DP talking to ex

[fedupwithitallnow]

I've been with my DP for 4 years, he was with his ex for 4 years before us, they have no children together neither, do we.

In all the time we've been together he's stayed in contact with her, messages, phone calls, face time, though not meeting up. When I first found out, one year in that this was going on I told him I wasn't comfortable with it and didn't see a need for it and he wouldn't like it if it was the other way around, (I've never been in contact with any of my exs) I know as he can be a bit jealous and he agreed to stop contact as it was making me upset. fast forward another three years and it's still going on.

She messaged him the other day whilst i was there and he told me then deleted it quickly, i was upset by this so he showed me, nothing bad, just catching up, obvious he's phoning her from the msg, and they're chatting regularly. I was really upset and asked why he feels the need to keep doing this when it upsets me and I see it as a betrayal, as though he's putting her feelings before mine. He says he doesn't reply.

I found messages today between them yesterday, that he started off and she commented about him phoning her etc. I really don't know how to handle this. Do I accept he wants to stay in touch and my feelings don't matter or do I have it out with him again knowing deep down, he's not going to stop. I would say before I found out way back they were in contact i never doubted him and was never worried about our relationship, but now, I've changed into someone i don't like because he's continuing to do this and i worry constantly about it.

I'm wondering whether to contact her to ask about the regularity of contact?

I've NC as posted this before but got slated for being controlling.

A lot of the mums were saying they wouldn't have a problem with it and so I shouldn't, which is fair enough, but what if you do have a problem with it, would you just accept he's not going to change and let it go?

Everything else is great between us
thanks

Seems you suffered from an influx of “cool” wives and partners

Personally as they have no children together and here are old enough to involve grandchildren so he was hardly a “stepdad” I see no reason why they would stay in touch - and so much!

Who dumped who & why out of them? How often are they chatting?

He dismissed your feelings prioritising her and his and he’s repeatedly lied to you about it.

All of that would have me issuing an ultimatum that I fully meant -

CHOOSE! Me or her.

That way you’ll know where his heart lies. Loyalty is important in a relationship just as much if not more than trust in my opinion though the 2 are closely linked.

I’ve stayed friends with a couple of exes, I’ve been in relationships with people still friendly with their exes - but all honestly & openly and totally above board.

I’ve also been in a relationship with someone who was secretly in touch with their ex and constantly lied about it and eventually did cheat with her and she was well aware he was supposedly in a committed relationship (he certainly was!)

I agree it’s the deceit that takes it to a deal breaker level. No he hasn’t been forced to lie to op he could have had the spine to refuse her request to cut contact and kept it all open. He chose not to.

How is your relationship otherwise - do you live together? Engaged?

My ex husband - different ex who also cheated - also accused me of being possessive/jealous when I first started asking certain questions. Until I was with him and until that point in our relationship (and he was cheating at this point I was right and it started months before I questioned anything - had I been on mn then I’d have been told not to ignore the mentionitis, phone secrecy etc) I’d never been a jealous type mainly as I have as I said stayed in touch with several exes myself - I’ve even been to their weddings to other friends of mine.

Never date liars! totally agree

My ex was a habitual liar which I ignored as initially it was about stupid minor things, as the relationship went on it became about more important things and eventually it was to cover the affair

@Graphista thanks for your input.

I've had a couple of serious chats with him over the weekend laid out how I feel in that I will get to the point where I have to decide whether it's something I can live with or whether I walk away as it's too upsetting. He reassures me that she's is just a friend, I believe it when he tells me he wouldn't meet up with her, she's in another country which helps, I don't want to give him an ultimatum, I feel he should cut off contact of his own accord because it upsets me not because I'm forcing him to, which I wouldn't do, also he could easily say he has and hasn't.

All other aspects of our relationship are great, we don't live together, he would but I'm happy as we are at the moment, though we plan to in the future and we are engaged.

I'd be really upset. He deliberately misled you at the beginning and has lied to you since.

I don't know why people are calling you controlling. You didn't ask him to cut her off because he pretended they weren't in touch.

I abhor liars. I would really struggle here to trust him.

You're not controlling and this is not okay.
I wouldn't be okay with this at all.
You've asked him to stop and he hasn't which is disrespectful.
Also, you said it's changed you as a person. I would re think if I want to be with this man or be engaged to someone that disrespects you and constantly lies to make you feel paranoid. It won't get better.

Some people are good friends with exes and that’s normal for them. I’m not comfortable with it either and would hate it if DH did this. He’s in the wrong because you specified a dislike for it and he’s continued for years behind your back. I’d leave.

What SpillTheTeaa said. I'd refuse to be engaged to someone who could lie to me like this. Huge lack of respect for you.

Do you live together? I feel this is important as he's older. If you're not living together than don't really see that it's any of your business who else he speaks to outside the relationship - life is long, and so are our emotional ties. He may not want to be with her anymore, but still feel strongly that he wants to keep her in his life. That's his call, and it's up to you whether that makes you too uncomfortable to proceed

@YukoandHiro, no we don't yet live together. And, I agree, it's none of my business who he speaks to, however, an ex isn't just anybody, it's someone he's had a sexual relationship with and I've expressed my unhappiness with this from the beginning of our relationship.

I've decided after taking all posts advice on board and after two lengthy conversations with him this weekend that I am going to accept it for now, due to our relationship being great apart from this, and accept that she's no threat etc and move on, however, if in the future it raises it's ugly head again to the point I feel like I did last week, I know I have to walk away
thank you all for your advice x

I am still in occasional contact with my XH. We had no children. I tell my DH every time I talk to XH and remind him he is free to look at emails or texts, though he has never actually done so.

I don’t think there is any problem with remaining casual friends with an ex as long as you are transparent about it with your current partner. The minute there are secrets is the minute it becomes a problem.

YABU and controlling. You have no right to try and dictate who he can and can’t talk to; it’s none of your businesss.

@heartsonacake I have said all along here, if you’d read the whole thread, that I’m not dictating Who he can and can’t speak to, what I’m doing is telling him that his speaking to his ex is upsetting me, and I beg to differ that it’s none of my business when it’s affecting our relationship

and I beg to differ that it’s none of my business when it’s affecting our relationship

The only reason it’s affecting your relationship OP is because you’re paranoid and jealous over nothing. He hasn’t done anything wrong; his friends aren’t your concern.

If tomorrow your husband suddenly decided to be jealous and paranoid over someone you’re close with for no reason and emotionally manipulated you into not texting/talking/seeing them I hope you’d be okay with that because that’s exactly what you’re doing.

I am still friends with few of my exes. We still know same people in the area I grew up in so we sometimes catch up and I am in regular contact with one of them.
If my DH said he doesn't want me to talk to someone, no matter who, he would be an exDH. I don't tolerate controlling behaviour.