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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed that DH arranged to meet a friend for a walk?

105 replies

Overseasmom100 · 06/05/2020 08:36

Said he was walking to the shops yesterday whilst I worked from home. Thought ok that's good freshair exercise etc. That evening I find out he'd arranged or his friend arranged it...to meet along the way to walk together. I confronted him and he's all arsey saying what's the difference to mixing with people in a supermarket. I said hang on...we've been told not to meet with people outside our families who knows what he would potentially bring back. Im not meeting with anyone not even family. We've even drilled it onto our DS 15 he cant meet friends.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
waterrat · 06/05/2020 10:19

the 'rules' right now say NOT to meet with other households - but - be relistic, we have done seven weeks of lockdown now - we are on our way out and the rules will be relaxed very soon. If you are outdoors talking there is no risk - especially if you keep 2m away.

People stop to chat in the street what is the difference.

How are people going to accommodate the relaxing of the rules?

Msmcc1212 · 06/05/2020 10:20

Ragwort you are out of order. Totally selfish behaviour. It’s not about whether you take the risk for yourself. It’s about limiting the number of deaths and doing our upmost to make sure the nhs can treat as many as possible. I have friends on the frontline and nhs staff are dying. Stop being so selfish.

Msmcc1212 · 06/05/2020 10:21

People shouldn’t be stopping to chat in the street. If everyone bent the rules then the lockdown would have no effect. I seriously can’t believe there is even debate about this!

HaveAtEm · 06/05/2020 10:21

I HAVE to feed my DF and take him shopping ...used to go twice a week but have dropped it to once a week.

Your poor father only eats ONCE A WEEK! I mean, twice a week was bad enough OP, but now that you’ve had to drop it to once...😱

Your excuse is thin...you say you have to go and see your extremely vulnerable father to ‘feed’ him (once a week 😢) and to take him shopping...but the truth is, you are actually putting him at very, very serious risk if you are doing this!! He should be shielding if he’s in this category...my mum, at 87, is in this category and we have been unable to go near her since 22nd March! Shopping has been left at the end of her path and we have rung her. That’s it 🤷‍♀️ It’s awful...she’s not been further than the end of her path to pick up her shopping...after we’ve got back inside the car 😢😢😢

And your dad needs to eat more than once a week FYI 😂🤦‍♀️😂

DollyDoneMore · 06/05/2020 10:31

No, your husband should not have met his friend. This stage of lockdown depends on us all following a consistent set of rules that as a whole lower the R number to a manageable level.

Is it likely that your husband infected his friend or vice versa on his walk? No, it’s incredibly unlikely in any random pairing of people socially distancing.

But the more people bend and break the rules, the more likely it is that, overall, the R rate will remain too high.

bigbluebus · 06/05/2020 10:36

And we are wondering why cases of Covid 19 and death rates in this country are spiralling to the highest in Europe! The lockdown in most other countries was a serious lockdown unlike in the UK where people take or leave the rules to suit themselves. I have lost count of the number of people I've seen clearly breaking the rules just from looking out of my living room window or on my fortnightly trip to Lidl. We'd all love to see our family and friends but there's a good reason we can't - and it will go on like that much longer due to the behaviour of people who interpret the rules to suit themselves. And I honestly don't think Boris will tell us on Sunday that we can visit people as long as we stay 2m apart.

WalkingInTheAir13 · 06/05/2020 10:37

I may be wrong here but I think when the Op says "take him shopping",
she means take shopping to him.
As in I take him cakes, I take him flowers.

ChaToilLeam · 06/05/2020 10:41

I could not get worked up about this. This has been allowed where I live for the past couple of weeks, as long as you are in open air and maintain appropriate distancing. It has not negatively influenced the infection rate.

ChilliCheese123 · 06/05/2020 10:41

She says she ‘feeds’ her father. So this seems to me like she goes in to help with meal time ?

Greendayz · 06/05/2020 10:50

How can you be feeding your father once a week OP? Either he can feed himself (so this visit is unnecessary) or he can't (in which case he clearly needs feeding more than once a week!) Or does he have paid carers covering other days of the week?

I don't think your DH was putting anyone at risk for meeting a friend outside tbh. If he'd gone to the friend's house that would be different.v

NoClarification · 06/05/2020 10:55

"People shouldn’t be stopping to chat in the street. If everyone bent the rules then the lockdown would have no effect."

If everyone 'bends the rules' in such a way that transmission risk is not increased, then there will be no measurable increase in infections at all. The rules are not some magical talisman, you know. They have an effect based on the science of virus transmission, not because Derbyshire police force don't like someone walking their dog 3 miles from anyone in the middle of a fell because it's officially 'against the rules'.

choli · 06/05/2020 10:55

Yes I think Im also annoyed that he thinks he's different he was all arsey about it so I know he knows it was wrong
No, he just knew you'd be a self righteous pain in the arse about it.

EasyLifer · 06/05/2020 10:57

I think a lot of people are meeting friends and family on the sly now, eg teenage DC going for walks are probably meeting up with friends accidentally on purpose. Family members who don't live together arranging to be in Tescos at the same time.

I don't know if you are lucky or unlucky that D H told you, a lot of people are probably blissfully unaware that members of their household are secretly mingling with others.

GoatyGoatyMingeMinge · 06/05/2020 11:04

We certainly have realistic friends who we're honest with, and pious friends, who we're not!

DollyDoneMore · 06/05/2020 11:15

If everyone 'bends the rules' in such a way that transmission risk is not increased, then there will be no measurable increase in infections at all.

Yes, I’m sure we can trust everyone to bend the rules only in the correct way.

picklemewalnuts · 06/05/2020 11:26

Quick grammar note...

OP is taking the shopping to her father, not taking him out shopping.

Take him shopping has two meanings.

Don't pile on OP, she has kept her household isolated and supported her vulnerable DF.

Jaxhog · 06/05/2020 11:26

I know many people take the ‘rules’ very seriously but I am prepared to take my own risks.

YOU may not feel at risk, but not taking the rules seriously will be increasing the transmission rate and killing other people. It makes me so angry that people don't understand this.

Original poster
Overseasmom100 · 06/05/2020 11:35

Gosh...what a back lash...

My DF is 88 has lung cancer, emphzema and arthritus is housebound and lives on his own. I take him a food shop Ive done with my shop once a week to stock up..this one day whilst Im thete 1 hour puttinh his shop away I make him some food the rest of the week he has to manage himself...it's hard for him. The guidelines say you can go out for essential work, exercise, food and for helping vunerable people.

Im going to come off now as most have given their opinion which Ive read

OP posts:
TooLittleTooLate80 · 06/05/2020 11:38

Yet another misquotation of guidelines.

Mcrbee · 06/05/2020 12:07

He's clearly having an affair

ThatLibraryMiss · 06/05/2020 12:13

People claiming that PEOPLE WILL DIE and LOCKDOWN WILL GO ON (but worse) FOR MONTHS IF WE TALK TO EACH OTHER, have a ♟️and my thanks for ticking off so many squares on my Dementor Bingo card.

KingJarvis · 06/05/2020 12:19

I can’t get worked up about this when I mix with loads of households a day through work

Msmcc1212 · 06/05/2020 12:40

Noclarification. Of course if one or two people bend the rules no harm done - except why the hell should they just because they don’t like it. None of us like it but we have to make sacrifices for the greater good. If everyone stopped and chatted where I live it would be impossible to keep 2m distance. The whole reason we are only allowed out for short periods is to have fewer people out at any given time to prevent more infection. The rules apply to us ALL

NoClarification · 06/05/2020 12:57

"Yes, I’m sure we can trust everyone to bend the rules only in the correct way."

We aren't talking hypotheticals here. We are talking about someone going against guidance (though actually possibly not, given the fact meeting one other person outside seems to be officially allowed) but in any case not in such a way as to increase transmission risk. So what is the worry? That someone sees him and thinks 'yippeee, now I can have a big party?' It doesn't work that way. It's a bit like when people on here think 6yos should be doing their homework or they'll fail their GCSEs because they don't have a good work ethic. Life is more complicated than that. In everyday life rules are sensibly flexible and civilisation doesn't break down - in fact I'd argue that civilisation doesn't break down precisely because rules are sensibly flexible. Black and white thinking is not our friend here. For instance I'm quite sure that I am creating less risk of transmission by meeting up with a friend for a walk once a week but not having set foot in a supermarket for a month, even though one is allowed and one is supposedly not.

NoClarification · 06/05/2020 13:02

"If everyone stopped and chatted where I live it would be impossible to keep 2m distance."

But we all have power of thought. If somewhere is busy then get the hell out of there! If you live in Hackney, then maybe walking with a friend at 2m distance is not going to be viable. But if I live somewhere deserted, we can crack on. This is how things are operating right now, and the system is working,by and large.