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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report to social services?

101 replies

Changedname78 · 08/05/2020 18:56

Just for a bit of history, DCs dad is very controlling ex army. We can’t talk at all and don’t agree on anything so talking isn’t an option. DC came back from contact covered in bruises, over 10 in total, some absolutely massive, a massive graze too! Apparently all from bike riding 🙄 I worry this has come from being pushed too hard and she’s done it trying to keep up with the army lifestyle. Also a history of situations like this ... being pushed too hard/controlled etc... problem is I doubt social services would do anything anyway!!! They’ve proved useless in the past? So do I just keep photos for future reference or report ? Or nothing 😕

OP posts:
YappityYapYap · 08/05/2020 20:59

Someone commented above about bruises on bone structures. Having an active 3.5 year old that loves climbing, I agree. He's usually got a bruise on one knee (sometimes both) then the odd one on his elbow. From time to time, he's had one on his forehead from chucking a toy in the air and it landing on his head.

mum11970 · 08/05/2020 20:59

My 19 yr old dd came back from a bike ride with me with two huge bruises. I did nothing to cause them, she just managed to clack her leg with the pedal and whacked the crossbar.

icansmellburningleaves · 08/05/2020 21:06

If you think your ex is responsible for injuring your daughter of course you should report it to the authorities. You should also be stopping him from having contact with her. It sounds like you don’t believe the bruises came from riding a bike. You have a duty to protect your daughter. Either inform the Police who will involve children’s social care, or vice versa. Also photograph the injuries.

CodenameVillanelle · 08/05/2020 21:14

Can I clarify that if you think he's deliberately injured her then you must report it to the police. Sorry if that wasn't clear - I didn't think that's what you were suggesting had happened, rather that he had pushed her beyond her capabilities.

misskick · 08/05/2020 21:18

I would take her to the GP so they are medically documented and take photos. I would also contact social service this is your child you need to do everything in your power to protect your daughter.

Crimsonnightlotus · 08/05/2020 21:26

You are her mum, you must be able to tell if she is telling the truth or she is lying to keep peace between you and ex?
Pushing hard does happen and I don't think it's always a bad thing. My dc was always pushed so hard at their martial arts clubs since small. Lots of bruises, but made them who they are now.

Wallywobbles · 08/05/2020 21:30

I'd want a medical professional to see them who would be better placed to make a judgement call as to cause.

Original poster
Changedname78 · 08/05/2020 21:30

Yes my gut tells me it’s not right, but social services never seem to care

OP posts:
Josette77 · 08/05/2020 21:32

Have you contacted them before?
Are the bruises only on her legs? What did she tell you happened?

CodenameVillanelle · 08/05/2020 21:36

but social services never seem to care

I really wish people would stop saying that social services don't care. There are thresholds set out in law for what social services are allowed to intervene with, and when they are obliged to. Where one parent is concerned that the other parent isn't taking proper care of the child, the responsibility is for the concerned parent to take action, not for social services to do so. There is absolutely nothing that social services can do that the parent cannot do in this situation.
If you take your DD to the GP and they think the bruises are non accidental, that's a serious matter, and the police should be informed, as well as social services. However, if it's a case that he makes her ride a bike that's too large, or over terrain that she's not confident on which leads to her falling off a lot - that's not a criminal matter.

Mcrbee · 08/05/2020 21:36

I have a couple of issues with this post.

  1. "Proved useless in the past" - Is it a regular thing you call social services ? Are you looking for problems just to stop contact?
  2. If you have genuine concerns that your children are coming to harm then you should immediately stop contact and have it investigated. I'm sure you are able to make an educated guess guided by mothers instinct that the bruises are just from playing or whether they are sinister.

Any mum who has to ask mumsnet whether she should call SS clearly has ulterior motives.

Original poster
Changedname78 · 08/05/2020 21:38

@CodenameVillanelle
If I stop contact he’ll just wait outside my house all day. And I’d be in breach of a court order

OP posts:
Doggybiccys · 08/05/2020 21:39

OP - speaking as someone who bruises from a dirty look - your gut is telling you somethings not right. It may not be intentional but it sounds like maybe her dad is pushing her too hard. Keep a diary of pics and narrative incase this continues / escalates and you need evidence.

Original poster
Changedname78 · 08/05/2020 21:40

@Mcrbee not at all, the problem is, abuse isn’t just beating someone, there are lots of other ways which are very hard to prove, so yes I have reported concerns before, because if god forbid anything worse happened they’d look at me and say but why didn’t you do anything... I believe this is mental abuse as she doesn’t feel she can stop. That’s the hardest to prove unfortunately

OP posts:
MynameisJune · 08/05/2020 21:42

Where are the bruises?

My DD is 4 and covered in bruises from just learning to ride a pedal bike. She’s grazed herself a couple of times as well either falling off, catching her legs etc.

Original poster
Changedname78 · 08/05/2020 21:44

Arms legs and hip about 10 in total

OP posts:
TheFaerieQueene · 08/05/2020 21:46

I’m worried that you say an 8 yo girl is already a people pleaser. This frightens the hell out of me.

CodenameVillanelle · 08/05/2020 21:46

Ok so you need to go back to court to apply to vary the court order.
Social services CANNOT override a court order in these circumstances. The responsibility is with you.

Windyatthebeach · 08/05/2020 21:46

An excess of bruising should be checked out anyway imo....

MynameisJune · 08/05/2020 21:50

I don’t know that 10 bruises is an excess depending on what she has been doing. I get that you worry about her, but being mentally pushed isn’t going to harm her as much as being torn between the two of you will do.

The fact that she’s already trying to please you both, won’t tell you what’s really happening because she’s worried about you arguing or whatever, that’s shit for her. You need to work on making sure that she knows she can tell you anything and that you’re not going to lose your shit and go mad at her Dad. Because to me that seems why she won’t talk to you properly and why she’s trying to keep you both happy. That’s a lot of pressure for very young shoulders.

Amatteroftime · 08/05/2020 21:51

Ask her where they went bike riding, did they see animals when they were out (if in the countryside) as there have been more out whilst it is quieter with people, that sort of thing. You'll be able to get an idea if she is making up a story about bike riding or not from how the answers are given.
If you are worried she is making up a story, stop contact for now.

FourPlasticRings · 08/05/2020 21:54

I’m worried that you say an 8 yo girl is already a people pleaser. This frightens the hell out of me.

So many are, you wouldn't believe. It's a social conditioning thing that goes on with girls a lot.

Original poster
Changedname78 · 08/05/2020 21:56

@TheFaerieQueene
I completely agree and I usually look at situations like these and think, my job here is to make sure she is strong enough to defend herself and stick up for herself and not get bullied into things. But in times like today, is that enough? Should I be doing more

OP posts:
Amatteroftime · 08/05/2020 21:56

Just read the rest. 10 bruises is a lot from a bike ride. I get one on the knee, elbow etc, but 10?!

but social services never seem to care

I'm friends with quite a few social workers and I hate it when people say this. They are some of the most hardworking people I know. Working such long hours, in a mentality taxing job, working with people often deemed a risk to others - but apparently they do not care.
If they didn't care, they wouldn't be in a job to safeguard children, or have done a degree to get that job.

Mcrbee · 08/05/2020 21:57

If you have genuine concerns, then you apply to court to have your court order suspended due to there being concerns of abuse whilst you report it to the relevant authorities. Simple as that.

Don't put undue pressure on your child by interrogating her after every contact or else you will lose her trust. And also, do not alienate her from her father in the process, just because you believe he was or is controlling and abusive.
Also, just wondering - if you have a court order, you would have been given the opportunity to declare and safeguarding concerns you have. I'm assuming you either didnt declare any, or any you have were unfounded?

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