"I wouldn't take it from my own kids"

[ernsage]

Do I have a right to be annoyed here or am I overreacting?

My 3 year old is a bit of a threenager at the moment and has a bit of an attitude.

My DP (not his biological dad) snapped (more at me) and said I needed to get a hold of his attitude (he said 'no' in a poor attitude way but I felt like DP's snap was an overreaction.)

Anyway, we sat here a few minutes later and he snapped (in front of my 3 year old), "I wouldn't take it from my own kids."
(He has 2 older children and we have a newborn.)

Am I in my right to be annoyed because it really hit me hard? DS might be too young now but even in a few months time, I feel like that comment could really alienate him and make him feel like an outsider to the family to have it pointed out essentially that he's not his kid.

For reference, DS isn't involved with his biological dad.

Or I could have just said 'what Billy saud'

Three year olds can be hard work and given the circumstances at the minute. Having their usual days and routine taken away!

You say he and older kids? Assuming he doesn’t live with them so he doesn’t have to deal with them daily. Parenting is hard. He may have just said it at the heat of the moment.

Do you let your partner discipline your child? I’m saying this as I have two children. One with my ex and dd with my partner. We’ve been together 8 years. We live together, he treats kids the same. He is allowed to tell my oldest off! Do you let him tell him off? Does he help out?

My partner never had his dad around when he was little, his mum re married but she never allowed her husband to be a proper stepdad, everything had to be on her terms, husband wasn’t allowed to tell oh off. My other half said it caused massive problems and he never got on with his stepdad and his stepdad almost resented him which he believes is Partly because his mum made it difficult at times.

I wonder who did most of the daily parenting for his kids? Judgemental git.
3 year olds can be tricky. Firm but fair and pick your battles.

He was wrong. 3 year olds pick up on a lot more than we sometimes realise and it's probably a good idea for him to get used to phrasing things a bit more sensitively now. YANBU. Talk to your partner about it.

Some pretty harsh words against the DP here. We have been told of one comment, which I assume was fairly isolated, as it has resulted in the OP coming on here to discuss it. It doesn’t seem that these comments are routine. I think to brand him vile is rather OTT. Surely it’s more likely he’s made an error of judgement, in what is a very difficult, fraught and exhausting time.

Step-parenting is quite simply one of the most difficult things you can do. Before I’m told I’m wrong by deliriously happy step-parents, just remember every situation and individual is unique. Perhaps being a step-parent is easy for you. For others, it isn’t. That doesn’t mean those people are despicable.

This situation is hugely complicated by the fact OP and DP haven’t been together long. OP, are you unsure about whether this relationship is going to be permanent? If you doubt it will last, then I can understand you wouldn’t expect your DP to be a father to DS. If you think you’ll be together forever, then you must decide what you hope and expect of him regarding his relationship with DS, and then make it perfectly clear to him, and make sure he’s on board. A great deal of talking and communication with DP is key to resolving this one. Good luck.

Thanks everyone for the replies.

Just to clarify a few things, this is an isolated incident. My DP is amazing with my DS and has always been, that's why the comment put me out even more as I felt it was unexpected.

To the people asking if I allow him to discipline my child, it probably is partially my fault (and has slightly come out in the conversation we have had since this) because I say he can but I am very protective if he does and I don't like it, so that's something massive I need to work on, and is probably just a natural reaction to be more protective of his emotional well-being because of the circumstances with his biological dad.

Also to the people implying that his life is unstable, I've always made sure he's had the utmost stability and he's the happiest little boy! Nothing has been too rushed or sudden for him that he's had a negative impact.

I was just particularly looking for advice on that comment because I had no idea if I was over-reacting or being too sensitive about it!

There's a lot to think about and some fine-tuning to do, but of you and DP are a strong team and have the same goals you can do this.

On your side, I think you need to look at the role of your DP as you say you don't expect him to be a father to your DS. If he isn't, who will be? What will your DP be to him? Would you want him to be discriminating between your two DC in years to come, like spending more on DD at Christmas or making her packed lunch for school but not his? That won't work, will it?

I think the only way forward is to expect DP to be a father to your DS, to discuss together how you parent him and then to trust him to get on with it. It will need continuing adjustments and agreements as you go but they can never happen in front of the child.

Good luck. It's not going to be easy but it will be immensely rewarding for everyone if you can make it work.

I think you're right to identify the problem as you being too over-protective with your DS however understandable.

BUT - your DP lives with you, is co-parent of your baby, so the question has to be - do you trust his judgment as a parent? If so, then you really have to let him get on with being a parent to your DS and stop trying to be over-protective of him, which will be counter productive in the long run and will automatically set him apart from the rest of your little family bubble,