Would you say this to a child or teenager?

[rainbowcat11]

"I love you but I don't like you"

My father said this to me so many times growing up. I was telling a friend about it and they thought it was a very damaging thing for a parent to say. He did make me feel like a very unlikable person no matter what I did and always believed and thought the worst in me. Or is this something lots of parents say?

I heard it when I was young and I wouldn't say it to my teens, however I think I have said "I love you, but I don't like your behaviour at the moment" which is different.

Hell no. I don’t particularly like one of my children (it’s very difficult to be in that position). But I’d never tell him, it’s downright abusive.

My mum said this to me when I was being a teenage nightmare and it made me worse, I lost self esteem. I wouldn't ever say it to my kids, may say something like I don't like this behaviour but not them as people.

The phrase I have used in the past is I love you but I don't like your behaviour.
Do you think that was the message he was trying to get across.

Yes I’ve been told that and it’s not nice, still to this day I don’t think my dad likes me

I have said that to my son in the past when he was around 16 , only once though and that was because he was turning into a vile bully who no one wanted to be around .
It was true as he was tearing down anyone he could .
It helped massively though and he realised how others saw him and things got better .
4 years on and he’s a different person , of course it could just be maturity but he says he’s embarrassed by how he was when younger .

My mum used to say this and still quotes it now as though it was a marvellous parenting technique. I hate it.

I do say 'I love you but I don't like your behaviour at the moment' is that damaging do you think?

I think it's an effort to say - despite the fact you're being horrible I still love you. Which in essence is okay.

But all I hear is - if your own parent doesn't like you who will?

What age were you when he said this? If he said I love you but don't like your behaviour that's very different to I love you but I don't like you.

I was never told that and I would never say it either!

Sorry posted to soon and saying either of those things to a child is not right,how could they understand?A teenager could but not younger.

I think telling your child ‘I love you but...’ is never going to help their self esteem. Children won’t always hear the rest of the sentence or comprehend what it means. I love my DD. Nothing. Will change that. If she’s done something a bit naughty, we always end with a cuddle and me telling her I love her. She’s 6 and she always comes and tells me if something has happened.

My foster mum said this to me multiple times when I was growing up.
But in my situation it was used in a wider picture of abuse. So I do not like it and I would never say it to my kids.

"I love you, but I don't like your behaviour at the moment" which is different.*
It really isnt different. MN parents can fool themselves in believing children are gullible. But most children can work it for themselves and see through the semantics

I agree bruffin when a parent says ‘I don’t like your behaviour’ their dc hears ‘I don’t like you’

I say I love you but I don't like your behaviour at the moment. It's not damaging as such as it's separating the child from the behaviour they are displaying.

MN parents can fool themselves in believing children are gullible. But most children can work it for themselves and see through the semantics
Separating the behaviour from the child is perfectly reasonable.
It's possible to not like the behaviour someone is displaying whilst loving them as a person.

The fact some people think challenges to behaviour are the same as criticisms of the person might explain why we sometimes have trainees who think constructive criticism and anything other than glowing feedback is bullying.

I agree - anything following the words 'I love you but......' is only going to be heard as I dont love you

*agree with cuckoo

I hope you mean I love you but I don’t like you right now, or I love you but I don’t like your behaviour. Fair enough.
Just I love you but don’t like you - which pretty much means, if I wasn’t your mother I would think you’re shit, so lots of other people probably think the same, you’ve generally got a crap personality. That’s nasty.

It depends on age and how it's expressed doesn't it?

"I love you but..." to a child is very different to saying "you know I love you, but that doesn't change the fact that X was out of order" to a teenager.

No. I don't believe "I love you" should ever be qualified with a "but...." when discussing children's behaviour.

Yes heard it all the time as a child and even now haha
My mums special comment. We had a bit of a tumultuous relationship but we are really close. It did make me feel like a was a bit of an unlikeable person when I was basically experiencing any difficult type of emotion so I do tend to hide emotions but that’s my personality anyway. I’m a bit of a pleaser

My DM used to say that she always loved me but didn’t like me very much at times.