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Original poster

"I wouldn't take it from my own kids"

58 replies

ernsage · 05/05/2020 16:09

Do I have a right to be annoyed here or am I overreacting?

My 3 year old is a bit of a threenager at the moment and has a bit of an attitude.

My DP (not his biological dad) snapped (more at me) and said I needed to get a hold of his attitude (he said 'no' in a poor attitude way but I felt like DP's snap was an overreaction.)

Anyway, we sat here a few minutes later and he snapped (in front of my 3 year old), "I wouldn't take it from my own kids."
(He has 2 older children and we have a newborn.)

Am I in my right to be annoyed because it really hit me hard? DS might be too young now but even in a few months time, I feel like that comment could really alienate him and make him feel like an outsider to the family to have it pointed out essentially that he's not his kid.

For reference, DS isn't involved with his biological dad.

OP posts:
TheTrollFairy · 05/05/2020 17:20

I think you are underestimating what a 3 year old would understand. My dd isn’t long 3 and she at that age would understand a comment like that (although wouldn’t understand the context it was meant in).
I don’t understand why he can’t parent DS like his own? Or is he the type of person to walk away from DS if you were to split up.

Delbelleber · 05/05/2020 17:25

It was a dig at your parenting. As if his own kids are so perfect. He was being an arse imo

Devlesko · 05/05/2020 17:33

YANBU, the fact he isn't his dad is immaterial. Both me and dh agreed that any discipline was discussed and came from both of us, or we both agreed to the same values.
If you disagree with a form of parenting you discuss it away from the child.
Your partner needs to see this is wrong, he needs to apologise to accept this was wrong.
He may not accept it off his kids in theory, but he's not the one raising his kids, cf.

Ariseandsmellthetea99 · 05/05/2020 17:36

He was being snappy and rude, and probably unfair (since 3 year olds are pretty universally hard work!). I wonder how often he was in the company of his older kids at 3 years old for weeks at a time with no break and they've just had a sibling?!

I also understand your upset about him saying the comment in front of your son.

However we all say really daft crap when stressed and grumpy with the kids. So I think you have a calm conversation about it. When many families have a newborn, the older kids go a bit off track. The difference here is that he is making it the just given birth mum's problem. Whereas amongst friends and for my family - toddler going off track was mostly dad's domain, while mum looked after the newborn.

gingganggooleywotsit · 05/05/2020 17:37

I agree op it's a harsh thing to say in front of a 3 year old who when just a bit older will be hurt and understand the comment. Talk to your dp about it, try to think of ways he can treat your son the same as his own kids.

RevolutionofourTime · 05/05/2020 17:43

You have a three year old with ex-DP, with lots of police involvement and ex doesn’t have contact with DC3.

You now have a baby with new DP.

New DP has 2 older children (ages not specified).

This doesn’t seem like an ideal set up. It looks like lots of people are having to adapt to life together in a short space of time.

By choosing this lifestyle, you are inviting chaos into your and your toddler’s life, when they clearly have had a very rough start.

However, this is the set up you now have. You need to work with it. Please start thinking about having a stable home environment. Please also think about the importance of resolving disputes and disagreements with your DP. Not every off the cuff remark means someone has “crossed the line”, is “vile” etc. You need to be able to talk to each other.

SmileyClare · 05/05/2020 17:47

Agree with Devlesko . I think your dp should take on the father figure role, particularly if ds father is absent.

I hope he doesn't call him dad Why not? His sister will call him dad.

I grew up with my step dad and started to call him dad after my siblings were born. I wasn't lied to, I knew he was my step dad (my bio dad died before I was born). I simply see my step father as my dad and I am his daughter.

If Op and partner are living together, the relationship is serious and committed. Admittedly it's not great when a mum has a boyfriend for 5 minutes and tells the child they have a new daddy. That isn't the case here.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2020 17:51

I don’t expect DP to be a dad to my DS.

When did you set the bar so low for the man you chose? You have A Child together now. Of course he’s going to be a father or stepfather to your ds as well as your newborn. You live together. These sorts of comments from him will destroy your ds. And you not expecting him to parent and treat both your children will create a rift between them. Don’t underestimate what your 3 yo understands. He’s already processing this man is not his father from observing how this man is with his kids and that he is not on his side.

WorraLiberty · 05/05/2020 17:58

Totally agree with RevolutionofourTime

Candyfloss99 · 05/05/2020 18:03

Does he discipline him or do you make all the decisions regarding the 3 year old? It sounds like he thinks you think he has no right to tell him off.

flirtygirl · 05/05/2020 18:05

If my child was small and had no other father figure then I would expect my husband/partner to be the dad and I would not get together with anyone who was not willing to enter this role. Especially when a child is tiny like you son must have been.

It is just too much hassle with future children like you are now finding.

My ex husband was abusive but he willingly stepped up to the role back in our good old days and says he has 2 children not just one.

When families are blended later on and have other father figures then that is not the case.

beeinmygarden · 05/05/2020 18:18

Three year olds don't have 'attitude'. They is imposing adult behaviour, understanding and standards where it makes no sense to impose it. .

PumpkinP · 05/05/2020 18:29

Why not? His sister will call him dad. because he isn’t? They are not even married, mums not even known him long Well the whole situation doesn’t sound great does it, child’s three, dad not involved and isn’t allowed to be and police involvement, mum has new baby with someone and now lives with the guy so they’ve been together moved in and got pregnant very quickly, can’t see this one sticking around and being a dad to the three year old if they break up, can you? He’s already making it clear he doesn’t want to be a dad to him.

MrSheenandMe · 05/05/2020 18:33

How old are his children? Do they live with you? Do you ever say to them that you are not their mother? How do you parent them if/when you see them? Do you expect him to be 100% dad to your son while ignoring his own DC?

MeridianB · 05/05/2020 18:46

Have you and DP had a conversation about him being your son’s real dad now?

I took it that he was questioning your discipline rather than making a statement about his feelings for your son, but you’re right, he shouldn’t say things like that in front of anyone.

Could you have a chat to confirm that he is the one and only father your son needs and ask him to share ideas about dealing with the pinch points?

Does he have any other children? If he’s not encountered a three year old before then it would be hard going. But also, hard for a toddler with a newborn and lots of change.

Flowers
MeridianB · 05/05/2020 18:47

Sorry - just seen he has older children but maybe three was a long time ago...

billy1966 · 05/05/2020 19:11

Poor little boy.

What a horrible thing to say in front of him.

Children like your son have it so hard in life.

A father not involved.

A mother with a new partner quickly.

New baby, quickly.

The new partner not expected to step up to parent this little boy.

What exactly is the point of being in a relationship with a new partner, having another child...... If you clearly don't and can't even have an expectation of this man, to care about you enough, to be invested in your existing child?

Exactly what sort of a family dynamic are you trying to create?

Poor little boy.

Your new partner doesn't sound like a nice man.

That's just the sort of remark, when repeated, and understood, will cause untold damage and alienation in a young defenceless child.

OP, please have a serious think about what's best for this little boy.

Calabasa · 05/05/2020 19:15

I cant see what he did wrong here.

You need to decide if you want him to treat your 3yo different from his other 3 children or not.

The fact is, he isn't his son, and he was just commenting he wouldn't accept that behaviour from his own children.

You need to sort out what you want.

EKGEMS · 05/05/2020 19:24

Three years of age is a challenge in the best of circumstances but now in lockdown with a brand new sister? That's a whole different ballgame! Sure you need to still maintain acceptable household standards of behavior but snapping in front of the kid like your partner did will cause emotional distress and turmoil! Nip it in the bud when children are asleep

Isadora2007 · 05/05/2020 19:27

You can’t have it both ways- he either gets expected to treat him like a loving and responsible father. Or not. But you want him to not be his dad but discipline him appropriately. You have chosen him to be a father to one of your children so why not both? You need to discuss this fully as him saying that in front of your son isn’t right but neither is you expecting the best of both worlds.

What2dohere · 05/05/2020 19:31

He's judging your parenting OP and so you need to be strong by displaying total confidence in yourself and your parenting.

Not if your child is behaving like a flat out brat you don't. In that case you need to be questioning your parenting. The behaviour that's accepted from children at three is the same behaviour they'll be trained to give you in the years that come after. It's crucial to discipline properly at this age otherwise you'll land yourself with a brat for life.

Totally aside from that, your DP's comment in front of your son would wound and upset me greatly, in fact it would have me questioning the relationship and I'd feel moved to tell him so. It shows no consideration for your sons emotional or psychological wellbeing and that, for me, would ring every bell in the book. I think you should tell him this, he needs to know it so he can't put the kibosh on that crap before it turns into a pattern, at which point you'd have no relationship left anyway.

Lynda07 · 05/05/2020 19:33

Blimey, the child is only three! I don't know what your man expects of a boy of that age, maybe when his older two were 3 he was out at work and didn't get home until it was nearly their bedtime.

He shouldn't have said that.

converseandjeans · 05/05/2020 19:41

Agree with billy harsh as it is.

IncrediblySadToo · 05/05/2020 20:00

I see your point -he shouldn't be pointing out that DS 'isn't his kid'.

However, you need to have a rethink of your dynamics. You have involved him in DS's life, and have DS living with him, really quickly - before DP felt paternal about him. You have also had a baby. That's hard on a 2/3 yo . Now he's got a man living there that's not treating him like his son, but is going to be treating his sister like his daughter.

It's a clusterfuck that needs sorting out or things like this will be constant and the atmosphere will be awful.

Your DS is acting up because he's 3, he has a cute baby getting all of 'his' attention, a man being cold to him and a very big change in routine with lock down.

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/05/2020 20:01

I think your three year old must have had a difficult first three years if your second baby has a different Dad.

I also think by the time your children are older you complete forget most of their difficult behaviour.

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