Page 2 | Would you say this to a child or teenager?

rainbowcat11 · 2020-05-07T08:03:45+00:00

"I love you but I don't like you" My father said this to me so many times growing up. I was telling a friend about it and they thought it was a very damaging thing for a parent to say. He did make me feel like a very unlikable person no matter what I did and always believed and thought the worst in me. Or is this something lots of parents say?

pilates · 07/05/2020 09:39

No I wouldn’t

bruffin · 07/05/2020 09:45

The fact some people think challenges to behaviour are the same as criticisms of the person might explain why we sometimes have trainees who think constructive criticism and anything other than glowing feedback is bullying.
I didnt say I didnt challenge behaviour, just parent believing that children cant see through their semantics.
I would have thought the children that grown up to not take criticism are those with parents who pussy foot around them with statements ;ike "I love you but dont like your behaviour"

user1468953505 · 07/05/2020 09:48

My mum said that to me several times as a child/ teenager and I bloody hated it at the time.

I think it caused some self esteem issues (maybe not in itself but combined with everything else).

I'd NEVER say it to my kids. But I'd never threaten to put them into 'care' either. Which my mum did several times until I said "I wish you would".

SimonJT · 07/05/2020 09:51

No, I definitely sometimes think it when he has been a little monster, but it isn’t something I would ever say to him.

msmith501 · 07/05/2020 09:53

I heard it a lot as a child and it always meant that although I love you, I don't like the way you are behaving right now. Taken in that context and given that I was misbehaving, it seemed fine and a way of learning what was acceptable and what was not. What's the alternative? A good slap or the hours of negotiation that we often see nowadays from parents who singularly fail to prepare their children for adulthood.

RevIMJolly · 07/05/2020 09:54

I think it’s awful. And I would never say that to my children.

My mother’s phrase that I particularly hated was “I ask myself Where did I go wrong raising you?”
It made me feel that everything about me was damaged, and it also it was a way of taking any autonomy away from me.

Annamaria14 · 07/05/2020 09:54

My mum said to me "if you weren't my daughter I would have nothing to do with you"

coronabeer23 · 07/05/2020 09:58

I've said to my kids "I love you with all my heart but I really don't like the way that you are behaving at the moment" I think that's quite fair.

msmith501 · 07/05/2020 10:08

For those who don't like the phrase when said in he context of ."..but I don't like the way you are behaving right now", how do you get your children to understand that the way they are behaving isn't nice, isn't going to be liked by others etc. Is this perhaps the reason for the number of indulged teenagers around today who think behaving obnoxiously is perfectly acceptable? How do you stop the "entitlement" that so many feel when they are not being guided at home?

bruffin · 07/05/2020 10:10

I think the problem is using "I dont like" in the first place, whether it is the child or the behaviour.
Surely its better to say something like "what you are doing at the moment is not acceptable"
Children do need to take responsibility for their own behaviour, separating it from the child could end up believing nothing is their fault.

BottomleyPottsCoveredInSpots · 07/05/2020 10:11

No, never said it. Can't really see why it's helpful to say "I love you but I don't like your behaviour/at the moment" either as it's fairly obvious from the context that the parent isn't liking the behaviour.

I did have one very tempestuous (though fortunately not particularly badly behaved as in wild) teenager who frequently told me she hated me. I just used to say "Well, fortunately I love you". I did once lose it with her over her being really unjustifiably rude and unreasonable, enough to say, "If living with me is so bad, why don't you ask to live with your dad and stepmum?" At that moment I almost wished she would, but she knew perfectly well her dad would be a lot harder to live with, not to mention her stepmum. It wasn't particularly calculated and I wouldn't recommend it but it was quite effective as I think she saw the reality of the situation from the comparison.

zscaler · 07/05/2020 10:12

I think it’s a terrible thing to say. It implies that you’re loved due to some kind of familial obligation, not because you deserve it. It comes across as a very cruel rejection.

I agree that ‘I don’t like this behaviour’ is very different to ‘I don’t like you’.

BottomleyPottsCoveredInSpots · 07/05/2020 10:15

Incidentally (having just seen msmith501's comment) mine were scrupulously polite to everyone else, including their dad and stepmum. I tended to accept this as just the inevitable result of my being the closest adult in their lives and the one who had to say "no". The elder was much easier than the younger anyway.

BottomleyPottsCoveredInSpots · 07/05/2020 10:17

Also, just to add, she grew out of it and is much nicer as a twenty-something!

Thefaceofboe · 07/05/2020 10:18

No but I say it to my DP all the time

drspouse · 07/05/2020 10:20

My DS has SEN and behaviour problems. His specialist school say "we know you are a lovely boy/you can be very thoughtful but what you did wasn't kind"; we try to say similar.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 07/05/2020 10:20

For those who don't like the phrase when said in he context of ."..but I don't like the way you are behaving right now", how do you get your children to understand that the way they are behaving isn't nice, isn't going to be liked by others etc. Is this perhaps the reason for the number of indulged teenagers around today who think behaving obnoxiously is perfectly acceptable? How do you stop the "entitlement" that so many feel when they are not being guided at home?

I explain to my DD why we can’t do things. “No, we mustn’t throw the cushions in the lounge because we might break something. If you want to throw it, you have to do that in the garden.” I never say I don’t like or I love you but. I have always used this technique. Even when DD was a toddler and throwing a tantrum about not being allowed to do something, I would explain why not, give her a cuddle and then give her something she could do. I have always had comments from people about how well behaved and respectful she is.

revelsandrose · 07/05/2020 10:20

My mum used to say it to me all the time, in fact it was probably the only time she ever did say she loved me. As well as telling me she had told x y & z what I was like and they were disgusted, also that I was a nasty person.
I hadn't ever done anything that bad, she used to say these things in front of other people and my friends, compare me to others, why can't I be more like so and so, openly fawn over my friends and ignore me. She would tell me I was pretty and clever, but fat (I wasn't) and nasty???
Really messed me up, hated myself for years, had to have lots of counselling, still have lots of issues now, so no I would never say that to my child, it's a hurtful thing to say.

Porcupineinwaiting · 07/05/2020 10:21

Not sure. At some point teens do need to realise that how people view them does depend on how they behave. Why would family like you even when you treat them like shit?

bruffin · 07/05/2020 10:21

msmith501
Mine are 22 and 24 now, so past teenage years, i think its about consequences when they were younger. I had very few teenage problems but they tended to learn for themselves. Every child is different and my two are very very different so they got handled very differently
DS there was no point in spending time rowing with him as i knew very well that he needed to go away and think about things and he would work it out for himself. He has gone into the work place and flown , promoted twice in a year and been noticed by top brass etc

DD is another story but again she is kind and caring , lots of friends and again gets glowing references in the work place etc

Theyve made mistakes and had to go the long way round things but get their in the end

drspouse · 07/05/2020 10:23

@BottomleyPottsCoveredInSpots yes, we have a mini five year old teenager as well as DS and our response to that is "oh dear, well I do love you".
I know some people say "no, you don't hate me" but in that moment I'm guessing they do, or at least they hate what we've said!

Dialdownthedrama · 07/05/2020 10:25

I think I love you but the way you behave/treat others is not acceptable and it does effect others negatively, is fine in teens.

BottomleyPottsCoveredInSpots · 07/05/2020 10:26

drspouse
a mini five year old teenager

Sympathy - they're the worst kind of teenagers!

Lolapusht · 07/05/2020 10:32

Horrendous thing to say that basically tells the child you don’t like them. Hearing that from a parent at a young age will programme you to think you are worthless and not likeable. If your parent doesn’t like you, who on earth will? @msmith501 etc, why are you mentioning that you love your child when discussing unwanted behaviour? Loving your child is unconditional and shouldn’t be used as a way to make them behave. It’s basically saying that if you don’t behave I won’t love you. Don’t mention love in those conversations! Deal with the behaviour, address the problem then when that’s all done with then a while later tell them you love them. No caveats, no conditions. You love them and that’s it.

Cosyblanky · 07/05/2020 10:33

Neither of my parents ever told me they loved me. I think maybe this more damaging?