My mum is insanely jealous of my MIL

[VodkaCranberry2]

Just that really. Ever since I got pregnant and had a baby she has been awful about my in-laws. Been with partner for 18 months and got pregnant when I was 6 months. It was a shock, and was unplanned as I was told I couldn’t have children. MIL wasn’t best pleased at first as we had been together such a short time but came around quickly and had been so excited to meet him since he was born a month ago. But now my own mum seems to be in competition with her and is making it very hard for my and my DP. She has told me that my MIL best not play ‘nanny of the year’ because ‘she didn’t even want that baby’. She is constantly telling me that she will hold baby first after lockdown is relaxed and will be angry if MIL gets to. When baby was born demanded that she be the first to receive a picture and not my MIL. After my baby shower she randomly told me my MIL doesn’t like me, which is most bizarre as why would my MIL tell her that of all people? Came out as being a load of bullshit, we get on very well and text regularly. MIL is a funeral directors wife and someone recently said he should get another job. My mother saw the comment on Facebook and texted me about it and I said I doubt that will happen as his company makes millions. She said ‘my grandchild won’t care about that; he’ll be with his grandad’ (about my dad). Before lockdown I said it would be nice for us all to get together for a BBQ and she said that wouldn’t be happening as she won’t be getting close to them. She basically wants to be #1 grandparent in my son’s life and would love it if DP’s family stayed in the background. It’s absolutely ridiculous and I feel bad for my DP as I’m trying to do all I can to ensure both families are just as involved. Just the other day I tagged my MIL’s mother in a post of my son as she has never met him, and my mum said ‘I see you’ve got a new friend’. When I said it was DP’s grandmother she said ‘You better make sure you’re sending photos to my mum too.’ Everything is a competition and it’s making me worry about what’s going to happen as my son gets older and lockdown restrictions are relaxed. This isn’t normal behaviour, is it?

It's not normal at all. Tell her to grow up or she won't be around her grandson at all.

Stop pandering to her nonsense, and tell her you won't be a party to her ridiculous insecurities. If that means you have to go low contact, so be it. She can call when she grows up.

This is so annoying. I have the same with my MIL, she sees our DD more due to geography and circumstance but gets so jealous when she hears about my mum or dad seeing her which is only occasional. Ridiculous! My DD is 3 and it’s getting less but still frustrating and frequent enough to be a “thing” You have my sympathy.

You can’t force her to get on with your MIL but she’s being ridiculous and you should stop pandering to her.

Has your mum always been self centred? My mum has form for behaving like this and it’s so embarrassing and exhausting so you have my sympathy. Best advice I can give you is don’t accept this behaviour from her. Either she stops her nonsense and pathetic behaviour or there will be repercussions. And the most obvious ones are that she won’t have as much involvement with you and her grandson and your MIL may well end up seeing more of you than she does. My mum goes through phases of being a total fanny but usually soon stops when I pull her up on it.

Tell her to grow up and stop being stupid, because if she keeps going with the pathetic comments then she won't be involved at all.

Some people take the view that the maternal grandmother is somehow more important or special than the paternal grandmother. A former colleague of mine was like that. She used to say that myself and another colleague who are both mothers of sons, would always be the 'second choice ' grandmother to any grandchildren. Since then, we have all become grandparents and funnily enough, myself and my other colleague definitely have 'equal standing ' with our dgc. I guess we are lucky that, like your MIL, we have lovely DILs who recognise that we are all equally important to our grandchildren and they make sure we are fully included. Sometimes we see them more and sometimes they do.
Your mum is obviously like my work friend who wanted to make sure that as maternal grandmother, she was somehow more important. It's sad in a way, because the quality of the grandparent/ grandchild relationship stems from the attitude of the adult (IME and imo) , not just because of her relationship to the child.
Thank you for in including your MIL and treating her as equal. I can't tell you how much that means. 💐

My mum is also a twat about grandparent time. If she does something super egregious I tell her off. Otherwise I ignore her. Like i don't message back to her ridiculous messages. Don't really have a solution for you though sorry, but you're not the only one.

She was supposed to come and stay to help with my son as I am due any day, however she lives 400 miles away so obviously that can't happen now. She had an absolute shit fit that MIL will drive us to the hospital instead. At a time when I could use her support her petty bullshit really weighs me down.

Absolutely do not pander to this. Your DS has two sets of grandparents and one set should not take precedence over the other unless you want that for whatever reason. How would your DM feel if MIL was behaving like this and trying to push her out? As a GP I have always felt it is very important that for everyone’s sakes that neither set of GPs feel in competition. When I visit DD and family I send them videos and pics of our DGC and they do the same when they visit. I always talk to DGC about her other grandparents and pass on presents/hugs and kisses from them. At the end of the day we have the most precious people in our lives in common and it is selfish and very mean for your DM to try be the No.1 grandparent. I would point out that it would be unkind and how would she feel if that was done to her etc etc.

Wow its normally the mil who acts like this isn't it not the maternal grandma

Is she envious of their money, or her looks, their lifestyle?

It’s just if you fell pregnant six months in. Your mother wouldn’t really have known her, so the pregnancy may have co incided with her getting to know her.

So I’m wondering if it’s the baby, or actually if it’s she’s just jealous of her full stop.

She's being nuts, but to be charitable this virus is sending us all nuts. Imagine having a grandchild and not being allowed to meet him or her by law for an undefined period. Heartbreaking.

I would treat her like a small child and completely blank the unacceptable behaviour (when she says something jealous eg) and lovebomb her other wise. Tell her how much you're looking forward to seeing her, introducing the baby etc. If it carries on after all this stern words are required but I think saying them now will just make it worse in all honesty.

How awful that so many of you have to deal with this shit. You would think any grandparent would feel wonderful about their grandchildren having multiple loving grandparents. I honestly don't know how you put up with this fuckwittery.

I think your mum is worried about being pushed out, but no excuse for her behaviour.
Tbh, I feel a bit the same but would never say anything to my son.
his mil has to be the first and because she is so loud and pushes in, our side of the family are shunned.
It's hurtful and even before lockdown i felt pushed out and missing my gd.
Do speak to her and reassure her, but at the same time be quite stern that if she doesn't attend family gatherings she will miss out.
It is an awful feeling OP, maybe she just needs some reassurance.

Sorry op should have added, if she’s just envious of them full stop then the baby may be a way for her to get one up on them, to feel superior.

What was your relationship like with your dads mum growing up?

Reminds me very much of my mum, Just after I had my baby I called my family members to let them know, they all knew already as mum had already phoned them to tell them, Never forgot that she took that moment from me.

She hated my inlaws too, always making digs and having a go at them, she had to be the one to buy the pram, she wanted to be the first to hold him in the hospital after I had him, my grandparents made it there before her and my grandad ended up being the first to hold the baby and my mum decided to give me the silent treatment for two weeks, the last straw for me was when she slipped up in conversation with a friend of hers and said "I took my son out today shopping with me, oh, I mean my grandson, easily slips out sometimes that I have two kids now" (I am an only child)

No, its not normal. Not at all.

Well she might feel quite defensive of you if your Mil was unpleasant to you early doors: I know I get quite tiger mum about people being nasty to my kids even though they are grown up. If she thinks your Mil really hurt you she might never come round to her.

Honestly, she is being quite silly, but some reassurance from you that she is top dog (even if you intend being equal) would probably calm her down a bit.

DS is 13 months but I remember so many issues when pregnant re MIL and DM competing. They both bought 'first outfits' for him to wear home from hospital and we had to go and buy our own outfit for him so it didn't look as though we were picking sides, so silly but at the time we didn't want to appease either of them because they were annoying us so much with their tit for tats. It has died down a bit and I've also noticed that DM will often offer to mind my DS after I mention MIL has had him, like she she doesn't want to be seen as the one doing less

I had similar with my mum when dd was born. My mil was dying of cancer, she hung on for months beyond the predictions so she could see dd.

My mum got very arsey about me "risking her life" by going in to see mil. She was in a private room and not ill with anything contagious. It ended in a huge row where I basically told my mum that of mil couldn't see dd then she wouldn't be seeing her either as that wouldn't be fair. She soon shut up.

It has massively backfired on her. My mil died when dd was 9 weeks and although dd has no memory of her she "loves grandma in heaven more than anyone in the world" She has a copy of the only photo we ever got of them together in her bedroom and talks to it daily. When dd is anxious or insecure about things her goto phrase is "I miss my grandma"

Stand your ground Op. You son has 1 family... Its her choice of she wants to be part of it but you won't ostracise your mil

TinklyLittleLaugh The OP only says that MIL was not best pleased. It doesn't say anything about MIL being nasty.

OP, I think you are going to have to be firm with your DM. It looks like she's the only one trying to be competitive and this needs nipping in the bud now if you don't want it going on forever.

Your mother sounds exhausting, @VodkaCranberry2. I’d be tempted to tell her to grow up. I do sympathise though as it can be quite hard to sort your own parents out even when you know they’re being unreasonable and petty.

I'm sorry so many people have dm/mils like this, but I feel better for this thread, thank you.
I know I'm doing the right thing standing back and not competing, but we really are pushed out completely. No issues, all get on fine, have a laugh at family gatherings etc. They are lovely people, but she just takes over.

Before lockdown is over you need to tell your mum that it’s not a competition and that she needs to get a grip, your child has 2 grandmas and she needs to accept that!

She is being ridiculous!

What's her opinion of your DH?

Every time she says "I'd better be first" simply say "Why?" Say "He's DH's son too, and MIL is HIS mum. Both sets of grandparents are equally important in our baby's life"

And if she continues to kick off tell her that since she's making your life difficult you are leaning towards letting MIL be the first to see him.