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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report to social services?

101 replies

Changedname78 · 08/05/2020 18:56

Just for a bit of history, DCs dad is very controlling ex army. We can’t talk at all and don’t agree on anything so talking isn’t an option. DC came back from contact covered in bruises, over 10 in total, some absolutely massive, a massive graze too! Apparently all from bike riding 🙄 I worry this has come from being pushed too hard and she’s done it trying to keep up with the army lifestyle. Also a history of situations like this ... being pushed too hard/controlled etc... problem is I doubt social services would do anything anyway!!! They’ve proved useless in the past? So do I just keep photos for future reference or report ? Or nothing 😕

OP posts:
Oxfordnono12 · 08/05/2020 21:59

Could you try contacting NSPCC? They offer fantastic support.

SnoozyLou · 08/05/2020 22:02

Maybe she is standing up for herself and telling the truth, but you’re not hearing her? It would depend where the bruises are. Knees, elbows, forearms, shins - I was permanently plastered in them when I was a kid. Other parts of the body seem less likely. If I suspected he’d hit her I would take photographs and document my concerns. I’d stop contact before I went to social services though.

Rosieposy4 · 08/05/2020 22:07

Stop making her be a piggy in the middle, that is no role for a child, and very uncomfortable to live with. Not letting her have a relatIonship with her father is also a bad idea, unless you genuinely think he is abusing her, in which case stop prevaricating a get a new court order.
10 brusies is not a lot for many women in particular, many years ago I did some collaborative work with a haematologist who was interested in excessive bruising in women, he did a massive study, could find no reason and labelled it female easy bruising syndrome ( at any point for example I will have a minimum of ten bruises, often many many more)

Boredbumhead · 08/05/2020 22:08

I do mountain biking OP. After a week if hard biking I had multiple bruises on my shins. However, it would be harder to get them on the fleshy part of her arms. Unless she was knocking into branches of trees or something?

Bignanny30 · 08/05/2020 22:08

Most of you don't seem to be getting the point - what changedname78 seems to be trying to say is not thatnher ex is physically harming her daughter but that her ex was very controlling and a bit of a bully towards her when they were together and she's concerned that he's being that way with their daughter. And if that us the case then she needs to do something about it before he messes the child up mentally. But will s.s be any use - I very much doubt it !! Try to get more detail from the child and if you are concerned then stop contact, you're her mum and there to protect her mentally as well as physically.

SonjaMorgan · 08/05/2020 22:10

I was covered in bruises at that age. I still am now tbh. You need to have an open door situation where your DC knows they can talk to you at anytime and then leave it well alone. Questioning, putting pressure on them and pushing your own beliefs and agenda isn't helping anyone.

Windyatthebeach · 08/05/2020 22:10

Ime it's best you don't ask your dd too much.
Suggestive questioning could be assumed /you could be accused of...
If you suspect abuse of any sort seek professional advice.

FourPlasticRings · 08/05/2020 22:16

You could always go along the lines of a PSHE, 'Is it OK/not OK if someone does this...' sort of lesson , OP?

Original poster
Changedname78 · 08/05/2020 22:16

@SonjaMorgan I completely agree with you and that’s all I try to do, build her up and be there for her always. I just don’t wanna fail her at all. As you can probably tell just speaking to him causes me massive anxiety and panic attacks which is why I won’t unless I have to.

OP posts:
Troels · 08/05/2020 22:29

Take pictures and I'd contact her doctor and report them asking if they are normal for what he does with her. That way they are on her record for the future.

CodenameVillanelle · 08/05/2020 22:30

And if that us the case then she needs to do something about it before he messes the child up mentally. But will s.s be any use - I very much doubt it !!

A) there is a court order in place, so all the evidence has been heard in court and she must adhere to the order or apply to court to vary it

B) what do you think social services can do when there is a court order in place? What do people expect that they can do in situations like this? They can't give permission to breach court orders.

AnneOfTeenFables · 08/05/2020 22:31

Like a PP, I was always covered in bruises. In fact I still am.

It doesn't sound as though you think he has hurt her just that you think he's making her do too much and she's falling?

If she feels caught in the middle between you is there an adult she trusts ( eg an aunt, grandparent, one of your friends) that you can get to have a casual chat with her? Don't put words in her mouth, don't ask leading questions. They can just have a chat about bike riding, etc, and see what your DD says without the pressure of you and her DF.

noriim · 08/05/2020 23:29

She might need counselling/play therapy or psychological support anyway if she is caught in the middle of you both and you describe her as a people pleaser.
Can you arrange that for her?
It should be a semi-permanent thing so she has an adult in her life (not a parent) who she can trust.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/05/2020 01:34

@Changedname78

Can you please clarify...do you think she is bruised because your ex hit, pushed, or otherwise directly caused them or is it because she's fallen from a bike because he's pushing her to do more than she is capable of?

I can't see where biking would result in multiple large bruises unless it was mountain biking on rugged terrain or BMX biking on a track with lots of jumps and turns, etc.

boomoohoo · 09/05/2020 08:22

I agree with all that codenamevillanelle has said. And the others not berating social workers 😬 If there is a court order in place there is little that you can do at present, unless you think she is in immediate danger or at immediate and 'significant risk of harm' (the line of the law). Sounds like not at present but that doesnt mean I'm saying ignore it and do nothing. I would advise you get legal advice and also get support from your local specialist domestic abuse service, as you are having to navigate parenting with an abuser, and we know abuse doesnt stop when the relationship does.

Also, if you haven't already, have chats with her about 'people pleasing'. Talk to her about what it's been like to be her going through her parents break up, how it has made her feel. Talk about her worries and see if she can name them or draw them. Remind her there are worries that are not hers to hold, like your feelings or her dads feelings. Tell her she can always 'give'you those worries, you are a grown up and can carry them. Remind her you are big and strong enough to carry any worry she has and that she can talk to you. (Sorry if this sounds patronising I dont mean it to be, just giving basic info based on knowing v little about your life)

Good luck OP

Original poster
Changedname78 · 09/05/2020 08:54

@boomoohoo thank you so much for that advise. I will be taking all that on board, and with regards to social services I don’t mean social workers personally, of course they care or they wouldn’t do the job, but I mean the guidelines. Same with court, I’ve always had a good experience with court but saying that it would take a lot for them to stop contact ( too much in my opinion ). Which is why I came here for advise, it takes all my strength to go against him and causes me panic attacks, so have to be 1000% what I do will not only be affective but is right before I do anything. If nothing would happen anyway then is it worth the stress and upheaval which in turn affects her. I hate to say it but I feel court takes away your right to be a parent sometimes. Anyway thanks for all the advice I’ll be having a chat with her today

OP posts:
MoonGeek · 09/05/2020 09:05

I am in a similar situation. I called nspcc for advice. They told me to email him as it might be less confrontational. I didn't do it as I was too frightened of his reaction. Sorry if that's not helpful but calling Nspcc might work out differently for you.

boomoohoo · 09/05/2020 09:10

Hi OP, I completely agree with you and the system is so often not fit for purpose. I often feel that social workers have a lot of responsibility with very little authority.

I reccomend the following organisation, rights of women -

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

They have helplines that are ofcourse busy, but the helpline is run by lawyers specially trained in legal issues affecting women and once you get through to them their advice is excellent. Do persevere!

boomoohoo · 09/05/2020 09:11

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

boomoohoo · 09/05/2020 09:13

Its not letting me post the link! Well, the org are called Rights of Women. X

Sometimeswinning · 09/05/2020 09:15

I think you need to consider your anxiety is a part of the problem. How do you expect to co parent if you are too scared to speak to your ex? Your dd has no choice and she's 8. He's still controlling you.

bellabasset · 09/05/2020 10:55

I agree that your anxiety and concern over your dd's df isn't helping the situation. My dm was a very nervous person and my df was told by my headmistress that I was a child that needed encouragement not be pressured at exam times. It definitely had an impact on my life as I was very sensitive and nervous as a child.

My advice would be to discuss your dd's bruises with your HV at the surgery to get advice on what's normal as her df is very active and army trained so you don't want her taking part in any activity that might be detrimental to her physical development. Try to be positive when you ask dd what activities she has undertaken with her df. Then when you email your ex you can say how much dd enjoyed the cycling despite the bruises and ask what he has planned for her next visit.

mathanxiety · 13/05/2020 05:30

B) what do you think social services can do when there is a court order in place? What do people expect that they can do in situations like this? They can't give permission to breach court orders.

No, but they could support a motion brought by the mother to modify the order (to supervised contact for instance) or a motion for the court to appoint a guardian ad litem to represent the child. A GAL can get to the bottom of whatever is happening by interviewing the child and both parents and any therapists the child has had contact with.

A court order definitely takes away some of your 'right to be a parent'. But that works both ways - you have recourse to the courts if the other parent is abusing the child.

However, the bar for abuse or neglect is set high and proving it to the extent that the court will change an order is very difficult. But a guardian ad litem is charged with advocating for the child without any accusation of partiality to either parent and can very often figure out what is going on.

mathanxiety · 13/05/2020 05:35

@Changedname78, do her clothes show evidence of falling off the bike?
Or is it just her bruised legs, arms and hip?

Does your ex allow DD to wear a bike helmet? Does he insist on DD wearing a bike helmet? Has he supplied a bike helmet for her to wear or do you send one for her visits?

I would strongly urge you to find a play therapist to assess your DD.

CodenameVillanelle · 13/05/2020 06:55

No, but they could support a motion brought by the mother to modify the order (to supervised contact for instance) or a motion for the court to appoint a guardian ad litem to represent the child

They will only get involved in a private law application if directed to by the court. There is no preemptive 'support' they can give to a woman wanting to vary a court order UNLESS there are significant welfare concerns and they have carried out an assessment which indicates he poses a risk - but that is not the case here.

You can't just contact social services and ask for support with your court application.