My mum is insanely jealous of my MIL

[VodkaCranberry2]

Just that really. Ever since I got pregnant and had a baby she has been awful about my in-laws. Been with partner for 18 months and got pregnant when I was 6 months. It was a shock, and was unplanned as I was told I couldn’t have children. MIL wasn’t best pleased at first as we had been together such a short time but came around quickly and had been so excited to meet him since he was born a month ago. But now my own mum seems to be in competition with her and is making it very hard for my and my DP. She has told me that my MIL best not play ‘nanny of the year’ because ‘she didn’t even want that baby’. She is constantly telling me that she will hold baby first after lockdown is relaxed and will be angry if MIL gets to. When baby was born demanded that she be the first to receive a picture and not my MIL. After my baby shower she randomly told me my MIL doesn’t like me, which is most bizarre as why would my MIL tell her that of all people? Came out as being a load of bullshit, we get on very well and text regularly. MIL is a funeral directors wife and someone recently said he should get another job. My mother saw the comment on Facebook and texted me about it and I said I doubt that will happen as his company makes millions. She said ‘my grandchild won’t care about that; he’ll be with his grandad’ (about my dad). Before lockdown I said it would be nice for us all to get together for a BBQ and she said that wouldn’t be happening as she won’t be getting close to them. She basically wants to be #1 grandparent in my son’s life and would love it if DP’s family stayed in the background. It’s absolutely ridiculous and I feel bad for my DP as I’m trying to do all I can to ensure both families are just as involved. Just the other day I tagged my MIL’s mother in a post of my son as she has never met him, and my mum said ‘I see you’ve got a new friend’. When I said it was DP’s grandmother she said ‘You better make sure you’re sending photos to my mum too.’ Everything is a competition and it’s making me worry about what’s going to happen as my son gets older and lockdown restrictions are relaxed. This isn’t normal behaviour, is it?

Before lockdown I said it would be nice for us all to get together for a BBQ and she said that wouldn’t be happening as she won’t be getting close to them.

Well she won't get invited to things at your home the PILs do then, will she? I can't imagine she'll be impressed when that happens.

They're rich ? That's why. She's worried they will be able to provide " more enriching activities " ( shitload more Christmas presents ).

Someone should explain to your DM that competition is the thief of joy. There is no more explosive manifestation of that old pearl of wisdom than one set of grandparents resenting the time the other set of grandparents spends with the DGC. Or, for that matter, when DsIL resent the time MiL's daughter's children spend with their grandparents (for whatever reason it usually is the maternal side who see them more).

It would be so much easier if relationships were taken on their individual circumstances and merit, rather than this perpetual concern with dividing up time like neat pizza slices. Life's rarely that straightforward, or as easily compartmentalised.

How can anyone think that behaviour like this will have any other consequence than to drive people away? Or fail to recognise that if they start this sort of battle with their DGC's mother there will only ever be one winner? I genuinely don't get it.

My in-laws do have money but my MIL married rich, and they’re both totally normal people, she always had a council house and was a single mum before meeting her husband. They’re so lovely so it really sucks. And my mum seems to be okay with my DP but will make shitty comments or roll her eyes at him sometimes.

Sounds like your DM has had everything planned in her head about how it would be when baby arrived. She wasn't planning on the 'other woman' (other grandmother)coming around to the idea and hoped they'd be estranged.
My guess is she'd be quite happy if you were single. I'd be careful of my relationship with my partner as I bet it wouldn't take much for her to start meddling. Anything to keep you and grandchild on her 'side'.

Oh My God!!!!
Do we have the same mother?????
That sounds exactly like my mum.

My DM can be a bit like this,but it has never really become a major problem as we haven't let it become one
Ignore bad behaviour Reward good behaviour LOL 😆
Having said that it's not unusual for a mum to be closer to her own parents
I get on very well with my ILS but I see more of my parents and my ILS see masses of my SIL and do a lot for her family

Maybe it’s because your her mum and she’ll MIL jealous of your relationship despite the kid and is now using the kid as a way of acting out. Was she like this before ? It’s very unfair yes your her mum but the kid is also you DP so his mum, MIL has just as much right. She seem unable to look at things from anyone else’s perspective than her own.

My mum is exactly the same, my children are older now and she has damaged their relationship with her.
They find her exhausting and don’t care that we rarely see her, in fact she hasn’t been mentioned during lockdown but they’ve called my mil (by choice) a lot.

My mum was the same I just couldn't be doing with it. Not just in competition with MIL but also with me. Coming out with all this 'who loves you best' shite to DS and completely undermining me to try and strengthen her position with him. Always grilling him about what he'd done with grandma, what she'd bought him, how much fun he'd had and ramming home how much better it was with nanny. I've been NC with her for years because it's just so toxic.

How sad that your DM sees your MIL as competition. She must be pretty insecure. I wonder what her own relationship with her MIL was like and whether she is deflecting. Regardless you should not stand for it and if she causes a fuss remind her your son has as much right to be seen by her paternal grandparents as your parents and you will not be playing one off against each other so it would be much easier if you all got along. Are they all local to you?

Such a shame, because the more people who love our children the better. My ex was peeved because our dgd was talking to her other grandmother when he phoned.

My mum did this with my children over 20 years ago. She made life really difficult and caused a lot of upset. She hasn’t seen her grand children for about 8 years and they don’t miss her. It’s very sad and she’s almost 80 now but she just made things so unpleasant

What's her problem? Is she always like this op? She sounds really fundamentally unpleasant.

some reassurance from you that she is top dog (even if you intend being equal) would probably calm her down a bit.

But she isn't top dog and her appalling behaviour shouldn't be 'rewarded' with that lie. And it really won't put an end to it. She'll make MIL's life miserable if OP tells her she's top dog.

A child's connection with its grandparents doesn't depend on how much contact they have. It's quality, not quantity that counts. We saw our maternal grandmother every week when we were kids and none of us have particularly fond memories of her, whereas our paternal grandmother, who we saw 2 or 3 times a year, we loved to bits. Her warmth, love and the genuine interest she took in us is something we all treasure.

I'm going to be a granny for the first time later this year, and I'm going to try to be just like the gran I loved so much.

Ok well here goes. I have two daughters neither of whom have children. However if they do somewhere deep down inside in that primitive bit of me I would want to be number one grandma..
I promise I will try and keep those feelings down and act grown up and responsible if I ever get to be a grandma. The only way I can explain it is how would you feel if your child said their stepmother was ‘best’ mum?
Sorry I know I am unreasonable, I will try.

Sympathies, my mum is very self-centred like this. She will set herself up to do certain things and then tantrum if they don’t go just as she wants. So for example, when ds1 was little she absolutely had to buy his first shoes or first bike or whatever. If I told her she wasn’t being fair to my ILs she’d say YES BUT IT’S NOT MY FAULT THEY DON’T HAVE A DAUGHTER. Like, WTF?!

It was pure jealousy. She made it into a competition all by herself!

I ended up basically having to tell them both that any large gifts such as a bike would be shared between them, which the ILs were very happy to do but not my own mum.

My children are much older now but it gave me such a headache when they were younger. I consider that they have been very VERY lucky to grow up with four grandparents who love them (I didn’t) and petty jealousies aren’t going to ruin the stuff that matters.

I had this, my mum wasn’t that bad but she was worried she’d be pushed out! It’s not the case, I had to reassure her a lot that they were both on the same level. Nobody would get priority. My MIL actually asked what my mum wanted to be called for example “Nanna” then MIL said oh now I’ll have to be “grandma” it’s not the case they’re both Nanna.

I’d try reassuring her first that nobody will get priority if it doesn’t work tell her to grow up & you don’t want that type of negativity around your baby

Next time she makes a comment just say 'you realise that by being like this you are pushing me closer to MIL and further away from you, think about that and call me again when you can understand that' then hang up, don't wait for the guilt trip.

I take it that you've been pushing back on this nonsense. How does she react when the ridiculousness of her behaviour is pointed out?

I had this with my MIL, who was insanely jealous of my mum - with no cause. She would phone up and quiz me about how much my mum had seen dd that week.... she would turn up uninvited on days she knew my mum would be there and try to shut her out. It was dreadful.

I tried so hard to reassure her; I was scrupulously fair about how much each saw dd, but MIL just was never satisfied.

Instead of appeasing and placating her, I wish I'd just lied. "No, mum hasn't been round this week"; "no mum's never taken her out on her own" etc. It would have been much easier and I'd have been far less stressed.

Stop pandering to her. As soon as she says anything remotely off stop the conversation or put the phone down.

Also try to stop talking about anything that doesn’t directly concern her.

You should also tighten up your Facebook setting. Don’t block your Mum from seeing posts or comments about your in laws.

OP, you have my sympathy. My own DM was a lot like that.

Threads like this, plus the Stately Homes threads, do knock on the head that MN is anti-MIL, because loads of mothers are an absolute nightmare for their daughters.

My DM's nose was put out of joint because I chose to allow my PILs to meet my first-born first. No matter that DM's first grandchild was born just six weeks before (my sister's baby); no matter that my PILs were considerably older and DH's brother had been married for about 15 years with no children; no matter that FIL was in poor health and never thought he'd live to see a grandchild. DM's self-perceived superior status as The Mother overrode, in her mind, all consideration of anybody else's feelings, including mine.

However, it did take me a few more years to fully realise and go no-contact. By then, my children were primary school age. They didn't notice that we'd stopped visiting (we visited them, not the other way round) and barely mentioned them thereafter.

Children don't need grandparents. They need people who can put the child's needs first. If your DM can't do that for you, she certainly won't do that for your baby.

Urgh how exhausting. You will never please her and it is so not about MIL. I bet there are other incidents of crazy when you think back.

My mum comes out with some of this crap. She is deeply insecure and boy does it show. I approach her like a self-centred teenager. She wants a big drama so she can complain about how unfair or mean I am. She wants pandering to so she feels better about her pathetic self.

Mainly I go grey rock and ignore obvious attempts to provoke a fight or get comments about her awesomeness. When she genuinely does something nice I say thank you but there's often an ulterior motive, and sometimes I just can't be arsed to negotiate with terrorists. 'this is not a discussion, the decision has been made'

I never complain about anything MIL does to my mum ever, it's my passive aggressive way of denying her fuel for her fire. Plus MIL is genuinely very nice!