"I wouldn't take it from my own kids"

[ernsage]

Do I have a right to be annoyed here or am I overreacting?

My 3 year old is a bit of a threenager at the moment and has a bit of an attitude.

My DP (not his biological dad) snapped (more at me) and said I needed to get a hold of his attitude (he said 'no' in a poor attitude way but I felt like DP's snap was an overreaction.)

Anyway, we sat here a few minutes later and he snapped (in front of my 3 year old), "I wouldn't take it from my own kids."
(He has 2 older children and we have a newborn.)

Am I in my right to be annoyed because it really hit me hard? DS might be too young now but even in a few months time, I feel like that comment could really alienate him and make him feel like an outsider to the family to have it pointed out essentially that he's not his kid.

For reference, DS isn't involved with his biological dad.

Does he ever tell him off? Sounds like he leaves the discipline to you? How long have you been together?

Guessing with a newborn and toddler at home you’re both sleep deprived and most people get a little snappy and arsey without sleep. He obviously shouldn’t snap at a toddler but if this isn’t a regular occurrence I’d let it slide this one time provided he apologises.

Are you all getting under each other's feet?

3yo's can be chaotic - it's their nature. That said, snapping at the child or you regularly is not on. If this was a one-off then everyone's getting on everyone's tits - esp if you have a newborn. If it's a pattern of behaviour then of course you need to be concerned.

I don’t know about annoyed but I would certainly be seeing him in a different light!!

Sorry but he sounds grim - where are his ‘own’ kids ( and is the baby ‘yours’ ie. joint or ‘his’)?

You're not unreasonable to be annoyed. If you live together and have a baby together then he should see you as a family unit. So in dealing with ds' behaviour, it should be "How should we handle his behaviour? What should we do"

He needs to be a father to his step son. Equally, you need to allow him to parent ds including disciplining him if that makes sense.

Don't stew on it, tell him. Hope you can work it out without a big row!

He didn’t say anything that isn’t true. He has to discipline your child differently than he does his own children or your shared child. I don’t think you can have it both ways. If you want your partner to be your child’s father, you have to do that completely. Right now he is a step-dad and he can have a great step-dad relationship with your son while still deferring to you as the primary parent. If you want him to be dad, then he has to be an equal parent.

How long has he been in ds' life?
It's a pretty awful thing to say if you are living together as a family. Your poor ds will always be the odd one out if your dp carries on with that attitude in future.
I hope he has a good dad who is involved with him.

@Purpleartichoke I completely understand that, I just don't think it should be pointed out in words like that with DS sat between our feet!

I don’t see the big deal?? It’s not his child or even his step son as you say dp, you can’t have been with him very long either if your child is only 3 and you have a newborn. Is he suppose to pretend he is his dad? Hope he doesn’t call him daddy

I don't know, I don't think he said anything incorrect? I'm assuming your DS knows that he isn't his dad and you've not been together that long considering he is only 3.

If he's expected to see your son as his own son then he should also be allowed to discipline him as he sees fit (obviously within normal realms!).

I don't think he's necessarily an arse for saying what he said, possibly could have waited until you were on your own though I guess.

I think you’re being a bit over sensitive and your DP pointing out he’s not his father makes you feel angry on his behalf that he doesn’t have his father in his life.

I don’t think your partner meant it nastily, I think he was trying to say he wouldn’t allow his bio children to behave like that so he won’t allow your son to, so basically trying to say he’s treats them all the same.

He's judging your parenting OP and so you need to be strong by displaying total confidence in yourself and your parenting.
Your little one is three.
He's a toddler.
And three year olds are, as you rightly describe, 'threenagers'. they have an attitude because they're trying to make sense of their little world and sometimes, it gets confusing and upsetting for them.
They don't need your partners attitude, they need unconditional love, cuddles, hugs.
They have tantrums and odd ideas about stuff because that's what three year olds do!
Your partner sounds a bit of a knob not to understand. Maybe someone needs to tell him that.
He's out of order judging you and worse, seriously worse, judging your toddler.
Get assertive OP. Don't put up with being put down.

He's judging your parenting OP and so you need to be strong by displaying total confidence in yourself and your parenting

I thought OPs problem was that her DP pointed out that he wasn't the child's parent?

If OP doesn't want her DP to differentiate between his children and hers then yes she needs to accept him parenting her 3 year old as well. You can't have it both ways.

Maybe a PP had it right with it may be some guilt from him not having his own dad involved.

There's been a lot of issues and police involved with his biological dad so I'm very overprotective about his emotional well-being anyway.

I don't expect DP to be a dad to my DS. Yes, we haven't been together long in the grand scheme of things (but DS won't remember any different as he was so little.)
BUT in the grand scheme of things, he's in a household where DP is the 'dad' and he brings him to clubs and is a dad to his little sister so although he'll never be forced to call him dad or told that's his dad or whatever else that I don't agree with, in reality he would see him as some sort of father figure (especially as he is dad to our newborn and he treats them both equally).

His comment isn't what made me upset, generally speaking. It could've been said less harsher in my opinion, but of course it wasn't incorrect and wasn't out of line.
The problem I was speaking of was this comment was made directly in front of my 3 year old and I was angry that this could have a negative effect on him to have DP snapping about his 'own kids', it just felt like a point was made to place DS on the outside and I'm sure that's how a young child would feel hearing that.
Am I wrong?

No, he crossed a line there. If your DS has no involvement with his biological father, your DP is all the father he has or is ever likely to have. Hearing - and very soon understanding - snappy comments from his Daddy that he has his 'own' (real) children and DS is outside that special group has the potential to be hugely damaging to your DS's psyche and to their relationship.

A Frank and full discussion at a calm moment when DS is sound asleep in bed is called for, I think. Can your DP step up into full parenting mode - instead of critical vocal onlooker setting - and can you let him in as equal parenting partner?

If the answer to either question is no, you've got problems ahead.

If DP disapproves of DS's tone, he needs to deal directly and positively with the child, as in, "We don't say no in that voice to mummy or daddy - let's find your kind voice." Or, "Mummy's saying it's five minutes till teatime and asking you to pick up your toys, so shall we do it nicely or are you the one going in the toybox?" as he picks the child up and makes a game of it.

He needs to be willing to treat him just like his own and you need to let him, assuming he's a patient, loving father to his 'own' children. If he's not, what are you doing with him in your and your DS's lives?!

I really don't see the problem either.

Step-parenting is hard. He has older children (so at least two other kids, possibly more), is expected to parent a 3yo that's not his, and has a newborn too. And then add-on the stresses and strains of lockdown and I'm not surprised he snapped.

Of course it's not ideal but it's happened - let him have some time to cool off (maybe get him to take the baby for a bit) and speak to him tonight when DS is in bed.

Yeah I think you need to have a chat with DP and say it’s fine that you feel that way but you don’t ever want DS to feel that he is less loved than his sibling and comments like that infront of him aren’t acceptable.

Your DP's comment - placing the blame clearly on you - implies that he doesn't get involved in disciplining your DS. Is that correct? And if so, is that your choice or his?

I think if you want him to think of DS as 'his', he should also be taking on more of a step father role in general. It's two sides of the same coin.

If you'd like that too, and he has refused, then I can see why you're upset.

He sounds vile OP

YANBU. He's drawn a distinction between your DS who he is a father figure to and the children he has biologically fathered, critically including a baby sibling who DS is being raised with.

3 year olds can be tough at the best of times, which this moment isn't. Positive role-modeling around boundaries is the best way to manage it (having a phase of it with a frustrated 7yo at present), not snide comments about parenting position.

The key bit is does he see the issue with what he's said? If he realises it was an unwise moment of frustration, out of order and is apologetic, move on.
If he can't see the issue and is unrepentant, be aware of any more yellow flags. Children growing up with unequal roles in a blended family can be extremely damaging to self esteem.

I think you are right to be aware that identifying your son as not one your DP's "own kids" could be very damaging emotionally for him.
Especially as he doesn't have a relationship with his biological father.
I don't agree with allowing children to believe untruths about they're parentage. But equally he shouldn't feel odd one out in the only family home he has.
I would speak to your partner about being aware of his language around your son.
It sounds more like he was talking to you rather than your son so he probably didn't think how it could have been picked up by a three year old.

Yes he was out of line making the comment in the hearing of your DS. However - lockdown is probably affecting us all a lot more than we realise and it was likely something said, unthinking, in the heat of the moment.

Might be worth mentioning, when feelings have calmed down on all sides, that you were upset about the comment in front of DS. Might also be worth exploring a united front on the discipline angle as you admit that your DS can be attitude-y and it appears to be something you and your DP don't agree on.

The problem I was speaking of was this comment was made directly in front of my 3 year old and I was angry that this could have a negative effect on him to have DP snapping about his 'own kids', it just felt like a point was made to place DS on the outside and I'm sure that's how a young child would feel hearing that.
Am I wrong?

That's not remotely unreasonable to me. Comments like that should never be made in front of a young child.

It's often the tone as much as the words that is the issue.

I don't think your OH meant this in the way that you've taken it, he probably just didn't think about how it might come across.

If anything, he's making a point of saying he's treating all of the kids the same.

It probably would have been better for him not to say it in front of your son, but he obviously spoke out of annoyance and at 3 it's probably gone straight over his head anyway.

I don't think making snappy comments in front of DC is ever ok. People have different tempers and temperaments but it's still snarky.

DH and I have DS9 together and DS14 who isn't his. He's never to my knowledge made a single comment about "mine" because there's no mine and his - the DC are our responsibility and whilst he's not DS14's Dad, he's a role model and takes that job quite seriously.

Can you speak to your DP when things are quieter and explain how you feel?