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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report to social services?

101 replies

Changedname78 · 08/05/2020 18:56

Just for a bit of history, DCs dad is very controlling ex army. We can’t talk at all and don’t agree on anything so talking isn’t an option. DC came back from contact covered in bruises, over 10 in total, some absolutely massive, a massive graze too! Apparently all from bike riding 🙄 I worry this has come from being pushed too hard and she’s done it trying to keep up with the army lifestyle. Also a history of situations like this ... being pushed too hard/controlled etc... problem is I doubt social services would do anything anyway!!! They’ve proved useless in the past? So do I just keep photos for future reference or report ? Or nothing 😕

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 08/05/2020 19:53

School.wouldnt necessarily have raised a safeguarding concern if dd had said she fell off her bike. And dont ask leading questions
Let her tell what if anything there is to tell.

mathanxiety · 08/05/2020 19:55

Where are the bruises? Are there cuts?

Does she wear a bike helmet when biking with you and with her dad?

If she fell off her bike I would expect to see a graze or even a cut, maybe grass stains or even rips to jeans, leggings, sweatpants or tops/ jackets.

Fluffykitten23 · 08/05/2020 20:00

I'm sorry but my children are active and aren't covered in bruises. Knee or lower leg or elbow bump on head maybe at 8 but not covered in bruises from riding a bike. Come on. If it is on stomach or back or black eye split lip or even all bum it's not a bike. Common sense really no need to worry about clouded judgement. Also a 8 Ur old should understand the impact of such a lie. So if she said yes he hit me people easer it not believer her tell her I need to report him.

slipperywhensparticus · 08/05/2020 20:02

Since lockdown my kids haven't seen their dad when they did they ended up covered in bruises too (he is ex army too) he encourages "play fighting" with him and he has to win picked the youngest up when he tries to get down digs his fingers in pinches if they dont pay attention to him social services dont care they support my youngest saying no to seeing him though they just dont meet threshold for intervention at the moment

FourPlasticRings · 08/05/2020 20:05

I've read that bruises from genuine accidents are generally found on skin that covers bony protuberances- knees, forehead, elbows etc. Large or frequent injuries on soft tissue areas are a red flag.

Samtsirch · 08/05/2020 20:05

@fluffykitten23
An 8 yr old is also able to grasp the potential impact of saying the wrong thing
In either parent’s eyes.

CodenameVillanelle · 08/05/2020 20:06

social services dont care they support my youngest saying no to seeing him though they just dont meet threshold for intervention

When you say 'don't care' what do you mean? Not meeting the threshold for intervention isn't the same as not caring, but it's not the job of social services to tell you to stop contact if you don't feel your child is safe.

worriedmum20 · 08/05/2020 20:07

From experience they won't take any notice of this. My ex is a fitness fanatic and my children hate it. Regular four hour bike rides and eldest has hyper mobility and ends up
In agony afterwards. They really don't care. I've tried many times to talk to him and say that this isn't them but he carries on 🙄🙄🙄

Fluffykitten23 · 08/05/2020 20:13

@samtsirch absolutely but are you saying if it wasn't dad and a teacher that had hit the child the child wouldn't tell. It's up to the op to have a relationship with her child where she can take her child at her word by 8 years old. Tbh I was more annoyed with the vagueness of the op's post but expects us to be able to advise in regards to something so serious. I have worked with vulnerable children and covered in bruises is a massive statement. Followed up with okay I'll keep an eye but won't mention where the bruises are or what they look like.

Wishforsnow · 08/05/2020 20:15

Sadly they won't take any notice. A friend took pictures of bruising and burn marks. In the contact hearing she was shouted at by the judge and CAFCASS as they said taking photos would mentally scar the child. The child was 2. Totally ridiculous.

boomoohoo · 08/05/2020 20:25

Hi OP, I am a social worker for children's services. Lots of unusually large bruises on a child would be something we would want to make enquiries into. As another poster said - where are the bruises, how many would you describe as massive? You sound concerned about her being overly pushed in the care of her dad... is this because she isnt usually covered in bruises? You know your daughter best and what is normal for her. Our job is to unpick why it feels harmful. What is normal for 1 child is not for another. You described your ex as controlling, this is a type of abusive behaviour. What is your daughters relationship with her dad like? Does she feel scared of him, treads on eggshells around him? Does she have the relationship she wants and needs from him, and has she been asked this.. just some questions to consider.

Singinginshower · 08/05/2020 20:27

Is it off road biking they are doing? I totally get that it is possible to be badly bruised from falling on rough ground going downhill. Is it possible for her to wear protective clothing, knee and elbow pads etc?

1forAll74 · 08/05/2020 20:28

Yes just keep an eye on her if she can't tell you how she gets bruised.
Her Dad might be like Ant Middleton, and want's to toughen her up for the future.

june2007 · 08/05/2020 20:30

Are you really genuine concerned about the bruises and childs welfare? if so report. If your not sure, could be daughter rough play ect then don,t.

Unravellingslowly · 08/05/2020 20:33

I worry this has come from being pushed too hard and she’s done it trying to keep up with the army lifestyle
What does army lifestyle mean? If she has done it trying to keep up that’s one thing but it doesn’t sound as if you think he has hit her or caused the bruises himself?

They aren’t your normal bruises, they are massive
The first time DS went out to the park alone I quizzed him (gently) as I was horrified. The bruises he had looked like someone had pinned him down and kicked him repeatedly. I still have the photos and still can’t believe they were from playing out because he never got those from playing out when we were with him- and that’s the thing. When they are elsewhere not being constantly told to ‘be careful....don’t do that.....if you fall.....’ they do things they aren’t normally allowed to do. They get bruises.

Keep photos and document dates, times & your concerns by all means but if you aren’t thinking he’s hurt her I’m not sure that SS would do anything tbh. Not saying that’s right but I know children who aren’t fed, who self harm and aren’t given medical attention and SS are aware and said they would visit the house but, several months on didnt bother.

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 08/05/2020 20:34

We cycle quite a bit, and this just doesn't sound right.

Yes, of course children can fall off a bike, but in my experience, any bruising would mostly be from one side and even then the impact would have to have been quite significant.

ChrissieKeller61 · 08/05/2020 20:35

@CodenameVillanelle - equally without the support of SS stopping contact could mean you loosing residncy of your child and it given to the very person youre trying to protect them from

Thisismytimetoshine · 08/05/2020 20:44

Why wouldn't you believe your child's version of what happened? Why would her being a "massive people pleaser" mean she'd lie to you? Would she not tell social services the same thing??
So many questions, sorry

AcrossthePond55 · 08/05/2020 20:48

So, are you talking about mountain biking or BMX biking where she's falling off all the time? Is that where the bruises are coming from?

You say she's 'caught in the middle' in a bad co-parenting situation. Would you be able to refer that to SS and ask if they can mandate parenting classes for both of you? Even if the problem is mainly him and you both have to attend perhaps there could be some benefit.

Windyatthebeach · 08/05/2020 20:49

Have you honestly suspicions they are abuse signs?. Are you thinking sexual abuse op?
Ime you must report if you do..
Flowers
Not up to you to second guess if this is the case.

yellowbrickwhorl · 08/05/2020 20:52

Why wouldn't you believe your child's version of what happened? Surely that's obvious?

Thisismytimetoshine · 08/05/2020 20:53

No, it's not obvious to me.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/05/2020 20:54

Pleas epay attention to the social workers post above....

Please don't get swayed by people who say... My/neighbour's /pals kids were covered din bruises... And ss didn't care....

That is how abused kids are missed....
Report and let social service sdo the investigating....

They'll most likely contact GP and make checks....

CodenameVillanelle · 08/05/2020 20:57

The OP knows what the GPs records will hold
Honestly, social services are highly unlikely to investigate this. They will advise OP to make a decision regarding contact going forwards.

There is some merit in the idea of recording the bruises somewhere so I would suggest getting a GP appointment to check them out.

Rabblemum · 08/05/2020 20:58

Are you sure you’re not being over protective? What’s wrong with being pushed a little and getting some bruises? I was a clumsy kid and I would get covered in bruises because I pushed myself to get better.

Some gentle questions are in order and make sure the bruises make sense.