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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP talking to ex

63 replies

fedupwithitallnow · 07/05/2020 10:17

I've been with my DP for 4 years, he was with his ex for 4 years before us, they have no children together neither, do we.

In all the time we've been together he's stayed in contact with her, messages, phone calls, face time, though not meeting up. When I first found out, one year in that this was going on I told him I wasn't comfortable with it and didn't see a need for it and he wouldn't like it if it was the other way around, (I've never been in contact with any of my exs) I know as he can be a bit jealous and he agreed to stop contact as it was making me upset. fast forward another three years and it's still going on.

She messaged him the other day whilst i was there and he told me then deleted it quickly, i was upset by this so he showed me, nothing bad, just catching up, obvious he's phoning her from the msg, and they're chatting regularly. I was really upset and asked why he feels the need to keep doing this when it upsets me and I see it as a betrayal, as though he's putting her feelings before mine. He says he doesn't reply.

I found messages today between them yesterday, that he started off and she commented about him phoning her etc. I really don't know how to handle this. Do I accept he wants to stay in touch and my feelings don't matter or do I have it out with him again knowing deep down, he's not going to stop. I would say before I found out way back they were in contact i never doubted him and was never worried about our relationship, but now, I've changed into someone i don't like because he's continuing to do this and i worry constantly about it.

I'm wondering whether to contact her to ask about the regularity of contact?

I've NC as posted this before but got slated for being controlling.

A lot of the mums were saying they wouldn't have a problem with it and so I shouldn't, which is fair enough, but what if you do have a problem with it, would you just accept he's not going to change and let it go?

Everything else is great between us
thanks

OP posts:
Glendaruel · 07/05/2020 12:23

I've been lucky to remain friends with all my exes and would struggle if someone dictated to me who I could couldn't speak to. My fiancee knows, and even had dinner together with one when they were up for work in the area. He trusts me. Plus I think it's nice when you can keep that friendship and care about them. Doesn't need to be romantic to do it

BlingLoving · 07/05/2020 12:38

I think there are a couple of things going on here.

You having an issue with him engaging with his ex is a bit controlling and, IMO, silly. BUT... you were open and upfront with him about how you felt at a time in the relationship when I'd have thought if he wasn't happy he could have walked away. I think most of us lay down some ground rules at the beginning of a relationship and the other person thinks about whether or not those are ground rules they're willing to accept when considering if this is a longer-term relationship.

However, he agreed not to be in touch then has been lying to you about it? I'd have a huge issue with that. It's deceitful. It also shows him as a bit weak - if he felt so strongly that a relationship with his ex was important to him, he should have fought on this harder at the beginning. And certainly, if he had a relationship with her children and now grandchildren, I think if you had come on here at the time and explained that you wanted no contact but he wanted to keep contact for these reasons you'd have a lot of people telling you that you are unfair.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/05/2020 13:11

He’s only lying because you’re forcing him to lie

Nope, he's lying because lying to his partner is his preferred solution to conflicting views. That will be for one of two reasons - a. He's a coward, b. he's just a lying shit who likes fucking people around.

He could say 'No, I'm not ok with dropping contact with X. We used to be partners yes, but we're friends now. I'm happy to make sure you're included in our friendship and I can understand why you might be wary of it and therefore I'm happy for you to know what we're chatting about, see messages etc., but I'm not dropping the friendship.'

But that would mean him possibly losing OP if she decided that didn't work for her (you know, him giving her enough respect to let her know what he actually thought and what he actually intended to do). So - let's lie. Then I get to do what I want. Her wishes don't matter.

It's so simple! Liars are a. shit heads b. will let you down c. don't respect you d. cause problematic situations because you never know what's actually going on in your own life, if one happens to be your partner.

Never date liars!

SandyY2K · 07/05/2020 13:18

I had a similar situation a few years ago. DH didn't see it as an issue. I told him it was an issue for me and whilst I couldn't stop him, it would make me emotionally detach from him and leave when I was good and ready.

I knew he wouldn't like it if the tables were turned...and I said so. I told him that if he saw no problem I would start contacting my Ex BFs...to which he said this wasn't the same, as I would be starting contact and in his case he had maintained contact.

I told him it didn't matter and I would do it, if he chose not to stop. Some Exs had friend requested me on FB, but I'd ignored them. He knew I could very easily make contact.

In my case, some if their conversations had been about our marital issues, so I was not impressed.

Mesomeplace · 07/05/2020 13:20

My xdh started seeing his ex from 20 years prior the minute we split..

GenevaL · 07/05/2020 14:21

I think a lot depends on how they split. If it was mutual and they’d become more like friends then I think it’s entirely reasonable for them to retain that friendship. If one ended it while the other was still in love or it was on and off then I think that more complicated feelings might be involved which make ‘just’ friendship a bit harder...

FlashesOfRage · 07/05/2020 14:35

@GenevaL

Totally this 👏

I’d be ok if they just realised they weren’t compatible and the sexual spark had died for them both.

I would be concerned if it was her who ended the relationship

SodaSloth · 07/05/2020 14:57

Lots of people are in touch with exs.. I'd rather be sting 10000s of times by killer hornets

But each to their own. Why dies it concern you.. If he wanted to be with her he would be

SodaSloth · 07/05/2020 14:57

Does

Apple1029 · 07/05/2020 15:04

I wouldn't be ok with it.
but more importantly if dh persisted with something that I expressed my unhappiness at, then that would tell me a lot. he is prioritizing her friendship over your feelings and he is lying about it too.

RonObvious · 07/05/2020 15:06

I am really good friends with my ex, although we don't contact each other as much as we used to. We were still very close when I first got together with my now husband though, and if my husband had told me to cut all ties with my ex, I don't think we would have worked out.

Feedingthebirds1 · 07/05/2020 15:34

What reasons does he give for the messages and calls?

I think the key to whether you're being controlling or not is the frequency of the contact. If it's once every three months then let it go. If it's several times a week then you're not BU and either he stops or you leave. And sadly as he seems to have no intention of stopping, it may be the latter. You shouldn't have to live every moment wondering what he's doing and why.

beachbreeze · 07/05/2020 15:46

Is it a dealbreaker for you? Unless you are prepared to walk away, I would leave it. I would say from your comments on their relationship that he sees her as a friend.

fishonabicycle · 07/05/2020 15:48

He's hiding it because he knows you don't like it. My husband still talks to his ex a fair deal (as do I - she's stayed with us before). Do you think he still wants her back? If not, you're being a bit mean depriving him of a friend.

R2519 · 07/05/2020 16:07

Guys perspective. My wife he still friends with an ex of hers. We get together with them (him and his wife). Does it bother me......not in the slightest TBH.

I think it comes down to a few things......the way their relationship ended, whether you are completely secure with their friendship being completely platonic, and whether you are comfortable being around someone who has slept / been intimate with your partner.

For me personally, I trust my wife completely. She messages her ex directly and we are on group whatsapp chats with them both too. He even came on my stag doo before my wife and I married and i went on his. Everyone is different OP. If you are not comfortable with it you need to put your foot down and tell him. Thats said if there is nothing going on and its just friendly messages i really cant see the problem.

sammylady37 · 07/05/2020 16:36

I will never understand the mentality of someone who thinks it’s acceptable to dictate who another adult speaks to. It’s so controlling.

Original poster
fedupwithitallnow · 07/05/2020 16:51

To answer a few of your comments, it is about the deceit and lying for me, the fact that he said he's stopped doing it as it upsets me and he continues to, and thanks for the handhold.

The question about why he can’t be friends with her, when they split up it was his decision and the reasons were that she hated his son (deal breaker for him) and after the first year of being together they just had a platonic relationship, didn't like doing the same social/sports, he spent a lot of time alone etc, that’s another reason why I wonder why he is staying in contact with her.

I get why you’re saying I’m dictating/controlling and I shouldn't say he’s not allowed to talk her, but I’m not telling him he can’t, I’m telling him that by doing so it upsets me , I think there is a bit of jealousy there yes and I’ve never been like this before this and that’s what upsets me that he’s bringing this out in me.

Thanks for the guys perspective, in all other aspects I do trust him complicity, I get he wants to be updated about what her sons are up to, but why not message them instead of doing it through her, it’s the fact he’s doing it behind my back when he knows how upsetting it is for me. And, I get he's doing that because of how I react, but if he told me and messaged her whilst with me and didn't hide it, I'd deal with it better, probably still not like it but it wouldn't be hidden and I wouldn't be constantly thinking they constantly in touch when he's not with me.

What I would say in my defense is when I met my exh 20 years ago he had split up with his girlfriend of 10 years and they had a dog together so he always stayed in contact with her because we looked after the dog, I became really good friends with her, we socialised as a group with her OH and we even all went on holiday together, I never had a problem with this because it was never hidden from me.

OP posts:
OneForMeToo · 07/05/2020 17:01

Unless they where best mates who made a mistake or had a child I don’t see why you would want to be in contact with an ex. They are an ex for a reason. It would be a dealbreaker for me but would of been from day one. Just like lying.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/05/2020 17:13

I never had a problem with this because it was never hidden from me.

There you go.

You trust him in all other aspects? You shouldn't. If something tricky ever comes up, you should know now that he won't be honest with you.

Go find someone who won't lie to you in order to 'manage' you. It's so disrespectful.

Pollaidh · 07/05/2020 17:19

I think the lying is bad, but your request was absolutely unreasonable and controlling in the first place.

I am good friends with a number of my exes (I think we had about 5 at our wedding). Just because I don't want to date/shag/marry them any more doesn't mean I don't still appreciate them and like them very much. I'm best friends with some, and luckily my DH actively encourages that. If any new boyfriend had ever set me an ultimatum then he would be the one being ditched, not my friends of 20+ years.

mumto2teenagers · 07/05/2020 17:36

You say a year in to the relationship you found out, had he tried to hide it from you or was he quite open about it? If he was quite open about it then I wouldn't have a problem with it.

It sounds as though he has kept if from you since you found out because of your reaction. I would not be happy if DH told me who I was and wasn't allowed to speak to.

Original poster
fedupwithitallnow · 07/05/2020 17:39

@Pollaidh I don’t actually think you’ve read my thread properly, I haven’t given him an ultimatum, I’ve asked him if he would either tell me when she contacts him and I’m aware of it and it’s not a secret and he’s not lying to me or stop doing it because he’s upsetting me
She’s not a friend of 20+ years because I wouldn’t have an issue with that either, she’s an ex that treated him basically like shit, and to be honest I think you having five of your exes at your wedding is weird but each to their own hey

OP posts:
orangedod · 07/05/2020 17:50

I think you're having a little bit of a hard time here.

I completely wouldn't be okay with my partner regularly talking to an ex. There's nothing wrong with messages to catch up now and again, but I wouldn't be happy with the friendship and the phone calls and the regular contact.

I also appreciate that some people don't mind.

But I wouldn't stick around and try and dictate it and force someone not to speak to someone.
I'd just accept that it's a dealbreaker for me and have to move on.

Original poster
fedupwithitallnow · 07/05/2020 18:45

@orangedod thanks, I agree that some people don’t mind and I get that, in certain circumstances I wouldn’t have a problem, and some people wouldn’t accept it, each to their own like I say, just need to decide whether I can accept he’s not going to stop or put up and shut up!

OP posts:
Winterwoollies · 07/05/2020 19:16

He’s hiding it. He’s lying about it. And he would kick off if you did it.

These are all big red flags for me.

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