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Original poster

DP talking to ex

63 replies

fedupwithitallnow · 07/05/2020 10:17

I've been with my DP for 4 years, he was with his ex for 4 years before us, they have no children together neither, do we.

In all the time we've been together he's stayed in contact with her, messages, phone calls, face time, though not meeting up. When I first found out, one year in that this was going on I told him I wasn't comfortable with it and didn't see a need for it and he wouldn't like it if it was the other way around, (I've never been in contact with any of my exs) I know as he can be a bit jealous and he agreed to stop contact as it was making me upset. fast forward another three years and it's still going on.

She messaged him the other day whilst i was there and he told me then deleted it quickly, i was upset by this so he showed me, nothing bad, just catching up, obvious he's phoning her from the msg, and they're chatting regularly. I was really upset and asked why he feels the need to keep doing this when it upsets me and I see it as a betrayal, as though he's putting her feelings before mine. He says he doesn't reply.

I found messages today between them yesterday, that he started off and she commented about him phoning her etc. I really don't know how to handle this. Do I accept he wants to stay in touch and my feelings don't matter or do I have it out with him again knowing deep down, he's not going to stop. I would say before I found out way back they were in contact i never doubted him and was never worried about our relationship, but now, I've changed into someone i don't like because he's continuing to do this and i worry constantly about it.

I'm wondering whether to contact her to ask about the regularity of contact?

I've NC as posted this before but got slated for being controlling.

A lot of the mums were saying they wouldn't have a problem with it and so I shouldn't, which is fair enough, but what if you do have a problem with it, would you just accept he's not going to change and let it go?

Everything else is great between us
thanks

OP posts:
EthelMayFergus · 07/05/2020 10:34

Did he admit that he wouldn't like it if you were still in contact with your ex? The double standards would bother me. To be honest I don't think I would like it and as far as I know dh hasn't kept in touch with his, but yeah, I'd be miffed if he was. I wouldn't contact her, that will make you look insecure about your relationship. Obviously you need to talk to him about this and ask him why he needs to be in contact with her, but unfortunately I think he'll lie, because he already has (about ringing her). Is she single? Is the contact increased when she is?

Tiny2018 · 07/05/2020 10:34

Hi OP
I guess this is down to personal preference. I personally would absolutely not be ok with it. Particularly due to the fact that he claims to not reply, when in fact you've proof that at least once, he has actuatstarted a conversation with her. Even if nothing untoward is going on with her, he is not being honest with you on this basis alone.
If he can be dishonest about this, what else is he not telling you?
I can understand why it's causing you to worry.
What types of things do they conversate about?

Mia1415 · 07/05/2020 10:41

I'm still good friends with my ex. He has re-married and has children. We text regularly and we help each other out in a crisis. We pet sit for each other etc. There is absolutely nothing in it though. To be honest we were always more like friends than lovers which is why the marriage failed.

JudyGemstone · 07/05/2020 10:42

I think you're being controlling.

Original poster
fedupwithitallnow · 07/05/2020 10:44

@EthelMayFergus no, he said it wouldn't bother him as I talk to my exh and he's ok with that but literally the only conversations I have with ex are about our children, and not much now as they are older, I just know the type of person he is and know he wouldn't like it.
I've talked to him so many times about it and it gets me nowhere as he doesn't think it's an issue and apart from the first time, he's never said he will stop contact.
He told me recently she had met someone, obviously knows this from talking to her, but I don't know.

@Tiny2018 the conversations are platonic, he messaged her to tell her he'd been reading about the CV in her area and to stay safe her telling him about her Grand children and family etc and this is why he says he stays in contact as he was close to her children

OP posts:
Greenkit · 07/05/2020 10:46

I would hate it

You have told him you don't like it so he can either, stop or carry on overtly and tell you he wants to message her. He is doing it covertly.

He is putting his relationship with her, above your relationship and feelings.

Original poster
fedupwithitallnow · 07/05/2020 10:47

@Mia1415 that's good to know for you, but, if you OH wasn't happy with this, would you continue?

@JudyGemstone yes, I am beginning to think that too, and the upsetting thing is, I have never been this way in the past, I think it's the lies, I don't think I'd be as bothered if he did it openly, he's hiding it and lying to me

@greenkit this is the upsetting part of it, he's putting her before my feelings in all of this

OP posts:
Isawamagpie · 07/05/2020 10:49

I had similar to you, my DP claimed he had nothing to do with an ex, I never felt any reason to not belive him, I hadnt even brought it up.
Occasionally her name would come up out of nowhere in conversation. I didnt think much of it. He even told me once that she had messaged him but he hadn't replied.
Fast forward 2 years and I find emails and messages between them. Theres been phone calls. She doesn't appear to know about me.
Cue me calling her up in a fit of rage and telling her about our relationship via a voicemail. I ended up emailing her an apology for the voicemail and sounding so unhinged. I spent what felt like eternity feeling very stupid until I recieved a very polite reply, she wasn't willing to give any details of thier contact as she didn't want to be involved, however she said she didn't want to be in contact with him any longer.

DP and I are still together. Its been about 6 months and there's hardly a day that goes by where I don't question why DP was like this, if I'm not good enough and why the deceit and lies.
DP is quite controlling of me and would absolutely not out up with the kind of contact he had with his ex, where as before this relationship I would have been very understanding of exs keeping contact.

No real advice but wanted to send a hand hold and just to say, the "forgiveness/acceptance" route is very difficult to negotiate, its the route I have tried to take, but to this day, it still doesn't add up and I still have many unanswered questions. Unfortunately our relationship will never be what I was before I discovered this and his lies.

snowybean · 07/05/2020 10:50

I feel the same as Mia1415. I'm still good friends with my ex but there's nothing romantic; we're just best mates.

My current bf (and father of my baby!) really hates that I talk to him. I have no problems with him talking to his ex. I've even met her for dinner a few times, took some selfies together and message her on a semi-regular basis.

I would never want to cut all contact with my best friend even though my bf hates it and has asked me to cut communication. It really sucks being in this position.

Greenkit · 07/05/2020 10:52

I would tell him it's a deal breaker and he either cuts all contact or you leave.

Isawamagpie · 07/05/2020 10:53

Also to add, please dont contact the ex, it really doesn't get you anywhere unless of course she is happy to cut contact or answer any of your questions, upon which you will hurt your relationship anyway. I felt very stupid for contacting the ex in the first place, and regret it even now.

TidyDancer · 07/05/2020 10:54

I'm not seeing any issue with his contact with her. It doesn't seem to cross a line. I understand why it bothers you but in the circumstances yes, I do think it would be controlling to contact her or try to restrict contact between them.

Mia1415 · 07/05/2020 10:57

@fedupwithitallnow I don't have a partner and I would not get into a relationship with someone who tried to dictate who I was friends with.

There is no chance that I would throw away 20 years of friendship for anyone. Its non-negotiable.

Ponoka7 · 07/05/2020 11:00

I think the fact that they are of an age to have grandchildren and he was close to her children means that you are being unreasonable.

I often have the opinion that you should cut contact with ex's, but if it is general chit chat about grandchildren etc, then that's different.

Tiny2018 · 07/05/2020 11:06

It's the lying that would bother me. I had a similar situation with one ex, who was extremely cagey with his phone when we first got together. He admitted that his ex has been messaging him, but said that he never replied. My suspicion got the better of me, I messaged her and it turned out they were both still in close contact.
However, a guy I was seeing for a few months had one of his exes as a friend. He offered up all the information regarding their history, and stated that he now only sees her as a friend. This put my mind at ease and ge was actually surprised it didnt bother me. In fact, we all ended up going yo a festival together, she xilkdcted me from the train station. Was really lovely and I never felt she was a threat.
The difference with the two was the deceit.
I often wondered if my ex lied to me because he felt I'd go mad. In fact, if he's laid his cards on the table from day one like the other guy, it wouldn't have bothered me as much. The fact he hid things caused me to believe there was more to it.
It's the lying that causes problems in these scenarios.

Tiny2018 · 07/05/2020 11:07

*collected, bloody phone. How predictive text thinks that was a word is beyond me 🤔

Lifeisabeach09 · 07/05/2020 11:35

Sounds like he can't be open with you about being friends with her so he is forced to lie.
Why can't he be friends with her?

beemovie2 · 07/05/2020 11:40

How old are you both. I would say if older it wouldn’t bother me much but it does bother you and that’s what matters. However, if you start throwing ultimatums about, you have to be prepared to go through with it.

lastqueenofscotland · 07/05/2020 11:45

I was very good friends with my ex until he met his new DP. We got together when we were pretty young and “grew out” of each other. We cooled the friendship a bit, but we still speak ie wish each other a happy birthday, might comment on a social media post, his dad had some awful health issues and my sister has an ongoing condition and we both genuinely care about how those people are doing so have a chat about that. It’s probably once every 2/3 months not all the time at all.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 07/05/2020 11:46

My husband is in contact with an ex. It isn't my favourite thing ever but I am ok ish with it as I think he would stop if I asked him to, and I know he would be ok with it the other way around and lastly i can see how it would be awkward if he wasnt speaking to her since she is part of his group of friends.

What I wouldnt be ok with is-
The secrecy. It sounds like he is hiding it
Any downplaying or lying about it, that's a sure fire way to kill the trust.
Him doing something that he wouldnt be comfortable with the other way around. Why one rule for him and one for you?

FizzyGreenWater · 07/05/2020 11:51

I would leave him because he is the kind of man to repeatedly, comprehensively lie to you so that he can have things the way he wants, rather than discuss an issue/change behaviour/be honest.

If it's not ok with him that you dictate he can't talk to an ex, he should have had the guts to talk to you about it.

But here you are.

That's before you even get to the question of it being an ex and all that carries with it (e.g. is he being unfaithful, etc.)

Point is - his go-to solution is 'Lie to her. She won't know.'

Cut and paste that response into any other major issue going forward.

Don't stay with someone who lies to you easily and repeatedly. Ever.

ChocolateQuiltedShitPig · 07/05/2020 11:57

Maybe he is lying because you have forced him into a position to do so. He is friends with his ex and you are trying to prevent this. You do sound controlling.

They are exes for a reason

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/05/2020 12:00

I don't know how I'd feel. I've never been a particularly possessive type, and I know DH has had contact in the past with exes who caught up with him via Facebook. I was mentioned in the messages, he was open about the fact that the communication was taking place, and I didn't mind.

What might make this an issue for me would be the frequency of those messages - were they consistent with an old friendship and fairly sporadic that's perfectly fine; if it's a constant thing then no. The furtiveness, also, is not okay.

Only you can decide where your boundaries lie, and how to respond to the fact that he's still doing something after you've said it makes you unhappy. Lack of honesty to me means lack of trust, and that's a death knell in any relationship.

Herpesfreesince03 · 07/05/2020 12:04

He’s only lying because you’re forcing him to lie. Loads of people have past history with friends but still remain good friends. This is your issue, not his. Controlling who he’s allowed to talk to is abuse. You admit that you’re jealous, have you considered counselling?

Coffeecak3 · 07/05/2020 12:12

If you don’t trust him and you want to control who he communicates with then your relationship is doomed anyway.
I see no harm in an innocuous,friendly communication with an ex.
He probably lies because he knows you’ll kick off.
You can’t say he would be jealous of you communicating with an ex unless you do it and he reacts badly. Otherwise it’s just conjecture.