel less alone.

Your news is rotten, the timing is rotten, the treatment is rotten, but the treatment will pass, they wouldn't give it to you unless there was a benefit. I hope it all goes well for you and you get the best results you can hope for x

Thankyou so much for all your replies
In a strange way it's comforting to know I'm not alone ,I'm not the only person going through this in the past present or future.I appreciate you all!

Let it sink in for yourself then think of anyone wait until after your scan if it is better for you, one step at a time. I'm sorry you are going through this. Life is shit. Goodluck with everything

I'd write him a letter saying something like

" I've had some bad news and rather than risk you hearing this at third hand , would rather put you in the picture myself . Following tests I've been diagnosed with cervical cancer and am going to need some treatment. That's all I know at the moment.

It's been a shock but the one sure thing I'm quite clear about is that this is not going to change our separation and I want everyone to accept that. "

Hi saffy, I wouldn’t tell him anything unless I had to, even then I wouldn’t tell him I had cancer. Of course if he was to find out from someone else then that’s about all he deserves, you owe him nothing. I struggled to tell my H when I was first diagnosed & we were together, I just couldn’t do it to him as I was thinking the worst. You know how it is. Then I got another cancer & I’ve had it for years, it’s just very much a part of my life now. I’m very lucky I know. Macmillan have a wonderful website if you need to chat, or you can call them on the free phone number 0808 808 00 00. Do what’s best for you & the kids

I’m so sorry Op, I would tell him when your ready, when you know more yourself too.

It’s your body & you don’t have to tell him much, you can just tell him you’ve been diagnosed with cancer & need treatment.

As for your kids, personally I wouldn’t tell them just now, with lockdown etc. They need routine, stability, they have far too much time to think about it now with not being busy.

I hope you come back & update us all, we’ve all rooting for you

Have you joined the cancer support thread OP?