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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to admit I can't keep this going for another 10/11 weeks

66 replies

OnTheMoors · 04/05/2020 17:54

Home schooling. It's just an ongoing battle with ds(13). I have tried a daily routine chart and also tried a more flexible day. He has everything set up and a quiet environment but to be honest he just is not interested and has a poor attitude. Does bare minimum and shows no interest in the topics. I've tried to sit with him and go through the work but he doesn't want me to sit with him. I go to the living room, so I a available to support him if needed and he ends up getting up and down out of his seat and generally faffing about.
DH is wfh, setting a good example as he is working 7.30-4 and also on live team meetings a couple of times a week. Ds can see the team work.
We've had the talk about trying our best so we can get a job we enjoy and to get enough money to pay bills etc. He goes to bed at a decent time (9.30/10) and gets up about 8/.30.
I feel like I'm being supportive but he honestly just wants to be lazy. If I raise my voice he switches off completely and argues (ADHD).
Aibu to be allowed to feel that he simply is not interested?

OP posts:
cardibach · 04/05/2020 17:58

It’s difficult. I’m a teacher, and many pupils are not engaging with online learning at all - I have had nothing from the majority of my Y9 despite then getting a schedule of work to do, a video lesson and all the resources each week...
Just so you know you aren’t alone. You can only encourage him. When we finally eat back there will be a plan to rectify things, though obviously we can’t ‘catch up’ all the curriculum we would normally have covered.

Ponoka7 · 04/05/2020 17:59

Is he used to working in silence? My DD who has ADHD needs noise and a bit of chaos, even now in her 30's.

Does he usually stay seated in class? Is he still getting on with wotk even though he's faffing?

Original poster
OnTheMoors · 04/05/2020 18:02

He has sneaked his phone in the kitchen today. So I have calmly said there will be no reward as he's not working at staring at you tube. Like real life, no work no pay

OP posts:
Michelleoftheresistance · 04/05/2020 18:12

It is difficult. Flowers

What are the tasks like? What works for ADHD in the structure of a classroom with lots going on and lots of input doesn't easily translate into sit down/read/think/turn out work alone at home. Is it goal directed stuff or open ended? Can it be made more goal directed with a set number of short, fast things to achieve? Breaking a task down into small steps with a break/change of task on completion of a step might help. Mixing up tasks to do one step of one then one step of another might help him stay interested more than trying to focus on one task at a time. Does music or more noise around him help as pp says? Movement breaks and small step game-based or chore based tasks mixed up with the work tasks to keep him on the move and use different bits of his brain? A list set of things that HAVE to be achieved by a set time each day including a couple of easy things and fun things like make bed/ achieve a level on x game?

rookiemere · 04/05/2020 18:13

DS is 14. As we are both working we don't have much time to supervise his work and I reckon he does about 2-3 hrs per day and is getting up later each day - try to get him up for 10. Thing is I have a lot of sympathy as I usually really enjoy my job, but am struggling to be enthusiastic at home and am often doing the bare minimum.

Personally I think it sounds like you've got very high expectations and lots of stick but no carrot. I'd encourage him to do work in blocks but not a full 9-3. He's at home missing his friends, life's hard enough. Also it's good he's not in a critical learning year.

Puffinhead · 04/05/2020 18:13

There was a recent thread that was pretty similar to this. Upshot is you can’t make him do it. You’ve done everything you can to support him but if he chooses not do it then that’s his choice. Frustrating though it is. It is very hard to motivate unmotivated children - I have one too.

Original poster
OnTheMoors · 04/05/2020 18:16

I have to keep trying to show him what is right and that I won't give up on his chances

OP posts:
Original poster
OnTheMoors · 04/05/2020 18:19

cardibach are a lot of pupils are not engaging with work in most school?

OP posts:
Wilmalovescake · 04/05/2020 18:22

Well what does he care about?

I’d expect a decent morning’s work or there’s no access to phones or WiFi.

Original poster
OnTheMoors · 04/05/2020 18:27

We've tried that. Big meltdown and DH could not get any work done . So had to work at night to make up lost time. Not doing that again!

OP posts:
vanillandhoney · 04/05/2020 18:28

I think most children are finding it very difficult.

Everything has been taken away from them - their routine, their friends, their hobbies, their lives - and they don't have the emotional maturity to deal with it. Even grown adults are struggling with this - it's a LOT for a teenager to deal with on top of all the normal hormonal struggles going on at that age.

I don't think working a full day is going to happen - it's not realistic. At school, they don't work for six solid hours. They have lunch and break, move around between lessons and have their friends to chat to. I would expect maybe 2-3 hours of work a day, plus some kind of physical activity (Joe Wickes for example).

Otherwise I would mostly leave him to his own devices, whether that's sleeping, playing video games, reading a book or messing about on Facebook.

Wilmalovescake · 04/05/2020 18:33

How do your normally discipline him then?

gavisconismyfriend · 04/05/2020 18:37

What’s he interested in? Does he have a career in mind? If so, work backwards from there - identify the knowledge and skills he’ll need for the job and help him to work out how to start studying for them and developing them. It isn’t school work but it will be learning and might be more meaningful and motivating for him.

BlackHillsofDakota · 04/05/2020 18:45

We have compromised and she has picked subjects she will do, maths, English, history, art and then there is a couple she isn't doing at all, Spanish, geography. That way it's not so overwhelming and she knows she has to try her best in the agreed subjects and I won't nag her about the others.

Orangeblossom78 · 04/05/2020 18:49

Mine is 15 and they would chase it up by email and phone if he didn't submit the work...do the school not do that? Might be helpful.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/05/2020 18:49

My ADD daughter got most of her work done with music blaring or sat in front of the telly, with frequent breaks to talk to mates or mess about on her phone.

She got very decent A levels and a 2.1 at uni.

He needs to find a way that works for him.

catatemymind · 04/05/2020 18:56

Please don't stress too much. I am a teacher (and I also have ADHD!) Lot's of kids are struggling to engage, you are not alone. In this period of time, not a lot of 'proper' learning will be done and that is okay! There will have to be a massive catching up period in schools as the levels between children will have widened massively, so this won't affect him long term at all. No one from this side is under any illusion that this is proper learning or that parents are teachers!

You are allowed to feel however you want, you are doing your best. Also, as someone with ADHD, I have found it extremely hard to work from home and to get my brain to focus, some days it seems impossible but the only reason I can do it is because I have a duty, I am an adult who is responsible for 30 kids who I care about, and I am getting paid, so it makes sense that a 13 year olds brain can't get their hook into learning from home.

ScrimpshawTheSecond · 04/05/2020 19:04

I've had to consciously decide not to stress about schoolwork. We're being given enormous amounts - a full school' day's work, I'm trying to school two kids of different ages & stages, plus work from home. It's not really possible. Something's got to give.

From now on, I'm doing a bit of schoolwork (the stuff that will actually ehlp them learn and be enjoyable) and stuff the rest of it. We're getting hassled about scores and targets, and I know that's not for the good of the child. Nor is it my job to make sure the school keeps up its averages.

MashedSpud · 04/05/2020 19:17

Allow some quiet music in the background but tell him he must earn fun things like his phone/iPad/console.

If you have a garden let him do some work outside.

missingeu · 04/05/2020 19:21

I decided for all our families mental health to encourge school work but not get stressed over it or cause stress by the arguments it creates.

So, I'm taking the word of my 14 yr old DS that's he's doing the school work required. If he hasn't than hopefully it will teach him a lesson. As the saying goes you can take a camel to water but you can't make it drink it.

As going out to work full time, I don't have the time, emotional labour to anything more.

BaconAndAvocado · 04/05/2020 19:24

I have 2 DC in Years 7 and 8.

Neither have completed 100% of her home schooling. In my estimation, they have completed roughly 70-80%.

I'm fine with this. When I've put pressure on to do more its resulted in stress and tension. No one needs that now.

Once they are back at school they will be resuming doing 100%.

Try not to worry OP. These are exceptional circumstances and adults and DCs have a lot to cope with. Take the pressure off yourself and your family.

Biscuit0110 · 04/05/2020 19:29

Schools, it has been reported in numerous papers over the weekend, are opening next month gradually, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
The announcement will be on Sunday, and hopefully it will motivate your children to do something before they go back.

Some children are really struggling with their MH, with motivation, with even getting out of bed for some children. It will pass, please don't stress op. Have a day off and do something fun tomorrow, and come back and see if he will make a start.

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 04/05/2020 19:29

How does he normally work in school? As a PP said,does he have headphones/music/breaks to walk about?
There's no point being overly confrontational about it. These are very strange and stressful times. tbh I think it's more important DCs feel safe and secure than fractured and stressed.

ImAGummyBear · 04/05/2020 19:36

Mine is 14 and I have more or less left him to do his own timetable. I ask him regularly what homework has been set, how many he still has etc but I don't micromanage. Like you, I found out early that he didn't like me sitting down and looking at his work. I know he tries to do all by the due date but many have gone over and I think the teachers are cutting them a lot of slack. His timetable is not what I would have wanted but as its working..... He wakes up late, works then takes a rest and will continue working and playing up to late night. I think because his dad using the only desk upstairs and works all day he prefers to work after his dad has finished (and his younger siblings are asleep too I think)
At the moment its working so I do not interfere.
Maybe talk to him and see what would help him work better. These are unprecedented times and sometimes you have to allow things you would never allow in normal circumstances.

cardibach · 04/05/2020 19:36

@OnTheMoors I’m not sure what the statistics are, but from friends in other schools I don’t think it’s unusual, no.

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