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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mum is insanely jealous of my MIL

63 replies

VodkaCranberry2 · 06/05/2020 20:10

Just that really. Ever since I got pregnant and had a baby she has been awful about my in-laws. Been with partner for 18 months and got pregnant when I was 6 months. It was a shock, and was unplanned as I was told I couldn’t have children. MIL wasn’t best pleased at first as we had been together such a short time but came around quickly and had been so excited to meet him since he was born a month ago. But now my own mum seems to be in competition with her and is making it very hard for my and my DP. She has told me that my MIL best not play ‘nanny of the year’ because ‘she didn’t even want that baby’. She is constantly telling me that she will hold baby first after lockdown is relaxed and will be angry if MIL gets to. When baby was born demanded that she be the first to receive a picture and not my MIL. After my baby shower she randomly told me my MIL doesn’t like me, which is most bizarre as why would my MIL tell her that of all people? Came out as being a load of bullshit, we get on very well and text regularly. MIL is a funeral directors wife and someone recently said he should get another job. My mother saw the comment on Facebook and texted me about it and I said I doubt that will happen as his company makes millions. She said ‘my grandchild won’t care about that; he’ll be with his grandad’ (about my dad). Before lockdown I said it would be nice for us all to get together for a BBQ and she said that wouldn’t be happening as she won’t be getting close to them. She basically wants to be #1 grandparent in my son’s life and would love it if DP’s family stayed in the background. It’s absolutely ridiculous and I feel bad for my DP as I’m trying to do all I can to ensure both families are just as involved. Just the other day I tagged my MIL’s mother in a post of my son as she has never met him, and my mum said ‘I see you’ve got a new friend’. When I said it was DP’s grandmother she said ‘You better make sure you’re sending photos to my mum too.’ Everything is a competition and it’s making me worry about what’s going to happen as my son gets older and lockdown restrictions are relaxed. This isn’t normal behaviour, is it?

OP posts:

1forAll74 · 07/05/2020 04:21

Try if possible, to stop listening to all this inane talk from your Mother..
I don't know if it would be classed as jealousy, but just a slightly sad and unhinged mindset from your Mother. She will do herself no favours being as she is, so go and give her your views on this, and tell her how you feel.

Nattyjackie · 07/05/2020 06:50

Treat her as practice for when your DS grows up. When she makes a nasty comment say something like 'that's not nice' or 'there's no need to be jealous you will get ....... too'.

You can subtly call her out on her behavious. If she starts stropping say something like 'I think we will leave it for today and talk another time' then disengage.

Treat her behaviour like tantrums and don't feed into them or condone them.

SunshineCake · 07/05/2020 07:12

Definitely do not tell your mother she is top dog to placate her. Ridiculous advice. It is like giving in to a bully.

BTB kids do perfectly well with just one set of grandparents if they have too..

Fruitsaladjelly · 07/05/2020 09:11

This sounds really hard work. It’s hardly surprising your MIL voiced concerns about a pregnancy 6 months into a relationship and I’m amazed your mother chooses to make something of this.

steggybigback · 07/05/2020 09:23

My parents are like this! Not to the same extent, frankly I’d have told them to fuck off long ago if they were.

But it is frustrating and upsetting, not to mention awkward because I prefer my in laws company to theirs. It does upset me that they can’t just be happy that we’ve had a nice day out with the in laws (pre-lockdown), when it is the other way round and I mention in conversation to MIL “oh we went to such and such at the weekend with my parents”, her response is always genuine and she’s pleased we’ve had a nice time.

Anyway, I’m rambling now. But please don’t let this come between you and your MIL. That relationship is so important for your dc, especially as they sound nice and normal. Your DMs behaviour is awful and I would tell her how it’s making you feel x

zscaler · 07/05/2020 09:44

God, this thread makes me feel so grateful for my own mother - if anything, she goes out of her way to make sure my MIL is as included as she is (no concerns there - my MIL is also just a lovely woman). Both have been so supportive of my pregnancy.

OP I would adopt a policy of saying something firm and short every time your mother does this, e.g. ‘this isn’t a competition and if you treat it like one I’m going to end this conversation’. Then if she persists, say ‘I’m not willing to listen to this’ and hang up the phone / stop texting back. If it’s in person, firmly change the subject. She will soon get the message that you simply aren’t going to indulge her.

GrumpyHoonMain · 07/05/2020 12:17

Just go low contact with your mum. Block her mobile if you have to, and give all updates via your dad.

saraclara · 07/05/2020 12:35

this isn’t a competition and if you treat it like one I’m going to end this conversation

Yep. Over and over. With the occasional "both baby's grandparents are equally important"

Mary46 · 07/05/2020 12:49

Great post laserbird. Op would find my mam like that too. My mil is great zero drama. I said it lately too that she great just an easy lady. I say my mam wasnt impressed!! Ignore it but hard to I know. She tried it with my sister as she gets on well with mil

Iwalkinmyclothing · 07/05/2020 13:02

She is constantly telling me that she will hold baby first after lockdown is relaxed and will be angry if MIL gets to.

My response to that would be "You won't be holding the baby at all if you carry on with this shit".

I have literally zero patience with stuff like this and no time for sugar coating. Tell her straight: she is making an absolute fool of herself and the more she behaves like this, the less contact she will have with any of you. And when she screeches/ sulks about it, tell her again that she is making it still less likely that you will want to have contact with her- and mean it and stick to it! Don't reward her bad behaviour, what motivation will she have to change it if she gets what she wants through it?

FirstTimeMum54321 · 07/05/2020 13:09

Your mum isn't nuts or ridiculous, she's suffering from jealousy. We have all suffered it at some point in our lives. Would it be worth talking to her about it and trying to find out where it stems from, and why she feels threatened?

Absolutelunacy · 07/05/2020 13:25

This is what my mum is like, it’s no better 10 years on. It stems from the fact that I had postnatal depression and Mil used to have my dd every weekend to give me a break so she became close with dd. Mil did/does have a tendency to try and take over but is really good when it’s pointed out so I think it hopefully comes from a genuine place rather than trying to be mum. I’ve learnt to ignore my mum over it now and not rise to it after all this time as it’s not worth it

Ilovecats23 · 07/05/2020 15:35

Hey my mother does this too! Not quite at blunt as your DM, mine make more sly comments and only gets blunt when she thinks she’s been ‘one-upped’ but yep it’s totally down to jealously.
I think with my mother she knows my DPs family could ‘technically’ give my children more as they have more money etc and she’s a very materialistic person.
It’s ridiculous but I just ignore the lot of it. I don’t react or reply to any comment and continue with the conversation like she didn’t even say anything, she’s gotten a lot better now but it’s taken 20 months!

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